There It Goes Again

Let me recall, when was the last time i studied? oh it's last Friday at Chinese Swimming Club, study room, waiting to bowl with Clement and Gerard, to practice for Saturday TP Alumni Bowling Competition. Yes, and it stops there. Saturday.Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. and even Wednesday. I did not even touch my books once. Not once. What makes it worst is that I skipped my morning classes on Monday and Tuesday. Shoot me now. Someone. Just pull the trigger.

For the first time after so long, I'm starting to feel anxious about my studies and I will lock these feelings tight in my heart to remind me that I am playing to my heart's content now, and I will also slought for the remaining days I have till exams approach. I play hard, but will study harder to make up for all the time lost. These feelings, are signs of guilty. Guilty that I have been playing and slacking so much that now when thinking back, felt that I have wasted my life away just like that. Reality sits in pretty fast and I'm starting to feel that now. So much now. What have I been doing the past few days. Oh Gosh!

You know, I am going to set some very strict rules on myself after this week ends. Since I have not more than 6 weeks left to study for my exams and my time is running short:

1. I will ONLY use my computer on weekends.
2. To sleep before 12midnight if i have morning classes the next day.
3. Self discipline. baby. self discipline.
4. Concentrate and Focus.
5. Everytime I feel like doing something, think about how much time i've wasted.
6. Supper is fine :)

Alright, with these i'm going to abide to this starting Thursday. I will want to keep my word and study hard so that I will not disappoint my parents. And for some reason, I don't feel as trapped as I use to feel. The power of words, now that i finally understand how words, can move people and steer their directions. I realised that I cannot underestimate the power words can hold. I think it can even move a moutain. and some, it moves my heart and determination.

A series of event that happens recently, triggered me to wake up from my slumber and to see the real world. and never did i expected that i will find back myself through such an unexpected encounter. I always thought that bowling was my comfort zone that brings me back to who i am. I'm not wrong, it just that bowling is only an avenue for me to numb myself in a place i'm familiar with and to take my mind of from other distractions. My bowling friends are there to lengthen the time to get distracted from my distractions.

But now, in order to find myself back. my mindset about my own life. the path that i want to take. the things that i'm willing to sacrifice for. the consequences that i've prepared myself with and feeling to be alone and strong, I've found everything from animes. unexpected isn't it? i have thought so myself too. I was watching some animes and remembered my intial promises i have made to myself. my determination on certain issues and my resolution on so many things. slowly, like pieces of my memory that starts to fall in place, comes back to me. and now, i think i am capable to, once again, deal with this loneliness. i have been dealing with that for so long that when someone happens to step in, i have opened up too much and it became a habit that i must have someone with me. to listen to my woes, happiness and unrelated issues. or even to spend time with.

I think i am ready to set off on my own once again. since i have been through so many times of this and experience really is accumulating, I can handle this. It is just the matter of going back to where I have stopped and move on from there. My mistake this time round is, i guarded myself too much and always reject my own feelings. when i learn to accept it, the burden gets lighter each time. and slowly, just like this, feeling so tired to fight it you became immune to it.

Studies.

You Know You Know

Just yesterday, i've experienced some funny moments with Sim May Lou and Siewmei. We were waiting for the lift in school after about 5hours of study and we're heading out for dinner. The lift didn't take too long and when it came, there was one middle-aged woman inside, i walked in first followed by Siewmei and guess what, the lady didn't see Maylou and closed the door right IN FRONT of her face. Everything just happened in not more than 10secs, i guess. Both Siewmei and I were too late to response to help her. lol. thank goodness Maylou's nose is still intact. You can't imagine how funny it was. Of all people, to close the door on Maylou, is something we've never thought it would happen.

and just today, Maylou has learnt her lesson and she has decided to be the first to walk in to the lift :) anyway, we weren't productive today. procrastinated and slept most of the time. in the end, we decided to end our day earlier than usual. we sat and talked over dinner about many things that we've always wanted to do but has never come true. and for each other, we have decided to skip classes the following and have some girl's outing :) awesome!

we decided that we would go roller blading, and then dinner at bedok 85 (see us whack all the food!) and then spent the night over at my place to mahjong! **we will be playing small coz me and Siewmei believe in beginners' luck** and we will also skip class the next day and go either swimming, movie, ice skate, sing k or shopping around the east area.

i am looking forward to that. since we have plan in advance, i hope nothing goes wrong for that day. like no rain, no mensus, no last min appointments or anything. hope that whoever is up there will be nice to us on that day. CAMERA will be in action too!

According to...

Someone told me something. and it felt like some one has just squeezed my heart so tight that it seems so hard to breathe. i choked on my own words as i tried to speak. and at this point of time that i know that my conscience is slowly killing me from the inside.

I'm trying. trying my best to piece things up to its original state. to bring everything back to where it supposed to be. don't misunderstand. i'm not acting to be strong or to be benevolent. perhaps it is in my nature to handle things this way. i'm not as harsh and tough as how i always speak, in fact i always use the soft approach to end things. that is all because, i know how soft my heart can be at crucial times. i'm tired of denying that and is learning to accept that fact.

All i need is to have someone, anyone, to assure me that my decisions are not wrong. and that i'm right. that is, this is the right thing to do. i need some confirmation that no matter what feeling i may have, i need to make the correct decisions for the benefit of everyone in the long run. i need affirmation that this is where things should be heading towards to. There is already no other alternatives.

i'm cornered.

N They Say

women can be silly sometimes, don't they? after going through all the hurt, in the end, we still choose to forgive and love again. our human heart can be so fragile, yet sometimes seems to strong. isn't this amazing? i bet.

i'm so tired of talking about my current thoughts, situations and my plans. so tired of it all. the answers that i always get, is always the same. and deep down, somewhere in my heart, i knew it all along that, that has to be the ending for it. and speaking about giving it more options, i wonder if there is really an alternative to it.

i hoped that someone can just tell me frankly, tell me that i'm stupid enough to get caught in all these and it is time for me to wake up my idea. i need my wake up call. where is it? well, i hope that things will work out eventually. but meanwhile, i'm still considering whether should i give it a fight?

my conclusion is still, i'm dumb. the only thing that i don't have that makes it perfect is to be a blond.