how many more times

shocked. not exactly. i've kinda expected it somehow since today is his birthday. yesterday when i saw the latest event posted on my facebook wall, it stated that it was ***"old flame" birthday. i was contemplating whether should i drop him a birthday message but decided not to because i dont want to mislead him in any possible ways.

but who would expect him to nudge me on msn today and asked how's life. so well, just being nice i said hello and wished him a happy birthday. just a simple happy birthday and nothing else. i kept my sentences and reply short and simple. hopefully we can still be friends after what happen that very saturday night on siewmei's birthday.

he asked about my exams and school so told him that i've gotten busier lately and somehow seems to be running out of time. after which he got disconnected and then he drop me an sms. he said that he still misses me alot and would do whatever it takes to see me again even though he knows that my parents would disagree.

my reply to him was [even though there's no outcome to it al all?] and this is what he replied back [yup, even if there's no outcome to it, i know that i love you and that's a fact i cant deny regardless of whatever outcome...even if i must die, at least i spend my time with you and not worrying how the future's gonna turn out]

omg, his sms sounds damn serious. and my reply to him was to sleep early dun think too much and good night. am i cruel? now i'm thinking whether right from the start should i even reply to his messages.

at this point of time i wished i could talk to siewmei or maylou about this since they are the only ones who know about the whole story. but i couldnt find them online. i thought of talking to steffi, but she's not online either.

this is where i need to tell myself to solve your own problems and stop depending on others. i really don't know how to deal with this situation. who can really understand how my heart feels now. really. i dont even know where to start looking at the root of this problem.

i need to start to calm my mind, and heart to look at a clearer picture. to judge from a third person's point of view. i need to solve this problem on my own. how?

i want some answers.

***note people, someone pointed it out to me the other time about this. well, when i said old flame, it doesnt mean he was someone i used to date or something. it's just a reference for me to call him by names. because at that point of time i couldn't think of any other suitable names, that's why i used "old flame" as a representative for this person. So, please do not mistaken him as someone who is really an old flame. thanks peeps.