to be real honest, i am not feeling extremely well recently. not in the mental aspect since i'm perfectly healthy, it's on the emotional aspects. i am disturbed by so many things happening around me. like so many things.
many a times, when ever i overheard the girl, or any one of my friends complaining about their parents being so difficult here and there, and i always, without a fail, will encorage them to look on the bright side of it and try not to pick a fight or quarell with their dad or mom. just because i have many friends out there who has lost their parents to accidents, illness and some in the event of a divorced. and so, i always appreciate how fortunate i am to have both my dad and my mom with me. i really really really do. that said, they still get on my nerves some times. and that is frustrating to know.
SHE has always pick on every single thing that i do since young but also at the same time showered me with unlimited amount of love and concern. i know how she always stick up for me and stand by my side.i know it all. things got worst, when i entered the bowling arena. she's harder on me than anyone in the family. pushes me to my max and only when things start to collapse, she learnt to let it go. *although suicide did come into my mind several times, but i dont have the guts to do so* and so many times in my life, i always wonder, would it be better if i'm dead? i guess she would probably be sad, but after a while she would be all happy that i'm gone. that's what she said before, although i did bring it up to her and she deny saying that before. what can i say boy.
from young, i have developed this habit of not saying "no" to her. because i simply know what kind of consequences i will exepect after that. after a few tries, i gave up just because i was too tired to have an argument with her. i never win. and even if i did, she was the one who gave in, not because i really won. so i don't see a point. but having that said, there were times that her disapproval does make a point and save my ass from lots of trouble. so that i can appreciate. however there are still so many things in my life, even after i'm 21, she still rules it over me. but, i can tolerate it. no problem. just have to let it slide.
and so, from time to time, i am always thinking about ways and solutions to live peacefully with her. no fights. no arguments. at least throughout the year and the only conclusion i have is that i must have my own earning power and to not spend so much time at home alone, together with her. and from the past 2 years of my life, i have proven myself right. HE who spends more time with her for the past 2 years on my behalf since i'm always not around, has been into more arguments and fights with her more than i did. awesome isn't it? i found a scapegoat. *i really hate to put it this way, but that's the reality and it's cruel*
sigh. i resigned from my job some time around in feb this year and till now it's only 2 months and i have been ALMOST into an argument with her TWICE. can you imagine, it's only 2 months of me spending more time at home and i almost had 2 arguments with her?! i cannot imagine how to survive for the next 8 months of my life. i regretted quitting from my job. seriously i did. i'm now begging to god that some one just employ me now, in an instant. thank goodness i took up the internship offered by my school for 2 months starting in june. so from now till then, i will just use study as an excuse to leave house and not to be home. pathetic am i? i have a house i cannot go back to until nightfalls. what a shame.
honestly, i have no idea whether is she picking a fight with me on purpose. at first, she was all happy about this boy i just knew and is always cheerful when i'm out with him, however after she found out that he smokes, she became all wary and upset whenever i'm with him. for now, i can still take her attitude as long as she doesnt jumps over the line like what she did with the previous friends of mine, i'm fine. i can take that. next, she is still comparing me to this another bowler saying that i can NEVER EVER win her in my whole life and that i suck as a bowler since i have been bowling for god damn long and still cannot overtake her. THIS, i can take it. no problem. it's true that i'm a lousy bowler, but as long as i know where i stand, i'm fine with it. i don't need her encouragement, her approval, her consent or her support in my bowling. i have already learnt to live without all that. i'm fine.
NOW, she nags on my passion i love most which is also bowling. i participated in this league organized by this friend of mine, it's a weekly thing and each time i'm selected to bowl, i would have to pay $16 for 4 games. that is reasonable. every where else charges the same. my team is not strong, but i'm just bowling for training and for my friends. and this is what she said :"don't spend so much money on this useless, cannot win game. $16 is not cheap and if you cannot win is like throwing money into the sea. we are tight with cash now and please try to save money since daddy is working hard to earn money. be more sensible a bit. you so old already. now every thing is so expensive!" guess what, you don't know how much blood has rushed into my brain and i feel like telling her that if she ever worried about money, she shouldnt be spending OUR money on jackpots. i'm fine with her playing mahjong since it's a luck thing and you are playing against humn. i'm fine with 4d because she always did her homework before betting. but JACKPOT?!?! you've got to be kidding me. and she lost from at least $150 to $'000 of dollars. and WHAT IS MY $16 COMPARED TO THAT?!?!?! not to mention that she frequents the jackpot room almost vey night for god knows how many years since I WAS YOUNG. seriously, i wonder if she ever knows what she's saying. half of the time, i know she KNEW what she's talking about. she just want to pick a fight on me.
if i were younger then, i would have shoot her with it and i forget about sleeping tonight. but now, i just need to blast my ipod and pretend not to hear a single nonsense she has spoken. it just makes my blood boils. fine. i can take it. no problem at all. i can take it all. if my dad can, i could too. i will make it through for this 2 months until my internship starts. and after that i'd better start my job hunting. i cannot stand staying at home, being together with her alone for long hours. it's torturing. i'd rather work till i drop dead. at least i know my efforts pay off.
i'm so pissed now. i really wish i could do something else now to distract myself from her. and i have decided that from tomorrow onwards, whether i can find anybody to study with me, i am going to do my self study anywhere but home. even my house downstairs i'm fine with it. and, i am not going to bother or ask my dad to pick me up or send me home. i have enough of her grumbling about the waiting time. even if i have to crawl, i'll crawl home. cash. is something i dont have since i dont save and i always give my allowance to my parents. but, somehow i will manage it until i get a job. this year. so it's only a few more months to bear. i know i can pull through.no problem.
i really want work.
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