I have been inactive online for quite some time and that is because i am enjoying to my heart's content my 2 weeks holiday before i start work again this monday. Read the girl's blog and somehow it seems to me that she is facing another problem. Girl, i'm sure that you have noticed this yourself but it seems that you always happen to be at the extreme ends of this relationship. either you're always too happy and cheerful to the point that you would probably marry him or too distracted and frustrated to the point of cutting him off from your life forever.
Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must prepared for changes. Girl, this whole thing is taking a toll on you and perhaps it is really time to put a stop to it before it gets you deeper and then you will feel even more lost than usual. and because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. and you will need to take the first step to make a change so that you could move on with your life.
You will be surprise with how much human can adapt to the changes in the surrounding with the help of time. it's a habit to have the boy around you, its not lonely with the boy around you and you have adapted to it because the boy is around you. WAIT! stop and think, you did have your share of fun now, but you also had your share of laughter in the past when that boy was not around.
Managing a relationship is not easy but it's not supposed to be that tough too. I know you're feeling guilty and all, and all along you are aware of that but at the same time, you are trying to shove that thought deep down somewhere in your memory each time you are with the boy, with every assurance he can give you. but you know, at the end of the day, that boy, whom you have given everything to him, did not choose definitely to be with you.
Women as we are, are easily fooled by sweet words, empty promises, obvious lies and irresistible body gestures. One word can ease your doubts, one promises can give you happiness that would last for a lifetime and one hug could sweep away all your saddness. However, if those are not true, the setback will be harder to bear. and women as we are, we always accept it and hope that time would heal those wounds. That is very silly.
Fairytales does not exist but happiness is something we fight to achieve. The definition defers from individuals so Girl, know what makes you happy the most. not those sweet moments of pretend from that boy but the genuine moments of happiness where you could really feel that he cares. Trust me, you deserve better than this. have a little more faith in yourself.
Love is a smoke made with fume of sighs. it can be magical at times, but magic itself is an illusion.
Know what's best for yourself. Be not afriad to try and fail. Be afriad of failing to try :)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Dance In The Rain
Babe, seems like everything is doing good now between you and the boy and you don't wanna jinx it by talking about it, so i will do so too :) all the best but you do know it's going to be a rocky relationship. in which ever way, persevere k >.<
Having more time in hand makes me wanna do more things. i have the urge to take up jap lessons, so anyone interested in joining me? i also have the urge to do archery. not too sure why. but the possibility of me being influenced by mangas and animes for that is absolutely high. you know cool those characters play the archery. omg. they look so man can....omg. why didnt i do archery in the past. argh, nevermind :) at least i did rock climbing before. cheers.
Just packed my room today and i found a ring that pilot gave to me long ago. somehow i started thinking back to those time we spent together. as usual, i really wonder how would it be like if i really were to get together with him. at the same time, i tried to recall why did i push him away back then. check up on facebook but it seems like he's not been active lately so the pictures are still the same as i last viewed several months back. you know how sometimes, it just got you thinking. i wonder if back then, if he would really persevered and stayed on, would i hand my heart to him fully? well, there's a possibility that may happen. afterall, he's courting me all the way back to when we were in secondary school. it has been 10 years since then. time flies.
you know how i used to ponder why would he be so insistent on our relationship. i'm always wondering if he really loves me for real and if it is really that case, how could he just left after all those that he had promised me. although we never really started, it is true that he indeed has given me his promises. where are they now? so talk is really cheap isn't it? i dont want to talk about him. i just feel so tired since it has always been the same old thing over and over again. and as i talked about pilot, woodblock would surface for some very strange reasons god knows why.
woodblock was my ideal man but he didnt have that feelings for me despite i thought he did. apparently i made a mistake but he was really thoughtful and thus sweet in his very own ways. all his little gestures can make me smile even now. it seems that what he did and what happened still remains so vivid and it was really funny when i think back. i regretted to taking the chance to ask at the night. he is still me ideal man though and after a long consideration, i have decided to use him as my benchmark later for any guys who happens to appear in my life.
after typing so much. i'm starting to miss woodblock a bit :)
Having more time in hand makes me wanna do more things. i have the urge to take up jap lessons, so anyone interested in joining me? i also have the urge to do archery. not too sure why. but the possibility of me being influenced by mangas and animes for that is absolutely high. you know cool those characters play the archery. omg. they look so man can....omg. why didnt i do archery in the past. argh, nevermind :) at least i did rock climbing before. cheers.
Just packed my room today and i found a ring that pilot gave to me long ago. somehow i started thinking back to those time we spent together. as usual, i really wonder how would it be like if i really were to get together with him. at the same time, i tried to recall why did i push him away back then. check up on facebook but it seems like he's not been active lately so the pictures are still the same as i last viewed several months back. you know how sometimes, it just got you thinking. i wonder if back then, if he would really persevered and stayed on, would i hand my heart to him fully? well, there's a possibility that may happen. afterall, he's courting me all the way back to when we were in secondary school. it has been 10 years since then. time flies.
you know how i used to ponder why would he be so insistent on our relationship. i'm always wondering if he really loves me for real and if it is really that case, how could he just left after all those that he had promised me. although we never really started, it is true that he indeed has given me his promises. where are they now? so talk is really cheap isn't it? i dont want to talk about him. i just feel so tired since it has always been the same old thing over and over again. and as i talked about pilot, woodblock would surface for some very strange reasons god knows why.
woodblock was my ideal man but he didnt have that feelings for me despite i thought he did. apparently i made a mistake but he was really thoughtful and thus sweet in his very own ways. all his little gestures can make me smile even now. it seems that what he did and what happened still remains so vivid and it was really funny when i think back. i regretted to taking the chance to ask at the night. he is still me ideal man though and after a long consideration, i have decided to use him as my benchmark later for any guys who happens to appear in my life.
after typing so much. i'm starting to miss woodblock a bit :)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Life Still Goes On
Read your blog and somehow it just got me thinking again. and as u can see, i may not be able to be there for you when u really do need me so here i am, once again, posting my thoughts so that it would be able to set u thinking like how your posts set mine :)
Babe, life is not always blissful like those u see in FAIRYTALES (it's not WaltDisney's fault) and sometimes we just have to learn how to deal with it. Experience is not what happens to a you but it is what you do with what happens to you that you gain those experiences. I know your shittiest moments of your life and you've been through that. Friends only happens to be in your way when you're falling and though we had our arguments and disagreements, you know deep down we will always be there to catch your fall :)
It's alright to make wrong decisions in life. Everyone does as long as it is not too sinful that it is irreversible. things still move on and life still goes on. Not everyone found their perfect love on first attempt and trust me enough, those "happily ever after" couples out there, they have been through their ups and downs in their relationship but the main difference between us and them is that they managed to get through and we didn't. But it's alright. that's part and parcel of our life and we learn and grow from it. It's really alright babe, don't be so hard on yourself :)
it's not wrong to want attention from the boy u loved so deeply. who doesn't? and i came upon this friend's fb status that says "don't believe him coming back saying that he misses you so badly and stuff, remember, he didnt' chooose you" and you know, this got me thinking again (although for a different reason) but somehow, that phrase is so true. i can't deny that. babe, did he really choose you over her?
I understand that she has formed a chapter in his life and that is not possible to erase it off. you knew that and you accept it all. you're childish; that's not new. everyone around you knows that. but think about it, if the both of you can't get through this ordeal, it just shows how much love both of you have put into this relationship. It is not a matter of who loves who more, because that can never be measured distinctively on a scale.
I told you before, you need to take caution when it comes to love and you said it yourself that no one is there to protect your own heart. i know it is not easy to be in a relationship with someone. it takes two person of two different personality to be together. try it out any math equation and you know there won't be any answers to that. It takes more than what you think to get this relationship going, dear. If you're childish, then you just have to be more mature. Believe me, i know how much you've matured from the day you left to Aussie till i saw you last November and i told you that its not enough but there's room for improvement. and true enough, maturity doesn't comes overnight but over the years. Babe, if you have already done you part in this relationship and nothing seems to work, life would be much easier to move on. don't worry, you didnt lose the game. don't let your pride gets in your way.
This whole shit thing is getting a toll on you. probably its telling you to start look at things from a different perspective. see things from different angle. Babe, i'm not there with you in Aussie so i can't tell if what the boy is doing is for real or not. you have to learn to judge them youself. you know how acute your sixth senses are so don't doubt them. look before you leap. that's your main weak point. you hand over your heart too soon. i don't want you to be like me, because at this point of my life, i simply just lose faith in love. i don't believe in that now and i have found other goals in my life to pursue for. but babe, you still have faith in them don't you? give it a last chance and determine for youself what's best. only you know what you want best and you know yourself better than anyone out there does.
trust yourself dear. believe in your inner voice. have faith in it. don't deny yourself anymore. take the first step to listen to what your heart has to say and stay with it till the end. at least you know you've tried and so you would have come to an easy term in accepting what ever outcome it may be. At this point, there really isn't a right or wrong answer.
follow your heart because only from your heart you get the most honest answer.
Babe, life is not always blissful like those u see in FAIRYTALES (it's not WaltDisney's fault) and sometimes we just have to learn how to deal with it. Experience is not what happens to a you but it is what you do with what happens to you that you gain those experiences. I know your shittiest moments of your life and you've been through that. Friends only happens to be in your way when you're falling and though we had our arguments and disagreements, you know deep down we will always be there to catch your fall :)
It's alright to make wrong decisions in life. Everyone does as long as it is not too sinful that it is irreversible. things still move on and life still goes on. Not everyone found their perfect love on first attempt and trust me enough, those "happily ever after" couples out there, they have been through their ups and downs in their relationship but the main difference between us and them is that they managed to get through and we didn't. But it's alright. that's part and parcel of our life and we learn and grow from it. It's really alright babe, don't be so hard on yourself :)
it's not wrong to want attention from the boy u loved so deeply. who doesn't? and i came upon this friend's fb status that says "don't believe him coming back saying that he misses you so badly and stuff, remember, he didnt' chooose you" and you know, this got me thinking again (although for a different reason) but somehow, that phrase is so true. i can't deny that. babe, did he really choose you over her?
I understand that she has formed a chapter in his life and that is not possible to erase it off. you knew that and you accept it all. you're childish; that's not new. everyone around you knows that. but think about it, if the both of you can't get through this ordeal, it just shows how much love both of you have put into this relationship. It is not a matter of who loves who more, because that can never be measured distinctively on a scale.
I told you before, you need to take caution when it comes to love and you said it yourself that no one is there to protect your own heart. i know it is not easy to be in a relationship with someone. it takes two person of two different personality to be together. try it out any math equation and you know there won't be any answers to that. It takes more than what you think to get this relationship going, dear. If you're childish, then you just have to be more mature. Believe me, i know how much you've matured from the day you left to Aussie till i saw you last November and i told you that its not enough but there's room for improvement. and true enough, maturity doesn't comes overnight but over the years. Babe, if you have already done you part in this relationship and nothing seems to work, life would be much easier to move on. don't worry, you didnt lose the game. don't let your pride gets in your way.
This whole shit thing is getting a toll on you. probably its telling you to start look at things from a different perspective. see things from different angle. Babe, i'm not there with you in Aussie so i can't tell if what the boy is doing is for real or not. you have to learn to judge them youself. you know how acute your sixth senses are so don't doubt them. look before you leap. that's your main weak point. you hand over your heart too soon. i don't want you to be like me, because at this point of my life, i simply just lose faith in love. i don't believe in that now and i have found other goals in my life to pursue for. but babe, you still have faith in them don't you? give it a last chance and determine for youself what's best. only you know what you want best and you know yourself better than anyone out there does.
trust yourself dear. believe in your inner voice. have faith in it. don't deny yourself anymore. take the first step to listen to what your heart has to say and stay with it till the end. at least you know you've tried and so you would have come to an easy term in accepting what ever outcome it may be. At this point, there really isn't a right or wrong answer.
follow your heart because only from your heart you get the most honest answer.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Whatever That Is Left
2 papers down and 2 more to go...omg, i'm dreading the days till my last paper and i really really wanna to just hurry up and get it over and done with! I HAD ENOUGH OF BOOKS....and guess what i just realised that i only read twilight until book 2....i wanna continue with my edward!!!! i'm comtemplating whether should i buy that book, but u know it's not very smart of me to invest in that coz it's damn ex. probably i'll just put that as one of my "wish list" to have to collect the 4 books. i really think that it's a great series...so any kind hearted souls out there is willing to buy the twilight series for me?!?!?!?!
anyway, back to question. so why am i here blogging when i have a paper on tuesday and another on thursday? the answer is simple. I'm sick of studying. argh, u know what JUST SCREW IT...but but but, i need my degree -.- alright, back to square one...i need to study.
and you know , it's not nice to last min hug the buddha leg because u don't know it if would work and most of the time the results will tell u that u're plain lucky to have SCRAPE through...i know and by the way, did i spell that correctly?! er, i hope i did. i have been making TOO MANY mistakes lately and i really really don't wanna make any more STUPID mistakes...
oh boy....this is giving me hell lot of stress and i need my massage and facial...and i want my FUN! play play play..ice skating with the girls again on the 31st!!!!!!! YEA!!!!!! and dun worry steffi, when you're back i'll make sure that i'll get ah foo and ah sim to go ice skating with us :) and i suddenly wanna go watch movie so steffi, pls hurry and come back so we could go out for movies soon!!!! i need to wait till november -.- u sure have the guts to make me wait so long...but what to do...i'm used to it already. what's worst than u not picking up your phone?! anyway, i seem to have this habit these days tooo...ah foo and ah sim is complaining about me not answering my phone..but u see, my phone is er....a bit tooo high tech so yea.... :) smiles.
and i think i'd better get back to my books....
it's calling out for me...
27th MAY. I'M WAITING. it would be the pivoting point!!!!!!
anyway, back to question. so why am i here blogging when i have a paper on tuesday and another on thursday? the answer is simple. I'm sick of studying. argh, u know what JUST SCREW IT...but but but, i need my degree -.- alright, back to square one...i need to study.
and you know , it's not nice to last min hug the buddha leg because u don't know it if would work and most of the time the results will tell u that u're plain lucky to have SCRAPE through...i know and by the way, did i spell that correctly?! er, i hope i did. i have been making TOO MANY mistakes lately and i really really don't wanna make any more STUPID mistakes...
oh boy....this is giving me hell lot of stress and i need my massage and facial...and i want my FUN! play play play..ice skating with the girls again on the 31st!!!!!!! YEA!!!!!! and dun worry steffi, when you're back i'll make sure that i'll get ah foo and ah sim to go ice skating with us :) and i suddenly wanna go watch movie so steffi, pls hurry and come back so we could go out for movies soon!!!! i need to wait till november -.- u sure have the guts to make me wait so long...but what to do...i'm used to it already. what's worst than u not picking up your phone?! anyway, i seem to have this habit these days tooo...ah foo and ah sim is complaining about me not answering my phone..but u see, my phone is er....a bit tooo high tech so yea.... :) smiles.
and i think i'd better get back to my books....
it's calling out for me...
27th MAY. I'M WAITING. it would be the pivoting point!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
My Disappointment
i just took my first paper today and i am utterly disappointed with myself. i knew i could do better and to be even more prepared than this for i have all the time i needed but in the end, i went in to the exam hall with a half-assed attitude and attempt the paper just like that.
ellena, samantha and shermaine, they all seemed to be so well-prepared and they know their answers well. that's depressing. we all started studying at the same time and here i am procrastinating half the time and did nothing efficient and now here i am again, worried if i would get through with this. and if dont, i know i have myself to blame. i had the time in the world to study, but what was i doing? i have no idea. i thought i already studied hard enough, but it seems like i didnt do it the right way. i was distracted. so many times. and now, i'm facing the music.
lyou know, at this point, i really really hated myself for this. i really really do. it's not like i'm disappointed because i can't get a distinction or something. i am disappointed because if i fail, this paper, i deserve it. and you know what, i have another 3 more papers coming up and i'm really really depressed to think that i have so much to cover. just kill me for real now.
i'm having a massive headache because of my mensus and i cant seem to have mood for anything. i dun feel like doing anything but studying now. really i do. i'm lazy to eat as well. why am i like this? i have no idea what happened to me. all i know is, i hate the "me" now.
ellena, samantha and shermaine, they all seemed to be so well-prepared and they know their answers well. that's depressing. we all started studying at the same time and here i am procrastinating half the time and did nothing efficient and now here i am again, worried if i would get through with this. and if dont, i know i have myself to blame. i had the time in the world to study, but what was i doing? i have no idea. i thought i already studied hard enough, but it seems like i didnt do it the right way. i was distracted. so many times. and now, i'm facing the music.
lyou know, at this point, i really really hated myself for this. i really really do. it's not like i'm disappointed because i can't get a distinction or something. i am disappointed because if i fail, this paper, i deserve it. and you know what, i have another 3 more papers coming up and i'm really really depressed to think that i have so much to cover. just kill me for real now.
i'm having a massive headache because of my mensus and i cant seem to have mood for anything. i dun feel like doing anything but studying now. really i do. i'm lazy to eat as well. why am i like this? i have no idea what happened to me. all i know is, i hate the "me" now.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Seconds Ticking By
going into the last week of my preparations for my coming exams and to be honest, i really have no idea how much i've studied but i'm just going to keep giving my all and pray for the best. recently, i have just gotten a letter from my school to notify me of my attachment and i'm gald that i'm going to be attached to earnst and young :) but first i've got to pass the interview first. omg, whoever's up there, pls watch over me >.<
after a crazy month in april, things are slowly setting in and i'm starting to get settled down. back to the way i was before. back to the life i used to have. things are going as i how i foresaw it would be. and maybe because i predicted most of what happened, i'm able to deal with it much better. of coz, there is a part of it that without you guys whom i cannot do without. my friends. and so once i again i realised how important a role friend's play. they just manage to withstand all your nonsense. i mean, my nonsense. all my insecuritites and uneasiness, they can just sweep it off me. and for this, i'm once again not afriad of being alone.
and this new friend that i've made a few weeks back, he's from my current school and we had a couple of similiar modules. he's always curious about what's my opinion and he asked to share some part of my life with him. funny guy isn't he? but knowing me, once i start talking about bowling, about my life, the pilot and my other friends, i just get so carried away. and he just listens, laughs and just like me, he also cannot stop talking. and that's how we digress and didn't study much. oh boy.
talking to him made me realised some things that i have forgotten about in my life and with that, i have decided a few things that i have to do. i'm glad i've found them back. this is a new era. a new generation. and i know there will be more changes to come. i will stick it through. and some how, recently, woodblock just came into my mind :)
and when thinking about woodblock, there's always a smile across my face. i wonder why. it's always after all the ups and downs, then i'll think about woodblock. all the funny things woodblock would do which still stays so vivid in my mind. unlike the others, i forget them easily and even i could recall, it's only bits and pieces of it. for woodblock, everything stays so clear. i hate to say this, but i'm missing him a bit here. lol. of course, as a friend :) he never fails to humour me in the most unexpected way. hahaha. omg, i feel so old once again. i wish i could turn back the hands of time to those moments when i was with woodblock and probably he was the first person i could be with with an ease in mind. i dont talk about him to others. only you know. i should stick to my own belief. *smiles*
alright, better head off to study. when it rains, i just think about woodblock. what a gentle guy he is.
after a crazy month in april, things are slowly setting in and i'm starting to get settled down. back to the way i was before. back to the life i used to have. things are going as i how i foresaw it would be. and maybe because i predicted most of what happened, i'm able to deal with it much better. of coz, there is a part of it that without you guys whom i cannot do without. my friends. and so once i again i realised how important a role friend's play. they just manage to withstand all your nonsense. i mean, my nonsense. all my insecuritites and uneasiness, they can just sweep it off me. and for this, i'm once again not afriad of being alone.
and this new friend that i've made a few weeks back, he's from my current school and we had a couple of similiar modules. he's always curious about what's my opinion and he asked to share some part of my life with him. funny guy isn't he? but knowing me, once i start talking about bowling, about my life, the pilot and my other friends, i just get so carried away. and he just listens, laughs and just like me, he also cannot stop talking. and that's how we digress and didn't study much. oh boy.
talking to him made me realised some things that i have forgotten about in my life and with that, i have decided a few things that i have to do. i'm glad i've found them back. this is a new era. a new generation. and i know there will be more changes to come. i will stick it through. and some how, recently, woodblock just came into my mind :)
and when thinking about woodblock, there's always a smile across my face. i wonder why. it's always after all the ups and downs, then i'll think about woodblock. all the funny things woodblock would do which still stays so vivid in my mind. unlike the others, i forget them easily and even i could recall, it's only bits and pieces of it. for woodblock, everything stays so clear. i hate to say this, but i'm missing him a bit here. lol. of course, as a friend :) he never fails to humour me in the most unexpected way. hahaha. omg, i feel so old once again. i wish i could turn back the hands of time to those moments when i was with woodblock and probably he was the first person i could be with with an ease in mind. i dont talk about him to others. only you know. i should stick to my own belief. *smiles*
alright, better head off to study. when it rains, i just think about woodblock. what a gentle guy he is.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Fairytale
Distraction, is probably something i would need right now. i want to distract myself from distraction. just like the "pink elephant theory". well, it just shows that i really did learn something from my coaches afterall. as well as the "donkey theory".
I am really progressing at an excruciatingly slow pace for my revision for exams. i wonder why. sometimes, people can be so contradicting and i think that is what makes us, human. something so interesting. did a little of self assessment and pull out my strengths and weaknesses. and i just know how much it hurts sometimes, to know the truth. i have long learnt to accept it.
made a mistake. stumbled upon my fall. all is my bad. i know. i don't need anyone to tell me. there is no need to at the first place. since i already knew i was at fault too. just when i really needed someone to be there, friends never fail to leave my side. i appreciate it. though they may not know what happened, and i really don't want to talk about it all over again, nevertheless, they are always there for me. to cushion my fall. i have nothing to say.
on the spur of moment, i tried to do something and i hope i wasn't too late. the good thing is there are very little promises so the back fire is manageable. the bad thing is to fix what has been broken. that said, there's nothing to worry about. i know i'll ride it out eventually. because that is what makes me who i am.
it's hard to sleep at night. but a little wine would do the job. it's healthy and it serves it purpose. i need to steer my direction and my attention to my books. at times like this, time really seems so slow. ticking by seconds and every passing minutes, it's a dread. music would be my accompanion now. i wish i had attended guitar courses. random.
i want to sleep.
need to study tomorrow.
i need my rest too.
I am really progressing at an excruciatingly slow pace for my revision for exams. i wonder why. sometimes, people can be so contradicting and i think that is what makes us, human. something so interesting. did a little of self assessment and pull out my strengths and weaknesses. and i just know how much it hurts sometimes, to know the truth. i have long learnt to accept it.
made a mistake. stumbled upon my fall. all is my bad. i know. i don't need anyone to tell me. there is no need to at the first place. since i already knew i was at fault too. just when i really needed someone to be there, friends never fail to leave my side. i appreciate it. though they may not know what happened, and i really don't want to talk about it all over again, nevertheless, they are always there for me. to cushion my fall. i have nothing to say.
on the spur of moment, i tried to do something and i hope i wasn't too late. the good thing is there are very little promises so the back fire is manageable. the bad thing is to fix what has been broken. that said, there's nothing to worry about. i know i'll ride it out eventually. because that is what makes me who i am.
it's hard to sleep at night. but a little wine would do the job. it's healthy and it serves it purpose. i need to steer my direction and my attention to my books. at times like this, time really seems so slow. ticking by seconds and every passing minutes, it's a dread. music would be my accompanion now. i wish i had attended guitar courses. random.
i want to sleep.
need to study tomorrow.
i need my rest too.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Where The Sun Don't Shine
Jokes. somehow will lighten up your mood and make you smile and laugh from the bottom of your heart. i had a taste of it today with 2 amazingly comical study mates. they synchronise quite well with each other and, that is really surprising because they only met each other today for the first time. what a good rapport they have :)
That said, we were counting down to the number of days we have left till we have to sit for our first paper. Sad to say, the figures aren't very encouraging at the moment. stressed. and that's probably the reason to my frequent headaches these days. headaches make me feel sleepy even more.
Monday. is a day i would look forward to cause i will be having an awesome facial session with a not very awesome >.< but amusing buddy. I really can't wait to finish my exams and go on a short trip with the 2 girls. it was supposed to be last year, but we were too busy with our own things so this time round, we have make our dream come true. if possible, i would love to have steffi to join us since we will have even more fun.
i'm tired.
just blogging for the sake of blogging.
That said, we were counting down to the number of days we have left till we have to sit for our first paper. Sad to say, the figures aren't very encouraging at the moment. stressed. and that's probably the reason to my frequent headaches these days. headaches make me feel sleepy even more.
Monday. is a day i would look forward to cause i will be having an awesome facial session with a not very awesome >.< but amusing buddy. I really can't wait to finish my exams and go on a short trip with the 2 girls. it was supposed to be last year, but we were too busy with our own things so this time round, we have make our dream come true. if possible, i would love to have steffi to join us since we will have even more fun.
i'm tired.
just blogging for the sake of blogging.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Er....
Here i am, awake at such an unearthly hour; 5.38am on a Sunday morning. that said, i am feeling sleepy all of a sudden. i'll probably just crawl back to bed and have another good night rest.
my exams, in another 3 weeks time and still counting down. i am really freaking out but i just don't have the time to blog. i'm hardly on facebook and i missed my animes too. sigh. i want to study hard and score well for exams. i really want but i really don't know if i really did study every god damn thing that i need to study.
i feel so guilty spending my time here blogging and nua-ing some where in the house. it feels like i have simply wasted my precious time.
come on. just 3 weeks. focus.
my exams, in another 3 weeks time and still counting down. i am really freaking out but i just don't have the time to blog. i'm hardly on facebook and i missed my animes too. sigh. i want to study hard and score well for exams. i really want but i really don't know if i really did study every god damn thing that i need to study.
i feel so guilty spending my time here blogging and nua-ing some where in the house. it feels like i have simply wasted my precious time.
come on. just 3 weeks. focus.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Letter
Dear Girl,
I have no idea what had happened in Aussie with that boy, but i hope that you would be alright and everything will be fine. I will and I am looking forward to seeing you again when you comes back in November, and we will have all our fun :) This I promise to you! Ice Skating, Wild Wild Wet and maybe Universal Studio and whatever crazy things we both can do together. So for now, don't be sad.
I know it is gonna be hard, but that's there is to it. You have already been through the worst, so what is all this now?! No worries, you will get over this and be all yourself again. That cheerful and funny girl whom I have always known. Be happy. You deserve that much for yourself, girl. You had enough. It is time.
It is inevitable that you would be heart broken and all your scars would be open up. I also know that you will not be the kind of girl who would do whatever it takes to grab that boy by force. Because everything is just going to be temporary and since you have been in that other person's shoes before, you knew even better, how much it hurts for all parties.
Deep down, somewhere in your heart, I believed that you already knew right from the start that this whole thing ain't gonna work out rght. There will be temptation and that boy, is the main distraction of all. He would make you reconsider your decisions and will do anything to keep you by his side, at least for now. But,when he does all this, you too, know that when the time comes, he would gently put you aside and return back to where she is and coax her the way he did to you.
It's normal to feel jealous since we are all human. We have emotions and feelings. Girl, something we learnt from bowling; emotions control motion. So Girl, if you can control you emotions better, you would be able to make better decisions and do the things that you THINK it is right. Knowing you, would have considered her feelings into the equation and come out with the answer. It's alright.
Time. The best medicine ever for your broken heart. Girl, don't rush to heal your wound. It really takes time to get use to being alone again, doing the things that you used to do before the boy steps in. Life is going to feel boring once again, but at the same time, you would discover so many other things that you've once never thought of it before.
I don't have a recipe for your broken heart. I don't have any magic spells to help you forget your memories. Neither do I have any medicine to make things any better for you. The only thing I can give is advice and support. It is all up to you on how you want to end things with the boy. It is the path that you choose.
Seriously, if things cannot be the way you want it to be, then being friends would always be a better option. If you were to ask me, I would rather not be friends at all. Since you have been hurt, there is no point in staying around him and remind you of all the things you try not to remember. It is difficult to put up a facade to be friends and pretent that nothing happened and continue to smile. If you ask me, I can't do that. We are human Girl, there is no way you could ever do that in an instant. If it's over a long long time, then that makes perfect sense. But not now.
Be strong. Smile. Stay happy. Take care and be confident.
It is always better to walk away with grace.
The least you could salvage is your pride and dignity.
Regards,
Loves :)
I have no idea what had happened in Aussie with that boy, but i hope that you would be alright and everything will be fine. I will and I am looking forward to seeing you again when you comes back in November, and we will have all our fun :) This I promise to you! Ice Skating, Wild Wild Wet and maybe Universal Studio and whatever crazy things we both can do together. So for now, don't be sad.
I know it is gonna be hard, but that's there is to it. You have already been through the worst, so what is all this now?! No worries, you will get over this and be all yourself again. That cheerful and funny girl whom I have always known. Be happy. You deserve that much for yourself, girl. You had enough. It is time.
It is inevitable that you would be heart broken and all your scars would be open up. I also know that you will not be the kind of girl who would do whatever it takes to grab that boy by force. Because everything is just going to be temporary and since you have been in that other person's shoes before, you knew even better, how much it hurts for all parties.
Deep down, somewhere in your heart, I believed that you already knew right from the start that this whole thing ain't gonna work out rght. There will be temptation and that boy, is the main distraction of all. He would make you reconsider your decisions and will do anything to keep you by his side, at least for now. But,when he does all this, you too, know that when the time comes, he would gently put you aside and return back to where she is and coax her the way he did to you.
It's normal to feel jealous since we are all human. We have emotions and feelings. Girl, something we learnt from bowling; emotions control motion. So Girl, if you can control you emotions better, you would be able to make better decisions and do the things that you THINK it is right. Knowing you, would have considered her feelings into the equation and come out with the answer. It's alright.
Time. The best medicine ever for your broken heart. Girl, don't rush to heal your wound. It really takes time to get use to being alone again, doing the things that you used to do before the boy steps in. Life is going to feel boring once again, but at the same time, you would discover so many other things that you've once never thought of it before.
I don't have a recipe for your broken heart. I don't have any magic spells to help you forget your memories. Neither do I have any medicine to make things any better for you. The only thing I can give is advice and support. It is all up to you on how you want to end things with the boy. It is the path that you choose.
Seriously, if things cannot be the way you want it to be, then being friends would always be a better option. If you were to ask me, I would rather not be friends at all. Since you have been hurt, there is no point in staying around him and remind you of all the things you try not to remember. It is difficult to put up a facade to be friends and pretent that nothing happened and continue to smile. If you ask me, I can't do that. We are human Girl, there is no way you could ever do that in an instant. If it's over a long long time, then that makes perfect sense. But not now.
Be strong. Smile. Stay happy. Take care and be confident.
It is always better to walk away with grace.
The least you could salvage is your pride and dignity.
Regards,
Loves :)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
After so many years....
to be real honest, i am not feeling extremely well recently. not in the mental aspect since i'm perfectly healthy, it's on the emotional aspects. i am disturbed by so many things happening around me. like so many things.
many a times, when ever i overheard the girl, or any one of my friends complaining about their parents being so difficult here and there, and i always, without a fail, will encorage them to look on the bright side of it and try not to pick a fight or quarell with their dad or mom. just because i have many friends out there who has lost their parents to accidents, illness and some in the event of a divorced. and so, i always appreciate how fortunate i am to have both my dad and my mom with me. i really really really do. that said, they still get on my nerves some times. and that is frustrating to know.
SHE has always pick on every single thing that i do since young but also at the same time showered me with unlimited amount of love and concern. i know how she always stick up for me and stand by my side.i know it all. things got worst, when i entered the bowling arena. she's harder on me than anyone in the family. pushes me to my max and only when things start to collapse, she learnt to let it go. *although suicide did come into my mind several times, but i dont have the guts to do so* and so many times in my life, i always wonder, would it be better if i'm dead? i guess she would probably be sad, but after a while she would be all happy that i'm gone. that's what she said before, although i did bring it up to her and she deny saying that before. what can i say boy.
from young, i have developed this habit of not saying "no" to her. because i simply know what kind of consequences i will exepect after that. after a few tries, i gave up just because i was too tired to have an argument with her. i never win. and even if i did, she was the one who gave in, not because i really won. so i don't see a point. but having that said, there were times that her disapproval does make a point and save my ass from lots of trouble. so that i can appreciate. however there are still so many things in my life, even after i'm 21, she still rules it over me. but, i can tolerate it. no problem. just have to let it slide.
and so, from time to time, i am always thinking about ways and solutions to live peacefully with her. no fights. no arguments. at least throughout the year and the only conclusion i have is that i must have my own earning power and to not spend so much time at home alone, together with her. and from the past 2 years of my life, i have proven myself right. HE who spends more time with her for the past 2 years on my behalf since i'm always not around, has been into more arguments and fights with her more than i did. awesome isn't it? i found a scapegoat. *i really hate to put it this way, but that's the reality and it's cruel*
sigh. i resigned from my job some time around in feb this year and till now it's only 2 months and i have been ALMOST into an argument with her TWICE. can you imagine, it's only 2 months of me spending more time at home and i almost had 2 arguments with her?! i cannot imagine how to survive for the next 8 months of my life. i regretted quitting from my job. seriously i did. i'm now begging to god that some one just employ me now, in an instant. thank goodness i took up the internship offered by my school for 2 months starting in june. so from now till then, i will just use study as an excuse to leave house and not to be home. pathetic am i? i have a house i cannot go back to until nightfalls. what a shame.
honestly, i have no idea whether is she picking a fight with me on purpose. at first, she was all happy about this boy i just knew and is always cheerful when i'm out with him, however after she found out that he smokes, she became all wary and upset whenever i'm with him. for now, i can still take her attitude as long as she doesnt jumps over the line like what she did with the previous friends of mine, i'm fine. i can take that. next, she is still comparing me to this another bowler saying that i can NEVER EVER win her in my whole life and that i suck as a bowler since i have been bowling for god damn long and still cannot overtake her. THIS, i can take it. no problem. it's true that i'm a lousy bowler, but as long as i know where i stand, i'm fine with it. i don't need her encouragement, her approval, her consent or her support in my bowling. i have already learnt to live without all that. i'm fine.
NOW, she nags on my passion i love most which is also bowling. i participated in this league organized by this friend of mine, it's a weekly thing and each time i'm selected to bowl, i would have to pay $16 for 4 games. that is reasonable. every where else charges the same. my team is not strong, but i'm just bowling for training and for my friends. and this is what she said :"don't spend so much money on this useless, cannot win game. $16 is not cheap and if you cannot win is like throwing money into the sea. we are tight with cash now and please try to save money since daddy is working hard to earn money. be more sensible a bit. you so old already. now every thing is so expensive!" guess what, you don't know how much blood has rushed into my brain and i feel like telling her that if she ever worried about money, she shouldnt be spending OUR money on jackpots. i'm fine with her playing mahjong since it's a luck thing and you are playing against humn. i'm fine with 4d because she always did her homework before betting. but JACKPOT?!?! you've got to be kidding me. and she lost from at least $150 to $'000 of dollars. and WHAT IS MY $16 COMPARED TO THAT?!?!?! not to mention that she frequents the jackpot room almost vey night for god knows how many years since I WAS YOUNG. seriously, i wonder if she ever knows what she's saying. half of the time, i know she KNEW what she's talking about. she just want to pick a fight on me.
if i were younger then, i would have shoot her with it and i forget about sleeping tonight. but now, i just need to blast my ipod and pretend not to hear a single nonsense she has spoken. it just makes my blood boils. fine. i can take it. no problem at all. i can take it all. if my dad can, i could too. i will make it through for this 2 months until my internship starts. and after that i'd better start my job hunting. i cannot stand staying at home, being together with her alone for long hours. it's torturing. i'd rather work till i drop dead. at least i know my efforts pay off.
i'm so pissed now. i really wish i could do something else now to distract myself from her. and i have decided that from tomorrow onwards, whether i can find anybody to study with me, i am going to do my self study anywhere but home. even my house downstairs i'm fine with it. and, i am not going to bother or ask my dad to pick me up or send me home. i have enough of her grumbling about the waiting time. even if i have to crawl, i'll crawl home. cash. is something i dont have since i dont save and i always give my allowance to my parents. but, somehow i will manage it until i get a job. this year. so it's only a few more months to bear. i know i can pull through.no problem.
i really want work.
many a times, when ever i overheard the girl, or any one of my friends complaining about their parents being so difficult here and there, and i always, without a fail, will encorage them to look on the bright side of it and try not to pick a fight or quarell with their dad or mom. just because i have many friends out there who has lost their parents to accidents, illness and some in the event of a divorced. and so, i always appreciate how fortunate i am to have both my dad and my mom with me. i really really really do. that said, they still get on my nerves some times. and that is frustrating to know.
SHE has always pick on every single thing that i do since young but also at the same time showered me with unlimited amount of love and concern. i know how she always stick up for me and stand by my side.i know it all. things got worst, when i entered the bowling arena. she's harder on me than anyone in the family. pushes me to my max and only when things start to collapse, she learnt to let it go. *although suicide did come into my mind several times, but i dont have the guts to do so* and so many times in my life, i always wonder, would it be better if i'm dead? i guess she would probably be sad, but after a while she would be all happy that i'm gone. that's what she said before, although i did bring it up to her and she deny saying that before. what can i say boy.
from young, i have developed this habit of not saying "no" to her. because i simply know what kind of consequences i will exepect after that. after a few tries, i gave up just because i was too tired to have an argument with her. i never win. and even if i did, she was the one who gave in, not because i really won. so i don't see a point. but having that said, there were times that her disapproval does make a point and save my ass from lots of trouble. so that i can appreciate. however there are still so many things in my life, even after i'm 21, she still rules it over me. but, i can tolerate it. no problem. just have to let it slide.
and so, from time to time, i am always thinking about ways and solutions to live peacefully with her. no fights. no arguments. at least throughout the year and the only conclusion i have is that i must have my own earning power and to not spend so much time at home alone, together with her. and from the past 2 years of my life, i have proven myself right. HE who spends more time with her for the past 2 years on my behalf since i'm always not around, has been into more arguments and fights with her more than i did. awesome isn't it? i found a scapegoat. *i really hate to put it this way, but that's the reality and it's cruel*
sigh. i resigned from my job some time around in feb this year and till now it's only 2 months and i have been ALMOST into an argument with her TWICE. can you imagine, it's only 2 months of me spending more time at home and i almost had 2 arguments with her?! i cannot imagine how to survive for the next 8 months of my life. i regretted quitting from my job. seriously i did. i'm now begging to god that some one just employ me now, in an instant. thank goodness i took up the internship offered by my school for 2 months starting in june. so from now till then, i will just use study as an excuse to leave house and not to be home. pathetic am i? i have a house i cannot go back to until nightfalls. what a shame.
honestly, i have no idea whether is she picking a fight with me on purpose. at first, she was all happy about this boy i just knew and is always cheerful when i'm out with him, however after she found out that he smokes, she became all wary and upset whenever i'm with him. for now, i can still take her attitude as long as she doesnt jumps over the line like what she did with the previous friends of mine, i'm fine. i can take that. next, she is still comparing me to this another bowler saying that i can NEVER EVER win her in my whole life and that i suck as a bowler since i have been bowling for god damn long and still cannot overtake her. THIS, i can take it. no problem. it's true that i'm a lousy bowler, but as long as i know where i stand, i'm fine with it. i don't need her encouragement, her approval, her consent or her support in my bowling. i have already learnt to live without all that. i'm fine.
NOW, she nags on my passion i love most which is also bowling. i participated in this league organized by this friend of mine, it's a weekly thing and each time i'm selected to bowl, i would have to pay $16 for 4 games. that is reasonable. every where else charges the same. my team is not strong, but i'm just bowling for training and for my friends. and this is what she said :"don't spend so much money on this useless, cannot win game. $16 is not cheap and if you cannot win is like throwing money into the sea. we are tight with cash now and please try to save money since daddy is working hard to earn money. be more sensible a bit. you so old already. now every thing is so expensive!" guess what, you don't know how much blood has rushed into my brain and i feel like telling her that if she ever worried about money, she shouldnt be spending OUR money on jackpots. i'm fine with her playing mahjong since it's a luck thing and you are playing against humn. i'm fine with 4d because she always did her homework before betting. but JACKPOT?!?! you've got to be kidding me. and she lost from at least $150 to $'000 of dollars. and WHAT IS MY $16 COMPARED TO THAT?!?!?! not to mention that she frequents the jackpot room almost vey night for god knows how many years since I WAS YOUNG. seriously, i wonder if she ever knows what she's saying. half of the time, i know she KNEW what she's talking about. she just want to pick a fight on me.
if i were younger then, i would have shoot her with it and i forget about sleeping tonight. but now, i just need to blast my ipod and pretend not to hear a single nonsense she has spoken. it just makes my blood boils. fine. i can take it. no problem at all. i can take it all. if my dad can, i could too. i will make it through for this 2 months until my internship starts. and after that i'd better start my job hunting. i cannot stand staying at home, being together with her alone for long hours. it's torturing. i'd rather work till i drop dead. at least i know my efforts pay off.
i'm so pissed now. i really wish i could do something else now to distract myself from her. and i have decided that from tomorrow onwards, whether i can find anybody to study with me, i am going to do my self study anywhere but home. even my house downstairs i'm fine with it. and, i am not going to bother or ask my dad to pick me up or send me home. i have enough of her grumbling about the waiting time. even if i have to crawl, i'll crawl home. cash. is something i dont have since i dont save and i always give my allowance to my parents. but, somehow i will manage it until i get a job. this year. so it's only a few more months to bear. i know i can pull through.no problem.
i really want work.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Emotions
Checked up on this girl and felt that she is not doing well at all. Something is bothering her and she seems to have some difficulty dealing with it. Girl, as long as you have made up your mind, dont regret it. life is simple, we make decisions and we dont look back. everything's gonna be alright. we're not perfect and that's perfectly normal. smile girl.
It is not wrong to want to feel wanted by someone important to you. it is our very human nature that made us to feel this way. checking on phone for messages and calls, missing him every now and then, and wishing that he was there with you... all these are normal. it is not because you're weak, dependent or stupid. is what any girl would have done. when they are in love.
It is definitely not too much to ask for a boy who would feels that you matters most in his life. this is the very basic requirement you can ever ask from a boy. and if he can't deliver that, he's not worth for you at all and that's because he doesn't love you much. Boys, will argue that each and every one of them has their own ways in expressing their love for the girl they like. but if you ever notice, at the end of the day, there are always a FEW THINGS that any boy would only do for the girl he really loves and wants to be with for as long as time permits. take your parents for example. there is a reason why with all the arguments and quarrells, they are still married to each other and not divorced.
You will be able to tell apart from those boys who are out to play and from those who seriously wants a life with you. and i know that, you probably knew that it is not quite possible for him to leave her after knowing so much about them. and this, is normal too. if he really can put her aside, he would have already done so long ago. no need to drag till now. their history is undeniable and for whatever reasons he may give, the fact that he has stayed with her for 4years proves that he has feelings for her. be it love or for atonement. he has it. and the truth is, he cant let it go.
truth hurts. it always does. but it brings you back to reality. lies on the other hand is like a delusion. a weak bubble to put around you that will burst easily. also, the most important in life is to be honest with yourself. what is it that you want? work towards your goals. if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, i can always lend you mine :) friends are there for a reason. so you're fighting alone at all.
stand tall. brace yourself. take a deep breath, and chest up! walk away confidently. show him that you are better off without him. happier and you can definitely move on and will take a big step at a time. this will pains your heart no doubt, but time as the best healing medicine ever, will numb it for you. widen your eyes, broaden your scope, find a better man. there is no need for you to cry to sleep anymore. you can do it because you are not alone.
Girl, you are stronger than you think you are. believe that since i am the one who said it. have faith and confidence.
tell him. that this love game is over. you are through and through with him. lay down your rules. be firm and that you know that it is the right thing to do. tell him. that he can have his ego all to himself. that you no need to be in his arms anymore. the tears you've cried, are no longer for him.
you did not lose him. is he who has lost you.
walk away, girl.
walk away with pride and dignity.
you deserve that much.
everything will be fine :) it's ok, you don't have to be afriad. the worst will be over soon.
It is not wrong to want to feel wanted by someone important to you. it is our very human nature that made us to feel this way. checking on phone for messages and calls, missing him every now and then, and wishing that he was there with you... all these are normal. it is not because you're weak, dependent or stupid. is what any girl would have done. when they are in love.
It is definitely not too much to ask for a boy who would feels that you matters most in his life. this is the very basic requirement you can ever ask from a boy. and if he can't deliver that, he's not worth for you at all and that's because he doesn't love you much. Boys, will argue that each and every one of them has their own ways in expressing their love for the girl they like. but if you ever notice, at the end of the day, there are always a FEW THINGS that any boy would only do for the girl he really loves and wants to be with for as long as time permits. take your parents for example. there is a reason why with all the arguments and quarrells, they are still married to each other and not divorced.
You will be able to tell apart from those boys who are out to play and from those who seriously wants a life with you. and i know that, you probably knew that it is not quite possible for him to leave her after knowing so much about them. and this, is normal too. if he really can put her aside, he would have already done so long ago. no need to drag till now. their history is undeniable and for whatever reasons he may give, the fact that he has stayed with her for 4years proves that he has feelings for her. be it love or for atonement. he has it. and the truth is, he cant let it go.
truth hurts. it always does. but it brings you back to reality. lies on the other hand is like a delusion. a weak bubble to put around you that will burst easily. also, the most important in life is to be honest with yourself. what is it that you want? work towards your goals. if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, i can always lend you mine :) friends are there for a reason. so you're fighting alone at all.
stand tall. brace yourself. take a deep breath, and chest up! walk away confidently. show him that you are better off without him. happier and you can definitely move on and will take a big step at a time. this will pains your heart no doubt, but time as the best healing medicine ever, will numb it for you. widen your eyes, broaden your scope, find a better man. there is no need for you to cry to sleep anymore. you can do it because you are not alone.
Girl, you are stronger than you think you are. believe that since i am the one who said it. have faith and confidence.
tell him. that this love game is over. you are through and through with him. lay down your rules. be firm and that you know that it is the right thing to do. tell him. that he can have his ego all to himself. that you no need to be in his arms anymore. the tears you've cried, are no longer for him.
you did not lose him. is he who has lost you.
walk away, girl.
walk away with pride and dignity.
you deserve that much.
everything will be fine :) it's ok, you don't have to be afriad. the worst will be over soon.
Dead Tired
24hrs bowling is total madness and i survived. yes, survived it all. i have no idea how i could manage to pull through without a wink of sleep in between and i was constantly hungry. my left arm aches because of holding my heavy bowling ball while getting ready to bowl, right forearm ache because of wii the day before and of course, bowling for 14games. my left tigh aches because of my balancing, my right hemstring hurts because of my power step. conclusion is: bowling is taking a toll on my body.
of course, a sequence of events have contributed to my aches such as roller blading on wednesday, ice skating on thursday and playing wii and mahjong on friday. do not underestimate the power of wii. my arm aches because of that. we played rrr1 and rrr2. we're gonna conquer rrr3 the next round. although we may look stupid, again.
although bowling is tiring, it's fun and of course the company of friends made it possible for me to deal with it. with constant cheering, laughter and jokes, we are always on the ball. we came in fifth out of all the strong teams out there. it is hard to name it all so i would just name the main characters on the team, the first was jennifer's team, second bronscon's team, third uncle jack's team, fourth patrick phua's team and mine on the fifth. so, it is an awesome team that we came in 5th out of 30 teams.
we bowled 48 games for qualifying. from 9am to 4pm. fast ain't we? then 72 games from 9pm to 8am. in between from 4pm to 9pm, we played l4d2, eat dinner, gelare ice cream and talk cock. as for me, i read my twiling book. edward is still as charming as he is. how i wish my boyfriend is him. anyway, end of report, off tagging photos on fb. ttyl.
of course, a sequence of events have contributed to my aches such as roller blading on wednesday, ice skating on thursday and playing wii and mahjong on friday. do not underestimate the power of wii. my arm aches because of that. we played rrr1 and rrr2. we're gonna conquer rrr3 the next round. although we may look stupid, again.
although bowling is tiring, it's fun and of course the company of friends made it possible for me to deal with it. with constant cheering, laughter and jokes, we are always on the ball. we came in fifth out of all the strong teams out there. it is hard to name it all so i would just name the main characters on the team, the first was jennifer's team, second bronscon's team, third uncle jack's team, fourth patrick phua's team and mine on the fifth. so, it is an awesome team that we came in 5th out of 30 teams.
we bowled 48 games for qualifying. from 9am to 4pm. fast ain't we? then 72 games from 9pm to 8am. in between from 4pm to 9pm, we played l4d2, eat dinner, gelare ice cream and talk cock. as for me, i read my twiling book. edward is still as charming as he is. how i wish my boyfriend is him. anyway, end of report, off tagging photos on fb. ttyl.
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Impossibles
Finally after 23 years of my life, i've stepped into an ice skating ring and ice skate with Foo and Sim. Awesome friends i have. Sim as pro as she's roller blades, get the hang of skating pretty fast. as for me and foo, we took a while but gradually we are able to skate across the ring and we now know, how fun ice skating can be :) Tham, i will definitely bring u along with me next time and we will make it fun too...
This little girl called me from so far away from our homeland. at first i thought it was some stupid china agencies calling me so i hung up on you, sorry girl, i don't mean it. i'm glad u called. at least u had someone to talk to, i may be busy, but please remember, i will always be there for you because i know how hard it can be to be fighting alone this seemingly long and tiring battle. what can i say? i'm in a similiar situation, but i think i can handle it, alright. don't worry dear, you have my back!
Girl, sometimes learning to give up is not a bad thing. in order to gain something new, we have to let go of something old. like i've said, love can sometimes be like magic, and magic can sometimes be illusional. there's no doubt that you will be heartbroken and all your wounds will open up. but that's part and parcel of this whole damn thing. and that is exactly what makes us stronger. just like you, i'm tired of this whole thing as well. what can i say? it is a battle not worth fighting for. it is high risk and low/no returns.
Having said all that, running away is definitely not the best solution. facing it is hard, but if that's where u fell, you would need to pick yourself up from there. problems are bound to happen, and we need to know how to deal with it, so we can prevent it the next time. saying is easier than getting it done. girl, i know this better than anyone. but it's not impossible as long as you tell yourself so. positive thinking is what set everything on the move. try to understand more about him, before u pass your judgement on this relationship. words, may seem to be what it is, but trust me, the power words have, is undeniable. when things are spoken, you feel so much better.
I seriously don't like the way he treats you. it is like he is having all the joy to himself and you girls have to fight over him and he, sitting on the sideline, enjoying this drama. look, if he has already made up his mind on you, put it into action. if not, it is the same as playing around. and girl, if he is doing that, i think you deserve some one better. you don't need to go through this for him. he may be one of the good catch, but good on the outside won't last long, it is what is in the inside that makes it worthwhile. of course, the looks play a somewhat important part in the evaluation process :)
So girl, think about it. if this is really taking a toll on you, why not just let it go. you may be surprised that you will find it easier to breathe after letting it go. it starts with your mind. if you want a change, everything starts with you. i'll always be here. love you always.
This little girl called me from so far away from our homeland. at first i thought it was some stupid china agencies calling me so i hung up on you, sorry girl, i don't mean it. i'm glad u called. at least u had someone to talk to, i may be busy, but please remember, i will always be there for you because i know how hard it can be to be fighting alone this seemingly long and tiring battle. what can i say? i'm in a similiar situation, but i think i can handle it, alright. don't worry dear, you have my back!
Girl, sometimes learning to give up is not a bad thing. in order to gain something new, we have to let go of something old. like i've said, love can sometimes be like magic, and magic can sometimes be illusional. there's no doubt that you will be heartbroken and all your wounds will open up. but that's part and parcel of this whole damn thing. and that is exactly what makes us stronger. just like you, i'm tired of this whole thing as well. what can i say? it is a battle not worth fighting for. it is high risk and low/no returns.
Having said all that, running away is definitely not the best solution. facing it is hard, but if that's where u fell, you would need to pick yourself up from there. problems are bound to happen, and we need to know how to deal with it, so we can prevent it the next time. saying is easier than getting it done. girl, i know this better than anyone. but it's not impossible as long as you tell yourself so. positive thinking is what set everything on the move. try to understand more about him, before u pass your judgement on this relationship. words, may seem to be what it is, but trust me, the power words have, is undeniable. when things are spoken, you feel so much better.
I seriously don't like the way he treats you. it is like he is having all the joy to himself and you girls have to fight over him and he, sitting on the sideline, enjoying this drama. look, if he has already made up his mind on you, put it into action. if not, it is the same as playing around. and girl, if he is doing that, i think you deserve some one better. you don't need to go through this for him. he may be one of the good catch, but good on the outside won't last long, it is what is in the inside that makes it worthwhile. of course, the looks play a somewhat important part in the evaluation process :)
So girl, think about it. if this is really taking a toll on you, why not just let it go. you may be surprised that you will find it easier to breathe after letting it go. it starts with your mind. if you want a change, everything starts with you. i'll always be here. love you always.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
There It Goes Again
Let me recall, when was the last time i studied? oh it's last Friday at Chinese Swimming Club, study room, waiting to bowl with Clement and Gerard, to practice for Saturday TP Alumni Bowling Competition. Yes, and it stops there. Saturday.Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. and even Wednesday. I did not even touch my books once. Not once. What makes it worst is that I skipped my morning classes on Monday and Tuesday. Shoot me now. Someone. Just pull the trigger.
For the first time after so long, I'm starting to feel anxious about my studies and I will lock these feelings tight in my heart to remind me that I am playing to my heart's content now, and I will also slought for the remaining days I have till exams approach. I play hard, but will study harder to make up for all the time lost. These feelings, are signs of guilty. Guilty that I have been playing and slacking so much that now when thinking back, felt that I have wasted my life away just like that. Reality sits in pretty fast and I'm starting to feel that now. So much now. What have I been doing the past few days. Oh Gosh!
You know, I am going to set some very strict rules on myself after this week ends. Since I have not more than 6 weeks left to study for my exams and my time is running short:
1. I will ONLY use my computer on weekends.
2. To sleep before 12midnight if i have morning classes the next day.
3. Self discipline. baby. self discipline.
4. Concentrate and Focus.
5. Everytime I feel like doing something, think about how much time i've wasted.
6. Supper is fine :)
Alright, with these i'm going to abide to this starting Thursday. I will want to keep my word and study hard so that I will not disappoint my parents. And for some reason, I don't feel as trapped as I use to feel. The power of words, now that i finally understand how words, can move people and steer their directions. I realised that I cannot underestimate the power words can hold. I think it can even move a moutain. and some, it moves my heart and determination.
A series of event that happens recently, triggered me to wake up from my slumber and to see the real world. and never did i expected that i will find back myself through such an unexpected encounter. I always thought that bowling was my comfort zone that brings me back to who i am. I'm not wrong, it just that bowling is only an avenue for me to numb myself in a place i'm familiar with and to take my mind of from other distractions. My bowling friends are there to lengthen the time to get distracted from my distractions.
But now, in order to find myself back. my mindset about my own life. the path that i want to take. the things that i'm willing to sacrifice for. the consequences that i've prepared myself with and feeling to be alone and strong, I've found everything from animes. unexpected isn't it? i have thought so myself too. I was watching some animes and remembered my intial promises i have made to myself. my determination on certain issues and my resolution on so many things. slowly, like pieces of my memory that starts to fall in place, comes back to me. and now, i think i am capable to, once again, deal with this loneliness. i have been dealing with that for so long that when someone happens to step in, i have opened up too much and it became a habit that i must have someone with me. to listen to my woes, happiness and unrelated issues. or even to spend time with.
I think i am ready to set off on my own once again. since i have been through so many times of this and experience really is accumulating, I can handle this. It is just the matter of going back to where I have stopped and move on from there. My mistake this time round is, i guarded myself too much and always reject my own feelings. when i learn to accept it, the burden gets lighter each time. and slowly, just like this, feeling so tired to fight it you became immune to it.
Studies.
For the first time after so long, I'm starting to feel anxious about my studies and I will lock these feelings tight in my heart to remind me that I am playing to my heart's content now, and I will also slought for the remaining days I have till exams approach. I play hard, but will study harder to make up for all the time lost. These feelings, are signs of guilty. Guilty that I have been playing and slacking so much that now when thinking back, felt that I have wasted my life away just like that. Reality sits in pretty fast and I'm starting to feel that now. So much now. What have I been doing the past few days. Oh Gosh!
You know, I am going to set some very strict rules on myself after this week ends. Since I have not more than 6 weeks left to study for my exams and my time is running short:
1. I will ONLY use my computer on weekends.
2. To sleep before 12midnight if i have morning classes the next day.
3. Self discipline. baby. self discipline.
4. Concentrate and Focus.
5. Everytime I feel like doing something, think about how much time i've wasted.
6. Supper is fine :)
Alright, with these i'm going to abide to this starting Thursday. I will want to keep my word and study hard so that I will not disappoint my parents. And for some reason, I don't feel as trapped as I use to feel. The power of words, now that i finally understand how words, can move people and steer their directions. I realised that I cannot underestimate the power words can hold. I think it can even move a moutain. and some, it moves my heart and determination.
A series of event that happens recently, triggered me to wake up from my slumber and to see the real world. and never did i expected that i will find back myself through such an unexpected encounter. I always thought that bowling was my comfort zone that brings me back to who i am. I'm not wrong, it just that bowling is only an avenue for me to numb myself in a place i'm familiar with and to take my mind of from other distractions. My bowling friends are there to lengthen the time to get distracted from my distractions.
But now, in order to find myself back. my mindset about my own life. the path that i want to take. the things that i'm willing to sacrifice for. the consequences that i've prepared myself with and feeling to be alone and strong, I've found everything from animes. unexpected isn't it? i have thought so myself too. I was watching some animes and remembered my intial promises i have made to myself. my determination on certain issues and my resolution on so many things. slowly, like pieces of my memory that starts to fall in place, comes back to me. and now, i think i am capable to, once again, deal with this loneliness. i have been dealing with that for so long that when someone happens to step in, i have opened up too much and it became a habit that i must have someone with me. to listen to my woes, happiness and unrelated issues. or even to spend time with.
I think i am ready to set off on my own once again. since i have been through so many times of this and experience really is accumulating, I can handle this. It is just the matter of going back to where I have stopped and move on from there. My mistake this time round is, i guarded myself too much and always reject my own feelings. when i learn to accept it, the burden gets lighter each time. and slowly, just like this, feeling so tired to fight it you became immune to it.
Studies.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
You Know You Know
Just yesterday, i've experienced some funny moments with Sim May Lou and Siewmei. We were waiting for the lift in school after about 5hours of study and we're heading out for dinner. The lift didn't take too long and when it came, there was one middle-aged woman inside, i walked in first followed by Siewmei and guess what, the lady didn't see Maylou and closed the door right IN FRONT of her face. Everything just happened in not more than 10secs, i guess. Both Siewmei and I were too late to response to help her. lol. thank goodness Maylou's nose is still intact. You can't imagine how funny it was. Of all people, to close the door on Maylou, is something we've never thought it would happen.
and just today, Maylou has learnt her lesson and she has decided to be the first to walk in to the lift :) anyway, we weren't productive today. procrastinated and slept most of the time. in the end, we decided to end our day earlier than usual. we sat and talked over dinner about many things that we've always wanted to do but has never come true. and for each other, we have decided to skip classes the following and have some girl's outing :) awesome!
we decided that we would go roller blading, and then dinner at bedok 85 (see us whack all the food!) and then spent the night over at my place to mahjong! **we will be playing small coz me and Siewmei believe in beginners' luck** and we will also skip class the next day and go either swimming, movie, ice skate, sing k or shopping around the east area.
i am looking forward to that. since we have plan in advance, i hope nothing goes wrong for that day. like no rain, no mensus, no last min appointments or anything. hope that whoever is up there will be nice to us on that day. CAMERA will be in action too!
and just today, Maylou has learnt her lesson and she has decided to be the first to walk in to the lift :) anyway, we weren't productive today. procrastinated and slept most of the time. in the end, we decided to end our day earlier than usual. we sat and talked over dinner about many things that we've always wanted to do but has never come true. and for each other, we have decided to skip classes the following and have some girl's outing :) awesome!
we decided that we would go roller blading, and then dinner at bedok 85 (see us whack all the food!) and then spent the night over at my place to mahjong! **we will be playing small coz me and Siewmei believe in beginners' luck** and we will also skip class the next day and go either swimming, movie, ice skate, sing k or shopping around the east area.
i am looking forward to that. since we have plan in advance, i hope nothing goes wrong for that day. like no rain, no mensus, no last min appointments or anything. hope that whoever is up there will be nice to us on that day. CAMERA will be in action too!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
According to...
Someone told me something. and it felt like some one has just squeezed my heart so tight that it seems so hard to breathe. i choked on my own words as i tried to speak. and at this point of time that i know that my conscience is slowly killing me from the inside.
I'm trying. trying my best to piece things up to its original state. to bring everything back to where it supposed to be. don't misunderstand. i'm not acting to be strong or to be benevolent. perhaps it is in my nature to handle things this way. i'm not as harsh and tough as how i always speak, in fact i always use the soft approach to end things. that is all because, i know how soft my heart can be at crucial times. i'm tired of denying that and is learning to accept that fact.
All i need is to have someone, anyone, to assure me that my decisions are not wrong. and that i'm right. that is, this is the right thing to do. i need some confirmation that no matter what feeling i may have, i need to make the correct decisions for the benefit of everyone in the long run. i need affirmation that this is where things should be heading towards to. There is already no other alternatives.
i'm cornered.
I'm trying. trying my best to piece things up to its original state. to bring everything back to where it supposed to be. don't misunderstand. i'm not acting to be strong or to be benevolent. perhaps it is in my nature to handle things this way. i'm not as harsh and tough as how i always speak, in fact i always use the soft approach to end things. that is all because, i know how soft my heart can be at crucial times. i'm tired of denying that and is learning to accept that fact.
All i need is to have someone, anyone, to assure me that my decisions are not wrong. and that i'm right. that is, this is the right thing to do. i need some confirmation that no matter what feeling i may have, i need to make the correct decisions for the benefit of everyone in the long run. i need affirmation that this is where things should be heading towards to. There is already no other alternatives.
i'm cornered.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
N They Say
women can be silly sometimes, don't they? after going through all the hurt, in the end, we still choose to forgive and love again. our human heart can be so fragile, yet sometimes seems to strong. isn't this amazing? i bet.
i'm so tired of talking about my current thoughts, situations and my plans. so tired of it all. the answers that i always get, is always the same. and deep down, somewhere in my heart, i knew it all along that, that has to be the ending for it. and speaking about giving it more options, i wonder if there is really an alternative to it.
i hoped that someone can just tell me frankly, tell me that i'm stupid enough to get caught in all these and it is time for me to wake up my idea. i need my wake up call. where is it? well, i hope that things will work out eventually. but meanwhile, i'm still considering whether should i give it a fight?
my conclusion is still, i'm dumb. the only thing that i don't have that makes it perfect is to be a blond.
i'm so tired of talking about my current thoughts, situations and my plans. so tired of it all. the answers that i always get, is always the same. and deep down, somewhere in my heart, i knew it all along that, that has to be the ending for it. and speaking about giving it more options, i wonder if there is really an alternative to it.
i hoped that someone can just tell me frankly, tell me that i'm stupid enough to get caught in all these and it is time for me to wake up my idea. i need my wake up call. where is it? well, i hope that things will work out eventually. but meanwhile, i'm still considering whether should i give it a fight?
my conclusion is still, i'm dumb. the only thing that i don't have that makes it perfect is to be a blond.
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