OMG. SO DEAD.

To be honest, i'm kinda in a deep pile of shit recently. well, i believe many of you would know that when one shit comes, all the shit would come as well. omg, i'm so dead. perhaps this is my karma. a lesson for me to learnt through the dangerous way. the most dangerous way.

so where should i start talking about it. alright, perhaps it all started out with old flame meeting up and stuff. this could get pretty serious and to make things worst, i've played with fire and burnt myself.

this boy whom i have know him since my teenage years came back asking me out for a dinner. and well, here i though no harm going out for a dinner since it i hadnt been going out much and my social life seems a little boring and dry. this is the point where you could say, trying to start the fire with a match stick. and here it goes.

after dinner and stuff, we talked a bit and till now we still contact each other. and of coz, the meeting didnt end with just the first dinner, we went out for a movie and stuff too. so it pretty seems like a date. at least, that's what i thought too. and this is the point when i realised that under the match stick that i lid, there was a pile of dry grass below it.

so it has been a week already. and after many sms-ing on the phone and stuff. i'm gradually starting to feel frighten by him. in short, i'm afraid of him. he's not a stalker or anything coz he's in army now. i mean he sign on as a regular in the SAF. by saying so, i guess many of you could have already figured out that he has money.

he owns his own car, a tuscani. he has cash and credit card. BUT!!! that's not the point. there was this once serious talk we had and he was talking about OUR future. yes, hear it right, he said OUR FUTURE! omg. die. to be honest. he was never in my picture.

also, since recently i have changed my msn nick complaining about my comp and stuff. he hinted that he wanted to buy a laptop for me, on top of that, it is a macbook. oh yea, you didnt hear or see wrongly again. he said MACBOOK! and guess what it is the MACBOOK PRO!. jeez, at this point of time, my heartbeat almost stop for 5mins. it's not funny.

putting that aside, i was glad that there was this one sms that he mentioned that he feels that it's kinda hard for him to communicate with me. my mood was damn happy. i wish he could call off this whole thing. at this stage, the match stick that i lid, went out and i dispose it into the pile of dried grass.

erm. i dun even know how to describe the status we're in. god damn it. boys sure are trouble. damn big trouble-maker. i'm starting to have phobia against boys. zomg. correction. not boys. phobia against him.yes. HIM!

okay, apart from all these things. he said he wanted to meet my parent. my soul almost went out of my body.yea. for a split second my soul came out of my body and went back in again. for god's sake. what in the world is he thinking. i dont understand. i totally don't understand and dont get it. at this point of time, it feels like the match stick that was supposed to die, found its spark and lid again. this time round, in the pile of dried grass. the fire started.

and so when the fire started. now. i'm starting to find water to put it out. and if i don't find the water in time, i will burn myself. alright, i hate to say this but now i've a few plans on hand. i have to play my cards well and right. on top of that, i can never play this fairly and so cheating is necessary.

i have to get this settled by end of this week. if not, you would probably see my face on the orbiturary page or on my grave engraved on it R.I.P
it may sound serious. because it is serious. if i dun settle it fast. there will be dispute between my mother and i, my father and my mother, my mother and him, and last of all me and his family.

die. so dead. why would this happen at a time like this. why. why. why. tell me why. i thought i could keep my cool. oh well, i am keeping my cool on the surface. yes i am. i'm just venting my frustration here. and i'm glad i did.

during all these times when i'm out with him or texting each other. i know he cared for me. but somehow i don't feel that love at all. somehow it doesnt seem like it is real. it is not something i could put to words but i did some comparison between this old flame and that WOODBLOCK.

of coz i not only compared my old flame with woodblock but also with some other male friends that i know who used to be interested in me and how they approach and what is the feel like. but i can only compare him to woodblock because we have the same denominator here which is me. they are somewhat my type of guys and i had feelings for them.however, a very different type of feel.

woodblock gave me a more real feel. thinking back on those times when we spent toegther during our overseas tourny. somehow i could feel that he may have really cared for me from the bottom of his heart. he meant it. his actions, gestures and words.he meant it.

old flame is more of like a playing feel. although from the time i know him till now, he did mature a lot.trust me, he was damn freaking fugging childish in the past. but that's all in the past and right now he may turn out to be a not a bad guy. having said that, i dont feel anything from him.

a lady's 6th sense is always damn accurate. i'm not being bias here. really. but my heart doesnt tell me that old flame is the man for me. or the guy i want to be in a realtionship with. his actions, gestures or words doesnt seem to be what he wants to say. it feels more like, he is saying it because he knows i want to hear it. it feels like he is rushing it.

woodblock may be irritating at times. sometimes hot sometimes cold. i dont understand what you're thinking as well. nevertheless, those time that i spent with you really felt different. you're honest. straight forward and the feeling you portray is innocent.

taking dinner or lunch for example. the way the two of them talks and the way they acted towards me are so different. old flame cares more about going to a more high class restaurant, not to be embarassed in front of me. woodblock is more of like taking care of what i need. like sharing food with me since i'm indecisive. THAT is the difference.

SMS.woodblock would ask if we're on the right route home. if i would need an umbrella and telling me the weather is going to rain. old flame would ask how's my day. if i miss him or not.not to work so much and burn my weekends off and when can we meet again.erm, people, can you spot the difference?

when we walk.old flame would walk beside me and try to do funny things like hold my hand and stuff. ok, i can understand this part why guys do that. but it is damn not natural. he would try to pace me so that he would have his chance.woodblock would also walk beside me. but he is walking by my side and not BESIDE me. the difference is, woodblock ensures that i wont be walking alone. whereas old flame has an ulterior motive.

look, i'm not speaking up for woodblock. really i'm not. but this is what my feel tells me so. well, all along i'm a very kinestatic person. so feel to me is important. sigh.

that's why i always say, when anything that comes to the heart, it's the most difficult issue to tackle. and to be honest. romance is damn troublesome. relationship is like a burden. after this, i better learn my lesson and stay away from potential harmful males.

actually, it's more of having more self-control and awareness. sometimes it's not good to let your heart overpower your brain. there are times where you brain has to lead your heart to make decisions. i guess this shows that i'm still so emotional. so damn emotional. and childish.

i have to seriously reflect on my own mistake this time round. not all males out there are just your friends or buddies. argh! OSN!!!!!! get a hold of yourself man. what is wrong with you. damn it.

lost.pissed.frustrated.afraid.worried.unsettled.uneasy.disappear.lie.truth.heart.head.decisions.methods.steps.plans.romance.feelings.relationship.parents.ideal.troubles.storm.shit.sigh.sleepy.