My Medicine

Time flows everyday and just like that it passes by so fast before i knew it. It is all coming to an end. An end to my work, ended with SBF and now i only have my studies to accompany me through my seemingly long weeks ahead.

The reasons for all these?! Nothing in particular. It is just the way things are and how it is supposed to end. I am already prepared for it long time ago. To me, having more free time on hand, may not be a good thing afterall because by having more time, i would tend to think about you a little more than i should.

And so, i want to keep myself occupied. The best medicine for this is not to wait and sulk on my own or to go party or clubbing to numb it. I will go back to my comfortable, familiar and safe zone; bowling is my cure. Now that i realised that i have always fall back on my bowling whenever things do not end up well for me. I like that me on the lanes. That aggressive, strong-willed, determined and clear-headed me, that is always on the lane. Sad to say, i have not successfully applied that practice in handling relationship. i wished i had.

I never knew that i was this weak in this area as compared to when i was younger then. Say, age really does make a difference in things don't they? as we get older, the things we view seems to be different and the things that we value is clearer. But i think i'm handling it just fine. like what a friend of mine said "it is difficult to keep a distant and to stay away when you see each other so often" I hate to admit it but I'm doing my best here too :)

I believe i can find my own ways and assurance that i will reduce the number of times you appear in my head everyday and also, to place more concentration on my studies so as not to disappoint my father any further than i already have. I hate it everytime i sneezed because it would just come across my mind that someone might be thinking of me. Recently, i have been sneezing more than usual and i tell myself that it is a sign that i'm falling ill. Anyway i will get myself back on track like the way i used to be, and hopefully, i can, at the very least, salvage this friendship.

I don't have the confidence to say that once our tests/exams ends, things would be the same as the way they are now. I don't even know if i could keep my word to not drift away. Sometimes, i thought that i should not give in to you and i should, treat you like how i treat my other friends. Only then that i realised in order for me to do that, i will need time to know you better through the things you do. That actions has to come sincerely and genuinely from that person himself for me to be able to understand a person better.

In whatever way, i have no intention in going back on my promise and also i know myself very well that once i am able to accept this person as my good friend, i know that i will never consider him as a potential partner at all. Just like my closer male friends i have, because i know them too well, i won't date them and they, will never have this idea across their head as well. This is a friendship, a bond, created that will last as long as it can take.

I wish i could stick to this resolution that I made.

For now, studies will always replace you whenever i think of you. I will refrain from making the first move to sms (unless otherwise necessary) or any other actions that may / could have lead you on. But still, i am curious as to how in the world things could have developed to this stage. I wonders. and is still wondering.