Sometimes...

A very bad habit of mine, i would just click on his profile on facebook to check out what is he doing and how is everything. not too sure by doing so what is that i want to find out. sometimes i asked myself, why bother checking up on him? but i have never honestly answered my own question and even till today i clearly know that i am always running away.

i'm not going to say that i envy them now and i'm not going to say that i regretted not taking his hand back then. but, i cannot deny that my heart is aching. why? i don't know. i wish i know. put it this way, i want to know too. it is easy to read others and understand what others are thinking, but i guess at the end of the day, the only person you don't really know is yourself. for me, i guess it is this way for me.

he is now with this quite sweet looking girl who seems to really loves him a lot and he seems to love her a lot too. good for them and that was what i have always wished for. hoping that everything would end between us since long ago. but then, why is my heart still aching. maybe because it's the time of the month and i'm feeling emo again.

i saw his pictures and they are travelling around tokyo, japan for new year count down. sweet. it is something he would do since he is the romantic type of person and he always has a glib tongue and somehow or rather you would end up following whatever he says. perhaps, that was one of the reasons why i would agree to date him back then.

looking back, perhaps he was my first love. from that very day when he asked me out and listening to his dreams and wishes, i knew that this man will be a successful man in the future. he's smart, not too bad looking and he has everything a girl may want, an ideal partner but somehow ever since then i have always doubted him.

apparently back then everything is not serious at all. probably i was the only one who fell quite deep for it but that is what a player is good at isn't it? he left me for another girl whom happens to be one of my good friend. he hops from girls to girls and you could guess how many girls' heart he has broken and how many i don't know if he ever tried to fix them.

did i really lose him for good? i really don't know man. i wish he could tell me that he was just playing around so that i could at least bury this and so i will never have this habit of looking at his fb pofile. thinking back, probably he was the caused why i don't really trusts guys even till now, always guarding my heart so that i won't walk into the same situation again.

when browsing through his photos, i wondered what if i have taken his hand back then, he girl standing there now would it still be her or me? or would it be, 10 years down and he who's a player and wil hurt this girl now like what he did in the past, and will i, still be thinking, what if 10 years down, that person who will be hurt would still be her or me?

i hope that this all nonsense are just becases it is the time of the month and i'm just having some terrible mood swing. wake up tomorrow and forget about everything. sometimes, having a short term memory may be a good thing. take my memories away, so that i dun have to remember how it feels. Also, all the promises that he made and all those words he said, take it back. it would definitely make me feel better. although he was not the one at fault because it was me who pushed away his hands.