My Medicine

Time flows everyday and just like that it passes by so fast before i knew it. It is all coming to an end. An end to my work, ended with SBF and now i only have my studies to accompany me through my seemingly long weeks ahead.

The reasons for all these?! Nothing in particular. It is just the way things are and how it is supposed to end. I am already prepared for it long time ago. To me, having more free time on hand, may not be a good thing afterall because by having more time, i would tend to think about you a little more than i should.

And so, i want to keep myself occupied. The best medicine for this is not to wait and sulk on my own or to go party or clubbing to numb it. I will go back to my comfortable, familiar and safe zone; bowling is my cure. Now that i realised that i have always fall back on my bowling whenever things do not end up well for me. I like that me on the lanes. That aggressive, strong-willed, determined and clear-headed me, that is always on the lane. Sad to say, i have not successfully applied that practice in handling relationship. i wished i had.

I never knew that i was this weak in this area as compared to when i was younger then. Say, age really does make a difference in things don't they? as we get older, the things we view seems to be different and the things that we value is clearer. But i think i'm handling it just fine. like what a friend of mine said "it is difficult to keep a distant and to stay away when you see each other so often" I hate to admit it but I'm doing my best here too :)

I believe i can find my own ways and assurance that i will reduce the number of times you appear in my head everyday and also, to place more concentration on my studies so as not to disappoint my father any further than i already have. I hate it everytime i sneezed because it would just come across my mind that someone might be thinking of me. Recently, i have been sneezing more than usual and i tell myself that it is a sign that i'm falling ill. Anyway i will get myself back on track like the way i used to be, and hopefully, i can, at the very least, salvage this friendship.

I don't have the confidence to say that once our tests/exams ends, things would be the same as the way they are now. I don't even know if i could keep my word to not drift away. Sometimes, i thought that i should not give in to you and i should, treat you like how i treat my other friends. Only then that i realised in order for me to do that, i will need time to know you better through the things you do. That actions has to come sincerely and genuinely from that person himself for me to be able to understand a person better.

In whatever way, i have no intention in going back on my promise and also i know myself very well that once i am able to accept this person as my good friend, i know that i will never consider him as a potential partner at all. Just like my closer male friends i have, because i know them too well, i won't date them and they, will never have this idea across their head as well. This is a friendship, a bond, created that will last as long as it can take.

I wish i could stick to this resolution that I made.

For now, studies will always replace you whenever i think of you. I will refrain from making the first move to sms (unless otherwise necessary) or any other actions that may / could have lead you on. But still, i am curious as to how in the world things could have developed to this stage. I wonders. and is still wondering.

Mood: Sad~

The bomb has finally dropped on me. Karen Kuang called today and told me that at the moment they already have enough staff to work on weekends and hence, they wouldnt need me to work on weekends anymore. *sniff* *sniff* this time round, I am really leaving for good.

I am sad because I have been with this music school for maybe 2 years or so and have gotten used to all the cute little students here and my fantastic teachers who never fails to bring laughter to my life. But as the saying goes, there are no banquet in this world that doesnt have to say good-byes. and i am doing mine now.

Initially I am still pondering over whether should i work on saturday or sunday, now it is all cleared. I dont have to work on either days. I feel so empty all of the sudden. Maybe it is time i try to find something to do. sign up for some courses, maybe. Suddenly, I am so free. No bowling, no work. only studies. sigh. i need to start working soon again. i cant stand idling around not doing anything.

ARGH!!! This is so boring now! i want my busy life back..*sobz*

i contradict myself. i want to work and i don't want to work. haiz. haiz. haiz. this week is my last week of work. *sobz*

what am i supposed to do now? i have so much time on hand. what can i do? what should i do? oh come on! give me something to do besides studying. maybe it is time i take on a more active role in bowling. oh, maybe i shld sign up for music classes. but if i'm not working, i'm broke. and i really dun want to take money from my dad.

so i need to find another job soon. work work work. damn!

For You

Steffi, i know that u were searching high and low for me online last night but i am really tied down to something important and hence was not able to respond to your sos immediately. Just so you know, i dont own a bbb or iphone that allows me to connect to the internet even if i'm out. I am not too sure if it is abit late for me to say this but since i'm so far away from you, i can only support you mentally and that is all that i can do now at the moment. at least for you.

I saw your messages on facebook and i already replied to almost every single one of them. just in case if anything happens again and i happened to be not online, i know u would always refer to my blog and that's why here i am blogging to help you. at least i hope i did.

Seriously, based on what you told me from day 1 till now about you and Ostrich (*** sorry i had to call him that but he really fits into that description flawlessly***) I don't know if he is even serious about being together with you. I can understand that he needs some time but this is dragging on a little bit too long. trust me, the longer this drags, the one ended up getting all injured with wounds would be yourself. You should know this better than I do. Physical wounds may recover but emotional wounds would take longer. Considering yourself in the current situation you are in, trust me, it will hurt even more because you are stuck with him 24/7 in Australia for at least another 6 more months or so.

Look back, Steffi. what happened to you when you're in singapore. when you're in NUS. You wouldnt want the same thing to happen again, don't you. Priortized your things. Set out your mind and heart to do things right. Don't fall at the same spot again. You've already fell once, the price you paid was great enough. Don't make the same mistake again. You just have to keep reminding yourself about this. Why did you go to Australia to study? What did you promise your father? What have you promised yourself to do when you have decided to go to Australia to study? This is the kind of thoughts you should start with first. Affirm yourself that you are there for some serious business and not for play. Find it. Find it back the determination that you have before setting out on this. I believe you can :)

You know, many things happened and that cannot be avoided. What is done, cannot be undone. So no use crying over split milk. What you must do now is to know what you want to do. No use waiting for Ostrich if he cannot give you any confirmation, clarification or an answer to his actions. Waitng will only kill u even more. Time waits for no man. Remember that. Look, Ostriach has NEVER given you any clear answers or plans as to what he has in mind. I know what you are going to say at this time "He told me this and that and this and that" bla bla bla~ Yes, it is true that he TOLD you, but he never DID it. It is just empty promises. Promises and words that he need to tell you so that he could keep you by his side. and if things don't work out well between you and him, his can always falls back on maddie. You know this better than anyone else. So why are you still hanging on to him?

Probably you should ask yourself, why did you even fall for him? his looks? his brains? the way he talks? the way he humours you? or? find out, what exactly make you fall for him. and once you know that, used that as a weapon to make yourself to STOP falling even more for him. Tell him to stop doing it if this is what it takes to make you not waver your determination. Do whatever you need to do to guard yourself. Drifting is definitely not a wise option, because you are going to see him at least for another year and avoiding him would be tiring. But then again, there are always many solutions to one problem. it is just looking at things from different point of view.

I wouldnt ask you to jump straight into the conclusion that he is playing you. if you cannot do it face to face, then ask him over the phone. no point doing it over sms or msn, because u need to hear what he says and read him off from there. like his tone, his actions, the way he talks. msn and sms-es hides every ounce of these feelings. Stay calm. Cool you head. Slow down your heartbeat. Imagine that you are going for a perfect game and this is your last shot :) I know you're going to say that this is random but bowling is a game, in this, love is a game too. in fact it is gamble.

Just so you know, guys would always give you answers like "i really don't know" "maybe" "probably" "i am not sure"and bla bla bla bla...so to avoid this aimless talk and not to waste anymore of your precious time. tell him to answer you either a YES or a NO to the questions u asked. and forbid himto say all the above mention. trust me, when they give this kinda half-assed ans, it just makes you even more irritated and annoyed than you already have. And in order to do that, first you must know what you want to achieve out from the talk. What is it that you want to find out from Ostrich. For example, whether if he loves you? whether if he has the intention to get back with maddie? whether is he going to stick thru think and thin with you? what are his intentions and plans? and from there, once you know your objectives, work out your questions for him. That's how things should go for guys like Ostrich who cannot give you a definite answer. and if he really pissed you off, you can always chop it off. his little brother.

Steffi, so you should stop assuming things based on what you have read on other pple's blog or facebook. Although it may be true about your assumptions. but it would be best if you get the direct answer and hear it straight out from him.

AND AND AND, you know he is a sweet talker and that sweet talk you out of it. so you must first know his tactics and then you must know how to break it. it is easier said than done. but this really really only based on your will power. only on your will power. how strong u can be in your mental. it is a fight u must take. but also, you must warn yourself of the consequences. brace it. accept it. and learn to live with it. you will do fine :)

If you need to cry, don't every do it infront of him because at the very least you need to protect your pride and dignity. but my advice would be DON'T CRY! but knowing you, you probably would cry for one night and then recover the nexy day and then when u see him again and he sweet talk you again, you will cry again for another night. It takes courage to cry, i know. but it also takes a certain amount of determination not to and that is the first step to being strong.

So, anything goes wrong and really needed to talk. you can always call me. although phone bills is going to accelerate but once in a while, i'm alright with it.

Stay strong, steffi!

The Story Goes On...

*sigh*

what a way to start a post for the day. but. that was what i did before i start typing.

where should i start? no idea. thinking back, this is the first time i have caught myself in such a complicated situation and i know it is affecting me even in the slightest possible way. exams are really coming and i dont want it to be the reason why i will not be able to de well. i know myself too well, so that's why drastic measures are needed. to save myself from drowning.

i like to procrastinate and with this thing going on, it accelerate my procrastination process which is bad for my concentration since to start with, i have very short attention spent on studies. so i need to stop this earlier to give myself some time to recover and get back on track. i just need time. that's all. but. i'm always running out of time. wonder why.

i hope that i made the right decisions today. i wont further elaborate and so dun bother asking me because i am so lazy to talk about it. i hestitated a bit. and was searching for my source of encouragement. i have thought of various ways and approaches but at the end of the day i can only come with one conclusion. i bet i killed a lot of brain cells. anyway. it's worth it.

of course my only source of encouragement is to assure myself that this is for the best and to affirm my decision.guess what, it is through facebook. like i've said, it is device that does wonders. photos is always the best evidence available because seeing is believing. i make sure to lock those images in my head so that i wont get sweep away.

*sigh*

i felt bad. but. there's really nothing much i can do about it. so much of gossiping about others, i dont want to see myself in their position. that's depressing. letting go is always the best option. although it is easier said than done. but i'm already used to it. i have trained myself well to deal with this professionally.

i just wish i could lose some parts of my memory sometimes. so people, being forgetful sometimes, can be a good thing. but. people like me, who is very kinestatic and has very good photographic memory. forgetting it is hard.

*sigh*

if u cant win them, you join them. so if i cant forget them, i just have to accept them. this is to make life easy.

*sigh*

i'm tired. going to bed. i don't even know what i'm blogging tonight. readers, do u understand what i'm typing? if u do, awesome. if you dont, its normal.

What's now

dear fifi msn me at like 2am and told me that he bf lied to her with photos from his ex on his ex's facebook wall. so you see, facebook is a device that acts as a weapon and sometimes a shield. however that latter one is not very often. see what internet can do? it does wonders.

she is like an erupted volcano that i think can at least kill more than 1,000km radius, of people around her. but you cant blame her that she flares up like that. basically her bf lied and he told a very big lie that even if he jumps into the yellow river, it cant prove his innocence. seriously, i cant really tell if fifi or her bf is at fault.

to think abt it again, if her bf can cheat on his ex to be together with her, it shows that he would prob do the same to her right? and i know fifi must have prepared herself for this and that's why she never gave 100% of her heart to him. at the end of the day, there is no one except yourself to protect your own heart. and there's just so little that she can do because that faggot is already on his way to australia. what a smart move. but he better be prepared to face the typhoon later.

when this happens to her, it rings a bell in me that i have to reflect on myself too. just so you know, i'm caught in a very difficult position and a little more complicated than fifi's. at least hers is clear cut. which makes things so much easier to handle. that's what i think at the very least. but again, when it comes to the heart, things can never be any where simpler.

maybe i shld start to look into this whole damn thing again and really carefully consider every aspects on possibilities and probabilities. economics and stats may not be my strongest module but i can get thru it pretty alright. so prob it is time for me to apply the correct equation to the problems to find the best fit answer.

if u ask will everything be fine? of course it does since time has always been the best medicine around since ages ago but at the same time, it is the most bitter medicine too. so i should start to buckle up and brace myself. having saying all that, i know that fifi prob knew that something like this is going to happen sooner or later. just like how i know what the outcome is going to be. it's a matter of sooner or later.

according to the "art of war", to fight a battle, you must end it fast and swift to prevent more casualties because as the fight drags longer, the more people will get hurt.

so u see, it is all prob the right time now. i guess. it is just choosing the best tactics for this.

steffi, u know what u must do right. at least do those things that u know u have to know and must find out. from there, your picture will be clearer and your view will be better and u will be able to make a better decision.

life's like this :)

the white clouds just passes by~
over the clear blue sky~

what was left behind
is the dark grey clouds
that is going to fill the sky

between risk and opportunity
like a fine line, a fine thread
that comes a consequence
like a thunderstorm~

a shelter for sun and rain
build with confidence and faith
to prepare for any disasters
as tough as the hardest rock

this is it.
soon.
after the storm, comes a calm.
a rainbow for joy.

for a smile.

Hokkaido, Japan

Finally after 4 days i have managed to connect to the internet. Actually this current hotel that i am staying in, Sapporo Grand Hotel, has free internet access and i am already staying here since last night but because i have no idea how to connect the cable, so i did not access to the internet until today when i asked Ronnie (uncle Albert's son) to help me with the connection since he is a pro in this area. lol. he is damn awesome. i took like more than 45 minutes to connect but failed and he didnt even take more than 45 secs. omg.

Over in Hokkaido is always so damn cold. all the time it is always like minus 10 to 12 degrees or sometimes even lower. For the past 4 days, I have experienced probably like 7 times of snowing. Like REALLY SNOWING. Surprisingly, when it snows it is not as cold as when it doesnt. Trust me, the first thing you have in mind is that, you pray that the wind dont blow. if it does, your cheeks and nose would probably be frozen. My fingers and toes are, most of the times, numb and cold. At times like this, i wish i was in Singapore, but after seeing the beautiful scenery, I dont wanna go back anymore. LOL. but oh well, I'm coming back on the 16th. that's sad.

These time round, the experience i have is very much different from the one i had last year. Because it is nearing to valentine, there are more activites and more events to enjoy. there are like chocolates everywhere, which is damn freaking awesome, and also many cute ice scultures. omg, these sculptures are really damn amazing. you can view the photos on my fb. damn fantastic. the food here is superb. although their miso is not as delicious as the ones i had in the other part of hokkaido, but the ramen and everything else is even more awesome. omg. i think i have put on weight ever since i arrived here. i cant stop eating. chocolates, cakes, ramen, rice, miso, biscuits and tidbits. damn, i love the hot cocoa here from the vending machine.

Also, there are so many interesting and funny moments when my dad and uncle albert (the old man) having a conversation. just like when we were in Nepal, they are a comedy pair. They really made my day. lol. also, my dad slipped and fell in a slow motion when we went to the sulphur valley. it was so funny that i couldnt stop laughing for like 10 minutes. and uncle albert was in front of my dad and he was afriad that my dad would domino him. lol. was damn freaking funny since i was at the back and saw the entire view. also, there is this cute and adorable baby, kai xuan, which is very tempremental but really cute. she only knows how to say "nooo" and "scareeee" hahaha....super cute. i would have kidnap her and yi kai (the one who went with us to Nepal) anyway, she is only 18 months old.

We bought food, musical box (my mum bought it for me as a present), cups and chopsticks. the cups here are really amazingly nice. i couldnt help it and bought 3 cups. one for myself, my mum and dad. awesome bo! awesome right! but i bought 4 pairs of chopsticks, 2 of them are mine :) anyway it's my dad's money....hahahahah....

There are no handsome guys here but more old peh pehs. hotspring is wonderful and i even went to the open air public bath. so i was dipping myself in the hotsprings with snow moutains as my surrounding. cold air and hot water, best combination ever. it is really what we always say as "enjoying life" the open air bath is really a whole new world of experience.

Well, there's not much shopping but more of sight-seeing and that's more than enough. i really love it here although it is cold, but it is damn awesome.

I am leaving to Tokyo tomorrow and I will only reach Singapore on the 16th at 1230 MIDNIGHT! OMFG, that's late. actually it shouldnt be considered as 16th but 17th instead since it already pass 12 midnight but oh well it doesnt matter. i am looking forward to shabu on the 17th with my besties!!! STEFFI I AM COMING HOME SOON! wait for me!

anyway, got to pack my stuff le..super busy and tired.

TO ALL MY FRIENDS OUT THERE, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!!

love you guys :)

siewmei, i bet u miss me right..lol :)

Secret Happiness

Guess what, today my jumpstart student (12months to 23months old), gave me a chinese new year goodies bag!!!!!! he is soooooo sweet and adorable....too bad today is his last lesson :( so sad...when he is soooooo cute and lovable...omg...he brightens up my long and tiring day...i'm gonna miss him...anyway, that goodies bag only has mini oranges. but it is good enough :)

I will go back home and take a picture :)

When The Sky is Clear

Looking back, i have never regretted working in this small, comfortable and cozy music school. although i always complain about the work load at times, this is just part and parcel of my job scope so there isn't anything i can do about it either. Anyway, since i am going to convert back to part time, there is no need for me to carry that much responsibility anymore. It is time i hand it over to another committed, long term staff for Parkway.

Just like any other saturdays, i will observe the people who walks in and out of the school. some of very familiar faces, so rather new. and with this, i look at how the discipline their children and how the teachers tackle younger students. let me tell you, it is a very challenging task to deal with young children. i'm not very good at it myself, but they will always talk to me about things i can never understand. basically, the langauge they used is what we call the toddler's language. apparently, only their parents will understand them.

Out of all, there is always this particular student i always noticed and i thought that the parents must have brought them up well. She comes for lessons at 10am every saturday and without fail, her oldest brother would always bring her for lessons and when the lesson finishes, he would picks her up. He helps her carry her school bag, water bottle and then patiently waits for his sister to takes off her shoes before going into class. A very gentle boy and i always tease him as usual by telling him "you're such a good brother!" and he blushes while walking out. And today, he came and told me "i am not authorised to sign any documents for the school on behalf of my parents or sister" i laughed. told him that i wouldnt make him sign his life away for nothing and those documents that i had him signed, are just merely for paperwork, not anything important. He is so funny. but oh well, after this month i wouldn't see that student again because they are leaving and so am i :)

Leaving for Hokkaido this coming tuesday and only last night that i finally know what time flight i am taking. need to pack my things by monday. but oh well, maybe i will pack them on sunday instead. since i am taking the night flight, i will be a good student and attend my morning audit class on tuesday. at least i didn't miss out too much for audit and tuesday is the last lesson for this month before we go on our study break. i am so going to miss my studies. ***like real. -_-

This month is like another hectic month. Chinese New Year is here, Gerard's place is gonna be another gambling den and i hope not to see myself at his house gambling. I should be studying instead just so you know. and that THAM STEFFI is going back to AUSTRALIA on the 20th FEB! damn, i'm gonna miss her though. HEARD THAT BABE! but oh well, if Gerard and Daryl are to confirm going to Australia in June, i'll probably be able to tour around with them and maybe i will drop by Canberra to visit Steffi and so, STEFFI! be prepared that i may need to stay in your hostel and bring me around k?

Anyway, leaving all the fun aside, i need to buckle up and start studying. ggxx. after my trip, i'd better get all my thoughts and plans collected and start my engine even though it runs on diesel. omg. i cannot afford to flunk my final year and damn i need to find a job soon. if not i have do not have enough pocket money. sobz. g game. crazy month isn't it? tell me about it man.

i better sign off soon. working now :)