Let me recall, when was the last time i studied? oh it's last Friday at Chinese Swimming Club, study room, waiting to bowl with Clement and Gerard, to practice for Saturday TP Alumni Bowling Competition. Yes, and it stops there. Saturday.Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. and even Wednesday. I did not even touch my books once. Not once. What makes it worst is that I skipped my morning classes on Monday and Tuesday. Shoot me now. Someone. Just pull the trigger.
For the first time after so long, I'm starting to feel anxious about my studies and I will lock these feelings tight in my heart to remind me that I am playing to my heart's content now, and I will also slought for the remaining days I have till exams approach. I play hard, but will study harder to make up for all the time lost. These feelings, are signs of guilty. Guilty that I have been playing and slacking so much that now when thinking back, felt that I have wasted my life away just like that. Reality sits in pretty fast and I'm starting to feel that now. So much now. What have I been doing the past few days. Oh Gosh!
You know, I am going to set some very strict rules on myself after this week ends. Since I have not more than 6 weeks left to study for my exams and my time is running short:
1. I will ONLY use my computer on weekends.
2. To sleep before 12midnight if i have morning classes the next day.
3. Self discipline. baby. self discipline.
4. Concentrate and Focus.
5. Everytime I feel like doing something, think about how much time i've wasted.
6. Supper is fine :)
Alright, with these i'm going to abide to this starting Thursday. I will want to keep my word and study hard so that I will not disappoint my parents. And for some reason, I don't feel as trapped as I use to feel. The power of words, now that i finally understand how words, can move people and steer their directions. I realised that I cannot underestimate the power words can hold. I think it can even move a moutain. and some, it moves my heart and determination.
A series of event that happens recently, triggered me to wake up from my slumber and to see the real world. and never did i expected that i will find back myself through such an unexpected encounter. I always thought that bowling was my comfort zone that brings me back to who i am. I'm not wrong, it just that bowling is only an avenue for me to numb myself in a place i'm familiar with and to take my mind of from other distractions. My bowling friends are there to lengthen the time to get distracted from my distractions.
But now, in order to find myself back. my mindset about my own life. the path that i want to take. the things that i'm willing to sacrifice for. the consequences that i've prepared myself with and feeling to be alone and strong, I've found everything from animes. unexpected isn't it? i have thought so myself too. I was watching some animes and remembered my intial promises i have made to myself. my determination on certain issues and my resolution on so many things. slowly, like pieces of my memory that starts to fall in place, comes back to me. and now, i think i am capable to, once again, deal with this loneliness. i have been dealing with that for so long that when someone happens to step in, i have opened up too much and it became a habit that i must have someone with me. to listen to my woes, happiness and unrelated issues. or even to spend time with.
I think i am ready to set off on my own once again. since i have been through so many times of this and experience really is accumulating, I can handle this. It is just the matter of going back to where I have stopped and move on from there. My mistake this time round is, i guarded myself too much and always reject my own feelings. when i learn to accept it, the burden gets lighter each time. and slowly, just like this, feeling so tired to fight it you became immune to it.
Studies.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
You Know You Know
Just yesterday, i've experienced some funny moments with Sim May Lou and Siewmei. We were waiting for the lift in school after about 5hours of study and we're heading out for dinner. The lift didn't take too long and when it came, there was one middle-aged woman inside, i walked in first followed by Siewmei and guess what, the lady didn't see Maylou and closed the door right IN FRONT of her face. Everything just happened in not more than 10secs, i guess. Both Siewmei and I were too late to response to help her. lol. thank goodness Maylou's nose is still intact. You can't imagine how funny it was. Of all people, to close the door on Maylou, is something we've never thought it would happen.
and just today, Maylou has learnt her lesson and she has decided to be the first to walk in to the lift :) anyway, we weren't productive today. procrastinated and slept most of the time. in the end, we decided to end our day earlier than usual. we sat and talked over dinner about many things that we've always wanted to do but has never come true. and for each other, we have decided to skip classes the following and have some girl's outing :) awesome!
we decided that we would go roller blading, and then dinner at bedok 85 (see us whack all the food!) and then spent the night over at my place to mahjong! **we will be playing small coz me and Siewmei believe in beginners' luck** and we will also skip class the next day and go either swimming, movie, ice skate, sing k or shopping around the east area.
i am looking forward to that. since we have plan in advance, i hope nothing goes wrong for that day. like no rain, no mensus, no last min appointments or anything. hope that whoever is up there will be nice to us on that day. CAMERA will be in action too!
and just today, Maylou has learnt her lesson and she has decided to be the first to walk in to the lift :) anyway, we weren't productive today. procrastinated and slept most of the time. in the end, we decided to end our day earlier than usual. we sat and talked over dinner about many things that we've always wanted to do but has never come true. and for each other, we have decided to skip classes the following and have some girl's outing :) awesome!
we decided that we would go roller blading, and then dinner at bedok 85 (see us whack all the food!) and then spent the night over at my place to mahjong! **we will be playing small coz me and Siewmei believe in beginners' luck** and we will also skip class the next day and go either swimming, movie, ice skate, sing k or shopping around the east area.
i am looking forward to that. since we have plan in advance, i hope nothing goes wrong for that day. like no rain, no mensus, no last min appointments or anything. hope that whoever is up there will be nice to us on that day. CAMERA will be in action too!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
According to...
Someone told me something. and it felt like some one has just squeezed my heart so tight that it seems so hard to breathe. i choked on my own words as i tried to speak. and at this point of time that i know that my conscience is slowly killing me from the inside.
I'm trying. trying my best to piece things up to its original state. to bring everything back to where it supposed to be. don't misunderstand. i'm not acting to be strong or to be benevolent. perhaps it is in my nature to handle things this way. i'm not as harsh and tough as how i always speak, in fact i always use the soft approach to end things. that is all because, i know how soft my heart can be at crucial times. i'm tired of denying that and is learning to accept that fact.
All i need is to have someone, anyone, to assure me that my decisions are not wrong. and that i'm right. that is, this is the right thing to do. i need some confirmation that no matter what feeling i may have, i need to make the correct decisions for the benefit of everyone in the long run. i need affirmation that this is where things should be heading towards to. There is already no other alternatives.
i'm cornered.
I'm trying. trying my best to piece things up to its original state. to bring everything back to where it supposed to be. don't misunderstand. i'm not acting to be strong or to be benevolent. perhaps it is in my nature to handle things this way. i'm not as harsh and tough as how i always speak, in fact i always use the soft approach to end things. that is all because, i know how soft my heart can be at crucial times. i'm tired of denying that and is learning to accept that fact.
All i need is to have someone, anyone, to assure me that my decisions are not wrong. and that i'm right. that is, this is the right thing to do. i need some confirmation that no matter what feeling i may have, i need to make the correct decisions for the benefit of everyone in the long run. i need affirmation that this is where things should be heading towards to. There is already no other alternatives.
i'm cornered.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
N They Say
women can be silly sometimes, don't they? after going through all the hurt, in the end, we still choose to forgive and love again. our human heart can be so fragile, yet sometimes seems to strong. isn't this amazing? i bet.
i'm so tired of talking about my current thoughts, situations and my plans. so tired of it all. the answers that i always get, is always the same. and deep down, somewhere in my heart, i knew it all along that, that has to be the ending for it. and speaking about giving it more options, i wonder if there is really an alternative to it.
i hoped that someone can just tell me frankly, tell me that i'm stupid enough to get caught in all these and it is time for me to wake up my idea. i need my wake up call. where is it? well, i hope that things will work out eventually. but meanwhile, i'm still considering whether should i give it a fight?
my conclusion is still, i'm dumb. the only thing that i don't have that makes it perfect is to be a blond.
i'm so tired of talking about my current thoughts, situations and my plans. so tired of it all. the answers that i always get, is always the same. and deep down, somewhere in my heart, i knew it all along that, that has to be the ending for it. and speaking about giving it more options, i wonder if there is really an alternative to it.
i hoped that someone can just tell me frankly, tell me that i'm stupid enough to get caught in all these and it is time for me to wake up my idea. i need my wake up call. where is it? well, i hope that things will work out eventually. but meanwhile, i'm still considering whether should i give it a fight?
my conclusion is still, i'm dumb. the only thing that i don't have that makes it perfect is to be a blond.
This Amazing Thing
Who could have thought that I could manage to pass through my weekend just like that. in a blink of an eye. my saturday is gone. and what is this thing that made it all that easy for me? they are my friends and bowling. just like what i've expected, bowling really occupies a lot in me. and with all those amazing friends tonight, they have just made my weekend happier.
I thought that i would have to struggle through my weekends, that would seems longer than any other days, but surprisingly i made it through the night without thinking much about you. not as much as when i'm alone, doing nothing. i am glad. glad that i don't have to think about you. at least i know that i've made some progress on my own.
Something nice came up today, Thanapon, this thai friend of mine, came by to Singapore and went back in an instant. -.- as usual. he comes and goes just like an unexpected gust of wind. one moment i received an sms from him saying that he's in Singapore and the next sms he would be telling me that he's leaving in a few hours time. dear me have to remind him that he would need to text me earlier to at least allow me to do some planning to meet him or at least, send him off at the airport. today's timing was just bad. nothing he does coincides with mine. but he's understanding and knew that i'm really tied down with some important appointments and told me that he would notify me in advance. i would appreciate that, boy!
Anyway, i have just wasted the night like that, although i enjoyed it :), i need to get back to my books as soon as possible. guess what, i have decided to particiapte in some mini competition tomorrow even though i know that i am not ready for that yet. and i really need to study. please, whoever is up there, give me some extra brain cells and allow me to study my MA enough to just pass my test. at least. -.- omg. and i realised that procrastination is my best friend. and that's bad. zomg.
I thought that i would have to struggle through my weekends, that would seems longer than any other days, but surprisingly i made it through the night without thinking much about you. not as much as when i'm alone, doing nothing. i am glad. glad that i don't have to think about you. at least i know that i've made some progress on my own.
Something nice came up today, Thanapon, this thai friend of mine, came by to Singapore and went back in an instant. -.- as usual. he comes and goes just like an unexpected gust of wind. one moment i received an sms from him saying that he's in Singapore and the next sms he would be telling me that he's leaving in a few hours time. dear me have to remind him that he would need to text me earlier to at least allow me to do some planning to meet him or at least, send him off at the airport. today's timing was just bad. nothing he does coincides with mine. but he's understanding and knew that i'm really tied down with some important appointments and told me that he would notify me in advance. i would appreciate that, boy!
Anyway, i have just wasted the night like that, although i enjoyed it :), i need to get back to my books as soon as possible. guess what, i have decided to particiapte in some mini competition tomorrow even though i know that i am not ready for that yet. and i really need to study. please, whoever is up there, give me some extra brain cells and allow me to study my MA enough to just pass my test. at least. -.- omg. and i realised that procrastination is my best friend. and that's bad. zomg.
Friday, March 5, 2010
There's something about a girl :)
"There’s something about a girl when she’s in love.
When a girl is in love she devotes everything she has to him, and everything she does is because he’s worth it. She reaches out to grab your hand because yours are the only ones that fit perfectly with hers. She cries to you because she finds the warmest comfort in you. She forgives you no matter how many times you’ve hurt her. She cooks you your favorite food just to see you smile. She fights hard with you because she cares. She teaches you a lesson only to help you learn and grow. She kisses you unexpectedly because everything in her body wants to. She calls you when things are bad because you tend to ease the hurt. She drops plans with her girlfriends because she rather spend time with you. She falls asleep in your arms because it’s where she wants to be. She hurts when you are hurting. She sticks by your side even when times are wrong. She surprises you because nothing makes her happier than making you happy. She pays for your shit because she actually wants to. But a lot of the reason why she does all of that is because she’s afraid to lose you.
There’s something about a girl when she’s on her own.
When a girl is independent she devotes everything she has to herself, and everything she does is because she knows she’s worth it. She doesn’t need anybody to hold her hand, she could do it on her own. She cries to herself because she knows she’ll make it through the night. She forgets you once you’ve hurt her. She keeps food on the table for herself. She fights hard for herself because she cares. She learns and grows from her own mistakes. She doesn’t kiss just because. She doesn’t need anybody to help her ease the hurt. She drops plans with her girlfriends because she rather spend time alone. She doesn’t need somebody next to her just to get some sleep. She hurts. She knows to stick to herself when times are wrong. She doesn’t need surprises because she knows what makes her happy. She pays for her own shit because she actually wants to. But a lot of the reason why she does all of that is because she has lost you."
Quoted from my lover's blog :)
since she has private her blog and not everyone can see this. and here i thought that this post of hers is rather true and would like to share it with all the other girls out there. and for you boys, take note that this is what exactly is happening to girls in these situation. ***although not all girls are like this***
When a girl is in love she devotes everything she has to him, and everything she does is because he’s worth it. She reaches out to grab your hand because yours are the only ones that fit perfectly with hers. She cries to you because she finds the warmest comfort in you. She forgives you no matter how many times you’ve hurt her. She cooks you your favorite food just to see you smile. She fights hard with you because she cares. She teaches you a lesson only to help you learn and grow. She kisses you unexpectedly because everything in her body wants to. She calls you when things are bad because you tend to ease the hurt. She drops plans with her girlfriends because she rather spend time with you. She falls asleep in your arms because it’s where she wants to be. She hurts when you are hurting. She sticks by your side even when times are wrong. She surprises you because nothing makes her happier than making you happy. She pays for your shit because she actually wants to. But a lot of the reason why she does all of that is because she’s afraid to lose you.
There’s something about a girl when she’s on her own.
When a girl is independent she devotes everything she has to herself, and everything she does is because she knows she’s worth it. She doesn’t need anybody to hold her hand, she could do it on her own. She cries to herself because she knows she’ll make it through the night. She forgets you once you’ve hurt her. She keeps food on the table for herself. She fights hard for herself because she cares. She learns and grows from her own mistakes. She doesn’t kiss just because. She doesn’t need anybody to help her ease the hurt. She drops plans with her girlfriends because she rather spend time alone. She doesn’t need somebody next to her just to get some sleep. She hurts. She knows to stick to herself when times are wrong. She doesn’t need surprises because she knows what makes her happy. She pays for her own shit because she actually wants to. But a lot of the reason why she does all of that is because she has lost you."
Quoted from my lover's blog :)
since she has private her blog and not everyone can see this. and here i thought that this post of hers is rather true and would like to share it with all the other girls out there. and for you boys, take note that this is what exactly is happening to girls in these situation. ***although not all girls are like this***
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Hmm...
several questions were asked. not from me. but from others, to me.
it got me thinking. and pondering about it.
honestly, i am feeling disturbed by the questions that they asked me. so disturbed. and at the same time upset with myself.
what should i do now?
this cannot drag any longer. it has to come to an end. but it is not the time yet.
patience. patience. the right time will come, for me to leave this game.
i need to wait. to execute this. wait.
it got me thinking. and pondering about it.
honestly, i am feeling disturbed by the questions that they asked me. so disturbed. and at the same time upset with myself.
what should i do now?
this cannot drag any longer. it has to come to an end. but it is not the time yet.
patience. patience. the right time will come, for me to leave this game.
i need to wait. to execute this. wait.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Mood: Panic
Fuck! I just realised that i couldnt find the CD that Jane has handed to me on Sunday. I need to pass that to Flora on Thursday along with the keys and the expenses documents. omg. my room is in mess and i really cannot remember where the hell i put that CD! Fuck!
I remembered taking it out, placing it somewhere that i thought at the back of my head "it will be convenient for me to bring out so that i wont forget" and i remembered that i was packing my notes on that day because i need to study on monday. and and and, i remembered bring a lot of stuff home on sunday and wtf! i forgot where i put that CD.
omg omg omg omg...i'm so dead...i need my memories back! of all things i forget, i choose to forget where i place the CD. NB! WTF! memories, sobz! please come back..i need to recall and i only have till thursday and i haven't start studying for MA on thursday and I DON'T HAVE MY ORGANIZER WITH ME!
i feel so handicap...
sobz...cd...please come out!
I remembered taking it out, placing it somewhere that i thought at the back of my head "it will be convenient for me to bring out so that i wont forget" and i remembered that i was packing my notes on that day because i need to study on monday. and and and, i remembered bring a lot of stuff home on sunday and wtf! i forgot where i put that CD.
omg omg omg omg...i'm so dead...i need my memories back! of all things i forget, i choose to forget where i place the CD. NB! WTF! memories, sobz! please come back..i need to recall and i only have till thursday and i haven't start studying for MA on thursday and I DON'T HAVE MY ORGANIZER WITH ME!
i feel so handicap...
sobz...cd...please come out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)