Saturday...another long day for me. Had work in the morning till evening as usual and headed out to Siewmei's 21st birthday party at Aranda. Although i didnt buy her any presents, cause i really don't know what to buy, treated her to lunch on Wednesday as her present. That's probably the most sincere present i could give.
Anyway, old flame insisted on picking me up from work and to send me down to siewmei's chalet. Also, he wants to send me home after that. Well, so i took this chance to clarify matters with him. thank goodness he doesn't know that i have a blog.
While in his car on the way to Aranda, he asked how's my day and stuff and told me he kinda missed me. Honestly, that puts me in a damn difficult situation. I felt like i was about to murder some innocent man. Though, he's not that innocent anymore based on what i know and heard about him in the past.
Past may be in the past and we should not bother it too much, however, your past is the one damn good thing that haunts you forever. So even though he may be "nice and innocent" now, it does not deny the fact that he lost it once. That is not very fair for whoever comes after that. If you know what i mean.
Anyway, i did hint him by saying what if i'm not the girl who will walk beside him in the future and also i asked him what would he do if i leave. When a girl says that, it's kinda obvious and i know that he kinda already knows what i'm going to say next. Unfortunately, i've already arrived at Aranda and so i had to get out of the car and to attend the party.
After the party, he came to pick me up as promised and we continued our conversation from there. While driving me back, throughout the entire trip he never once let go of my hand. That puts me in a even more difficult and awkward position because i'm not too sure what am i supposed to do next. Should i brush his hands off? or should i just let him hold on to my hand? what should i do? and bla bla bla...worrying through the journey home.
We had a little chat at my house downstairs and so i told him that it would probably be our last time meeting each other because i wanted to draw the line and maybe we should not contact each other anymore. He kept asking if i could make out some time for him and all he asked was just another dinner or movie. But this time round, i rejected him firmly. no buts, no maybes, no see-hows. I said no.
As when his eyes became teary, i feel so cruel towards him. and it was then i couldnt tell him straight that he is not the man i truly want to be with. Because somewhere out there, whenever something happens, woodblock would surface in my mind. I know that's bad. But i can't help it. That is when i realised that old flame is really not the one for me.
I wanted to be honest for once, with old flame. like telling him whatever i said on my blog. Like how i don't feel the love from him and somehow some where doesn't feel quite right despite the fact that i know him for like 7 to 8 years. Also, he may have good career prospect and he may be able to provide me for my life **from a realistic point of view**, but i don't feel like being part of the picture with him.
My heart doesnt skip a beat when i'm with him. Maybe at first sight, my heart beats a little faster than usual. But after a while, i tend to worry instead of enjoying my time with him. When he held my hand, thoughts like "shit, what am i supposed to do now?" , "what if someone saw us?" , "should i push him away?" , "will i hurt his pride?" , "i dun want this" and etc... will come across my mind.
But that doesnt happen when it was with woodblock. I'm not using woodblock as my excuse to push old flame away. It's just that somehow, i dun feel right with old flame. Also, it's not like i'm expecting something out of woodblock. Eventually, i may find a better guy than him and i will move on in life and i may forget what woodblock has done for me.
That aside, after getting off the car and ignoring him. He smsed me and told me that he would probably need some time to get over me and also, honestly he would do anything for us to be together. Tell you what, i didnt reply his sms. Am i doing the right thing? hope i did. don't want to mislead him or anything.
Time will heal. I hope it does. For him and for myself. I just hope that school can hurry start, training can hurry resume. So that I can keep myself busy and not think about anything. Not about old flame, not about woodblock. I just want to focus on my studies, bowling and work. Hang out with friends to chill. Mahjong. Sing K. Eat steamboat. Play L4D. or anything. gathering.
Relationship is troublesome. I knew that long ago. I shouldnt have bothered myself with all these unnecessary things at the moment, when i have other better things to do. Really. What have i gotten myself into. I brought this upon myself. If only, i hadnt gone out with him. Well, it's too late for that now. So, just be a little wiser next time. RUN, when you can see it coming.
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