Towards The End Which Seems To Be The Beginning

Finally left with my last paper on next Wednesday. Cannot believe that I actually cleared 3 papers already. Felt like I'm on the verge of death. Didn't know that studying could be that hard. Wish I could be more hardworking from the very beginning. Have learnt my lesson, and will start studying 3 months before my exams. That is for next year.

As the days passed by and the weeks crushed on, I realised that I have very little confidence in completing my second year. The more I think about it the more demoralized I am. Say, how am I suppose to pick myself up after all this is over.

There were times where I thought I would break apart and crumble. What am I going to do if I don't get through my second year? Wonder how much will I disappoint my parent. I have already make them given up hope on my bowling, I cannot afford to let them down for my studies. That is the only other thing I could make them feel proud of me. If I can't even achieve that, then what's left in me?

Reflect. Thinking back on my studying sessions, although we were not as productive as we should be, we learnt something. Should be. I didn't put in enough effort. Not enough. Breathe. Yes. I need some breathing space. Sometimes I wished I had the courage to cry it out. Did you know that it takes courage to not to cry, but at the same time, you need some courage to cry and let it out?

I didn't know that too. Until recently that I realised it. Because we are all adults. Crying became something that isn't even in our dictionary. Let it go. That's right. That's what I thought too. Let it go, since there is nothing I could do about it anymore. What's done, cannot be undone. Knew that long ago.

I need a change. True. A change in myself. A change from within. That is not good enough. My attitude. That has too many weakness. That has to change as well. To become stronger. Every day is a brand new day, a brand new breeze. I can't just be myself right now.

I'm not moving forward at all. Stuck here. Unable to put my best foot forward when I know that I can always do better. I've knew that all along. Really. Laziness that sets in me, taking away my motivation. Ain't bringing me anywhere at all.

Casting aside all unneccesary thoughts. Clear up my mind. Reconsider. Plan. Friends. Family. My future. Career. And my life. Sighed. I need more determination and courage, to walk down this path that I've choosen. This is only the beginning. I will take some time off my busy schedule. Take a walk. Peaceful scenery. I need that.

Rest is important.

I'm signing off.