Recently I have been having and doing random things. I suddenly feel like updating my CV which stands for curriculum vitae, which also means resume. Also, I have the sudden thought of changing my job. And having the sudden urge to study for my exams which is in May. Last but not least, I have the sudden thought that I should only get a boy friend after I turn 25. How cool is that.
I have been hearing many things from my friends around me, be it younger, older or of the same age. With this I have finally come to a conclusion and I am going to stand firm on it and promise not to waver anymore and that is I will and ONLY WILL get a boyfriend after I turn 25. Why? Now I tell you why.
Unlike some of friends who are the fortunate ones, they already have a stable relationship with their boyfriends and its just a matter of time when they settle down. As for me, I somehow seems to have a little bad experience with guys. More like, I don't really have a very good memory of them.
Of all aspects in my life, I can overcome hardships in work, study and bowling. But the only thing I have been always very weak in is relationship. Seriously, I am not very good with that and as a result I would always prefer to end up as good friends. The harmony and balance that I don't want to break. Friendship is the everlasting one. But having said that, it doesn't mean that I ran away from all my encounters, its just that I have not truly met one whom I will go head over heels for.
As you can see, I am not someone any guy can match up with. Not like I'm saying that I'm damn high up or what, but in terms of character, I can never play the role of an injured deer or rabbit that always needed some one to be my support. Neither will I wail or whine to get my way. So basically I'm not anyone's typical girlfriend to start with. Oh yes, I understand that.
I always thought that I am strong and can walk down my life alone not getting into any relationship or whatsoever, until one of those days where I always pour my troubles onto my friends on our long journey home, she told me that no matter how strong or independent a woman may be, at some point in time when you're feeling down or when somethine bad happens and you really need a shoulder to cry on, you will realise how important your partner is. She even questioned me asking if I want to cry alone when that time comes.
To be honest, I probably will call up some close friends of mine and let my heart out if that time really comes that I would break down that badly. I hope that times like this wouldn't come and I don't want it to come either. Because the only time I can think of that I would reach that state, has only one scenario and I don't wish to mention it here.
It is only recently that I have come to realise and notice that I am indeed getting mature in my mentality. Guess it is true when those elderly tells you that as you grow older you will start to understand things that all along you have been very stubborn about. That I cannot deny.
From the day I have decided to go into accounting, I have aimed to be a career woman and of course at that point in time I am fully aware of the consequences many career women faced. That is they have no one who could stand beside them as their partner and they are destined to walk down the path of life alone with no support at all. I understand that and also willing to make that sacrifices. But now, I'm thinking a bit slightly different from then.
All along, I have modelled after my father in career wise and I want to have the same awareness as my mother that my father is lacking. Generally I want to inherit both my parents good points and put these characteristics into mine. To mould myself to be an independent and relaible girl to a point where my parents can not worry about me anymore. I have always kept that image in me. Up till today, I am not anywhere near my father nor my mother. I don't have the wisdom my father has nor do I have the precision my mother has. I only start to see this in the recent years after many many things happened.
At the same time when I want to be strong, I was weak too but fortunately I always have my parents there for me to walk through anything and everything and for me, they have always been strong and firm. As for me, I'm still as timid as ever and couldn't really do anything on my own or rather for my own's sake. But that's all there is to me isn't it? That's kinda sad if you think about it.
So you see, I am neither here nor there now and this really makes things a little complicated comapred to my secondary school days where I have only two worries, studies and bowling and nothing else matters. If you were to ask me what made me change my mindset, I couldn't tell you exactly what is it but probably I would say from life experiences and that I am really not young anymore.
I look around my friends, especially guys, who once told me to be their girlfriend, and I look at the lives they have been living up till now, and some has gotten themselves a wonderful girlfriend I hope. So much for all the love letters back in school days and all the promises made, they are lovely aren't they? Yes, I couldn't deny that and with so much changes around us, it forces me to think that age has really catch up with me and soon enough I will be stepping into another world so different from mine now.
With all these going round and round in a never ending cycle, I feel that a person's mind and heart would probably by most stable when you reach 25 and above. Be it a male or female. 25 is like the breaking age where some how or somewhere along the line, emotionally more stable and more sensible in many things. Although I my sound every positive here, trust me, I have very little confidence in guys. That's one reason why I always go running to my three female friends, even though one of them is not really reliable, to pour and consult my worries. I bet they are damn frustrated with me and find me annoying. (they are fsm, ts, sml) *smiles*
Now with my new resolution in mind, I hope that I can help myself to reduce some troubles and worries because I know myself some times I can get too carried away and I should open up my view a little more. To accept things and situation that I am not comfortable with or to recall back what it used to be like back in those days where I enjoyed my life the most. I have decided to set m heart all out on studies and my career. Relationship will come later and I will not go look for it. Neither will I go around pondering over anybody whether will he be my Mr. Right.
Also, I hope my mother could stop nagging and harping on this issue. But then again, I can never really run away from it isn't it? Well, guess I will need to face my mother head on and tell her straight out what I have planned out for my life for the time being while the future is still being subjected to changes. LOL. I really hop ethat my resolution can help me pull through this stage that I am in.
So that you know, at my age is actually one of the most dangerous stage in part of the growing up. Because now that you are legally an adult and that you have to be responsible for your own actions. Innocent and naiveness does not really apply anymore and ignorant won't help you to get out of trouble. Worst still, people my age are usually reckless, rushing for don't know what reasons, curious about adult life, gets into complicated relationship and making serious mistakes in life.
At the end of the day, I wish I could stay the way I am and at the same time grow to become a better person in life. I am not here on this Earth by chance, I am here for a reason. For a good reason I hope. I hold my own fate, my own destiny and paint the picture I want and colour my life the way I want it. To know that I will never regret in any decisions I made, and to live my day to the fullest. I must build myself to be a stronger person in mind and to have more self-discipline.
Having that all said, can I really do it? Sigh... ... ... ...
Screw it, I can do it :)
Faith is taking the first step when you cannot see the whole staircase.
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