Secret World

For what you are made of

2010-06-19T06:44:00.004+08:00

I have been inactive online for quite some time and that is because i am enjoying to my heart's content my 2 weeks holiday before i start work again this monday. Read the girl's blog and somehow it seems to me that she is facing another problem. Girl, i'm sure that you have noticed this yourself but it seems that you always happen to be at the extreme ends of this relationship. either you're always too happy and cheerful to the point that you would probably marry him or too distracted and frustrated to the point of cutting him off from your life forever.

Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must prepared for changes. Girl, this whole thing is taking a toll on you and perhaps it is really time to put a stop to it before it gets you deeper and then you will feel even more lost than usual. and because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. and you will need to take the first step to make a change so that you could move on with your life.

You will be surprise with how much human can adapt to the changes in the surrounding with the help of time. it's a habit to have the boy around you, its not lonely with the boy around you and you have adapted to it because the boy is around you. WAIT! stop and think, you did have your share of fun now, but you also had your share of laughter in the past when that boy was not around.

Managing a relationship is not easy but it's not supposed to be that tough too. I know you're feeling guilty and all, and all along you are aware of that but at the same time, you are trying to shove that thought deep down somewhere in your memory each time you are with the boy, with every assurance he can give you. but you know, at the end of the day, that boy, whom you have given everything to him, did not choose definitely to be with you.

Women as we are, are easily fooled by sweet words, empty promises, obvious lies and irresistible body gestures. One word can ease your doubts, one promises can give you happiness that would last for a lifetime and one hug could sweep away all your saddness. However, if those are not true, the setback will be harder to bear. and women as we are, we always accept it and hope that time would heal those wounds. That is very silly.

Fairytales does not exist but happiness is something we fight to achieve. The definition defers from individuals so Girl, know what makes you happy the most. not those sweet moments of pretend from that boy but the genuine moments of happiness where you could really feel that he cares. Trust me, you deserve better than this. have a little more faith in yourself.

Love is a smoke made with fume of sighs. it can be magical at times, but magic itself is an illusion.

Know what's best for yourself. Be not afriad to try and fail. Be afriad of failing to try :)

Dance In The Rain

2010-06-02T03:39:00.002+08:00

Babe, seems like everything is doing good now between you and the boy and you don't wanna jinx it by talking about it, so i will do so too :) all the best but you do know it's going to be a rocky relationship. in which ever way, persevere k >.<

Having more time in hand makes me wanna do more things. i have the urge to take up jap lessons, so anyone interested in joining me? i also have the urge to do archery. not too sure why. but the possibility of me being influenced by mangas and animes for that is absolutely high. you know cool those characters play the archery. omg. they look so man can....omg. why didnt i do archery in the past. argh, nevermind :) at least i did rock climbing before. cheers.

Just packed my room today and i found a ring that pilot gave to me long ago. somehow i started thinking back to those time we spent together. as usual, i really wonder how would it be like if i really were to get together with him. at the same time, i tried to recall why did i push him away back then. check up on facebook but it seems like he's not been active lately so the pictures are still the same as i last viewed several months back. you know how sometimes, it just got you thinking. i wonder if back then, if he would really persevered and stayed on, would i hand my heart to him fully? well, there's a possibility that may happen. afterall, he's courting me all the way back to when we were in secondary school. it has been 10 years since then. time flies.

you know how i used to ponder why would he be so insistent on our relationship. i'm always wondering if he really loves me for real and if it is really that case, how could he just left after all those that he had promised me. although we never really started, it is true that he indeed has given me his promises. where are they now? so talk is really cheap isn't it? i dont want to talk about him. i just feel so tired since it has always been the same old thing over and over again. and as i talked about pilot, woodblock would surface for some very strange reasons god knows why.

woodblock was my ideal man but he didnt have that feelings for me despite i thought he did. apparently i made a mistake but he was really thoughtful and thus sweet in his very own ways. all his little gestures can make me smile even now. it seems that what he did and what happened still remains so vivid and it was really funny when i think back. i regretted to taking the chance to ask at the night. he is still me ideal man though and after a long consideration, i have decided to use him as my benchmark later for any guys who happens to appear in my life.

after typing so much. i'm starting to miss woodblock a bit :)

Life Still Goes On

2010-05-25T23:42:00.002+08:00

Read your blog and somehow it just got me thinking again. and as u can see, i may not be able to be there for you when u really do need me so here i am, once again, posting my thoughts so that it would be able to set u thinking like how your posts set mine :)

Babe, life is not always blissful like those u see in FAIRYTALES (it's not WaltDisney's fault) and sometimes we just have to learn how to deal with it. Experience is not what happens to a you but it is what you do with what happens to you that you gain those experiences. I know your shittiest moments of your life and you've been through that. Friends only happens to be in your way when you're falling and though we had our arguments and disagreements, you know deep down we will always be there to catch your fall :)

It's alright to make wrong decisions in life. Everyone does as long as it is not too sinful that it is irreversible. things still move on and life still goes on. Not everyone found their perfect love on first attempt and trust me enough, those "happily ever after" couples out there, they have been through their ups and downs in their relationship but the main difference between us and them is that they managed to get through and we didn't. But it's alright. that's part and parcel of our life and we learn and grow from it. It's really alright babe, don't be so hard on yourself :)

it's not wrong to want attention from the boy u loved so deeply. who doesn't? and i came upon this friend's fb status that says "don't believe him coming back saying that he misses you so badly and stuff, remember, he didnt' chooose you" and you know, this got me thinking again (although for a different reason) but somehow, that phrase is so true. i can't deny that. babe, did he really choose you over her?

I understand that she has formed a chapter in his life and that is not possible to erase it off. you knew that and you accept it all. you're childish; that's not new. everyone around you knows that. but think about it, if the both of you can't get through this ordeal, it just shows how much love both of you have put into this relationship. It is not a matter of who loves who more, because that can never be measured distinctively on a scale.

I told you before, you need to take caution when it comes to love and you said it yourself that no one is there to protect your own heart. i know it is not easy to be in a relationship with someone. it takes two person of two different personality to be together. try it out any math equation and you know there won't be any answers to that. It takes more than what you think to get this relationship going, dear. If you're childish, then you just have to be more mature. Believe me, i know how much you've matured from the day you left to Aussie till i saw you last November and i told you that its not enough but there's room for improvement. and true enough, maturity doesn't comes overnight but over the years. Babe, if you have already done you part in this relationship and nothing seems to work, life would be much easier to move on. don't worry, you didnt lose the game. don't let your pride gets in your way.

This whole shit thing is getting a toll on you. probably its telling you to start look at things from a different perspective. see things from different angle. Babe, i'm not there with you in Aussie so i can't tell if what the boy is doing is for real or not. you have to learn to judge them youself. you know how acute your sixth senses are so don't doubt them. look before you leap. that's your main weak point. you hand over your heart too soon. i don't want you to be like me, because at this point of my life, i simply just lose faith in love. i don't believe in that now and i have found other goals in my life to pursue for. but babe, you still have faith in them don't you? give it a last chance and determine for youself what's best. only you know what you want best and you know yourself better than anyone out there does.

trust yourself dear. believe in your inner voice. have faith in it. don't deny yourself anymore. take the first step to listen to what your heart has to say and stay with it till the end. at least you know you've tried and so you would have come to an easy term in accepting what ever outcome it may be. At this point, there really isn't a right or wrong answer.

follow your heart because only from your heart you get the most honest answer.

Whatever That Is Left

2010-05-22T23:54:00.003+08:00

2 papers down and 2 more to go...omg, i'm dreading the days till my last paper and i really really wanna to just hurry up and get it over and done with! I HAD ENOUGH OF BOOKS....and guess what i just realised that i only read twilight until book 2....i wanna continue with my edward!!!! i'm comtemplating whether should i buy that book, but u know it's not very smart of me to invest in that coz it's damn ex. probably i'll just put that as one of my "wish list" to have to collect the 4 books. i really think that it's a great series...so any kind hearted souls out there is willing to buy the twilight series for me?!?!?!?!

anyway, back to question. so why am i here blogging when i have a paper on tuesday and another on thursday? the answer is simple. I'm sick of studying. argh, u know what JUST SCREW IT...but but but, i need my degree -.- alright, back to square one...i need to study.

and you know , it's not nice to last min hug the buddha leg because u don't know it if would work and most of the time the results will tell u that u're plain lucky to have SCRAPE through...i know and by the way, did i spell that correctly?! er, i hope i did. i have been making TOO MANY mistakes lately and i really really don't wanna make any more STUPID mistakes...

oh boy....this is giving me hell lot of stress and i need my massage and facial...and i want my FUN! play play play..ice skating with the girls again on the 31st!!!!!!! YEA!!!!!! and dun worry steffi, when you're back i'll make sure that i'll get ah foo and ah sim to go ice skating with us :) and i suddenly wanna go watch movie so steffi, pls hurry and come back so we could go out for movies soon!!!! i need to wait till november -.- u sure have the guts to make me wait so long...but what to do...i'm used to it already. what's worst than u not picking up your phone?! anyway, i seem to have this habit these days tooo...ah foo and ah sim is complaining about me not answering my phone..but u see, my phone is er....a bit tooo high tech so yea.... :) smiles.

and i think i'd better get back to my books....
it's calling out for me...
27th MAY. I'M WAITING. it would be the pivoting point!!!!!!

2010-05-19T01:42:00.001+08:00

i think i should start blogging in japanese :)

My Disappointment

2010-05-18T22:53:00.002+08:00

i just took my first paper today and i am utterly disappointed with myself. i knew i could do better and to be even more prepared than this for i have all the time i needed but in the end, i went in to the exam hall with a half-assed attitude and attempt the paper just like that.

ellena, samantha and shermaine, they all seemed to be so well-prepared and they know their answers well. that's depressing. we all started studying at the same time and here i am procrastinating half the time and did nothing efficient and now here i am again, worried if i would get through with this. and if dont, i know i have myself to blame. i had the time in the world to study, but what was i doing? i have no idea. i thought i already studied hard enough, but it seems like i didnt do it the right way. i was distracted. so many times. and now, i'm facing the music.

lyou know, at this point, i really really hated myself for this. i really really do. it's not like i'm disappointed because i can't get a distinction or something. i am disappointed because if i fail, this paper, i deserve it. and you know what, i have another 3 more papers coming up and i'm really really depressed to think that i have so much to cover. just kill me for real now.

i'm having a massive headache because of my mensus and i cant seem to have mood for anything. i dun feel like doing anything but studying now. really i do. i'm lazy to eat as well. why am i like this? i have no idea what happened to me. all i know is, i hate the "me" now.

MANGA!

2010-05-15T02:20:00.001+08:00

SEISEI SURUHODO, AISHITERU

Seconds Ticking By

2010-05-13T02:43:00.002+08:00

going into the last week of my preparations for my coming exams and to be honest, i really have no idea how much i've studied but i'm just going to keep giving my all and pray for the best. recently, i have just gotten a letter from my school to notify me of my attachment and i'm gald that i'm going to be attached to earnst and young :) but first i've got to pass the interview first. omg, whoever's up there, pls watch over me >.<

after a crazy month in april, things are slowly setting in and i'm starting to get settled down. back to the way i was before. back to the life i used to have. things are going as i how i foresaw it would be. and maybe because i predicted most of what happened, i'm able to deal with it much better. of coz, there is a part of it that without you guys whom i cannot do without. my friends. and so once i again i realised how important a role friend's play. they just manage to withstand all your nonsense. i mean, my nonsense. all my insecuritites and uneasiness, they can just sweep it off me. and for this, i'm once again not afriad of being alone.

and this new friend that i've made a few weeks back, he's from my current school and we had a couple of similiar modules. he's always curious about what's my opinion and he asked to share some part of my life with him. funny guy isn't he? but knowing me, once i start talking about bowling, about my life, the pilot and my other friends, i just get so carried away. and he just listens, laughs and just like me, he also cannot stop talking. and that's how we digress and didn't study much. oh boy.

talking to him made me realised some things that i have forgotten about in my life and with that, i have decided a few things that i have to do. i'm glad i've found them back. this is a new era. a new generation. and i know there will be more changes to come. i will stick it through. and some how, recently, woodblock just came into my mind :)

and when thinking about woodblock, there's always a smile across my face. i wonder why. it's always after all the ups and downs, then i'll think about woodblock. all the funny things woodblock would do which still stays so vivid in my mind. unlike the others, i forget them easily and even i could recall, it's only bits and pieces of it. for woodblock, everything stays so clear. i hate to say this, but i'm missing him a bit here. lol. of course, as a friend :) he never fails to humour me in the most unexpected way. hahaha. omg, i feel so old once again. i wish i could turn back the hands of time to those moments when i was with woodblock and probably he was the first person i could be with with an ease in mind. i dont talk about him to others. only you know. i should stick to my own belief. *smiles*

alright, better head off to study. when it rains, i just think about woodblock. what a gentle guy he is.

Fairytale

2010-05-02T04:16:00.002+08:00

Distraction, is probably something i would need right now. i want to distract myself from distraction. just like the "pink elephant theory". well, it just shows that i really did learn something from my coaches afterall. as well as the "donkey theory".

I am really progressing at an excruciatingly slow pace for my revision for exams. i wonder why. sometimes, people can be so contradicting and i think that is what makes us, human. something so interesting. did a little of self assessment and pull out my strengths and weaknesses. and i just know how much it hurts sometimes, to know the truth. i have long learnt to accept it.

made a mistake. stumbled upon my fall. all is my bad. i know. i don't need anyone to tell me. there is no need to at the first place. since i already knew i was at fault too. just when i really needed someone to be there, friends never fail to leave my side. i appreciate it. though they may not know what happened, and i really don't want to talk about it all over again, nevertheless, they are always there for me. to cushion my fall. i have nothing to say.

on the spur of moment, i tried to do something and i hope i wasn't too late. the good thing is there are very little promises so the back fire is manageable. the bad thing is to fix what has been broken. that said, there's nothing to worry about. i know i'll ride it out eventually. because that is what makes me who i am.

it's hard to sleep at night. but a little wine would do the job. it's healthy and it serves it purpose. i need to steer my direction and my attention to my books. at times like this, time really seems so slow. ticking by seconds and every passing minutes, it's a dread. music would be my accompanion now. i wish i had attended guitar courses. random.

i want to sleep.
need to study tomorrow.
i need my rest too.

Where The Sun Don't Shine

2010-05-01T00:05:00.002+08:00

Jokes. somehow will lighten up your mood and make you smile and laugh from the bottom of your heart. i had a taste of it today with 2 amazingly comical study mates. they synchronise quite well with each other and, that is really surprising because they only met each other today for the first time. what a good rapport they have :)

That said, we were counting down to the number of days we have left till we have to sit for our first paper. Sad to say, the figures aren't very encouraging at the moment. stressed. and that's probably the reason to my frequent headaches these days. headaches make me feel sleepy even more.

Monday. is a day i would look forward to cause i will be having an awesome facial session with a not very awesome >.< but amusing buddy. I really can't wait to finish my exams and go on a short trip with the 2 girls. it was supposed to be last year, but we were too busy with our own things so this time round, we have make our dream come true. if possible, i would love to have steffi to join us since we will have even more fun.

i'm tired.
just blogging for the sake of blogging.

Er....

2010-04-25T05:38:00.002+08:00

Here i am, awake at such an unearthly hour; 5.38am on a Sunday morning. that said, i am feeling sleepy all of a sudden. i'll probably just crawl back to bed and have another good night rest.

my exams, in another 3 weeks time and still counting down. i am really freaking out but i just don't have the time to blog. i'm hardly on facebook and i missed my animes too. sigh. i want to study hard and score well for exams. i really want but i really don't know if i really did study every god damn thing that i need to study.

i feel so guilty spending my time here blogging and nua-ing some where in the house. it feels like i have simply wasted my precious time.

come on. just 3 weeks. focus.

Letter

2010-04-16T00:23:00.003+08:00

Dear Girl,

I have no idea what had happened in Aussie with that boy, but i hope that you would be alright and everything will be fine. I will and I am looking forward to seeing you again when you comes back in November, and we will have all our fun :) This I promise to you! Ice Skating, Wild Wild Wet and maybe Universal Studio and whatever crazy things we both can do together. So for now, don't be sad.

I know it is gonna be hard, but that's there is to it. You have already been through the worst, so what is all this now?! No worries, you will get over this and be all yourself again. That cheerful and funny girl whom I have always known. Be happy. You deserve that much for yourself, girl. You had enough. It is time.

It is inevitable that you would be heart broken and all your scars would be open up. I also know that you will not be the kind of girl who would do whatever it takes to grab that boy by force. Because everything is just going to be temporary and since you have been in that other person's shoes before, you knew even better, how much it hurts for all parties.

Deep down, somewhere in your heart, I believed that you already knew right from the start that this whole thing ain't gonna work out rght. There will be temptation and that boy, is the main distraction of all. He would make you reconsider your decisions and will do anything to keep you by his side, at least for now. But,when he does all this, you too, know that when the time comes, he would gently put you aside and return back to where she is and coax her the way he did to you.

It's normal to feel jealous since we are all human. We have emotions and feelings. Girl, something we learnt from bowling; emotions control motion. So Girl, if you can control you emotions better, you would be able to make better decisions and do the things that you THINK it is right. Knowing you, would have considered her feelings into the equation and come out with the answer. It's alright.

Time. The best medicine ever for your broken heart. Girl, don't rush to heal your wound. It really takes time to get use to being alone again, doing the things that you used to do before the boy steps in. Life is going to feel boring once again, but at the same time, you would discover so many other things that you've once never thought of it before.

I don't have a recipe for your broken heart. I don't have any magic spells to help you forget your memories. Neither do I have any medicine to make things any better for you. The only thing I can give is advice and support. It is all up to you on how you want to end things with the boy. It is the path that you choose.

Seriously, if things cannot be the way you want it to be, then being friends would always be a better option. If you were to ask me, I would rather not be friends at all. Since you have been hurt, there is no point in staying around him and remind you of all the things you try not to remember. It is difficult to put up a facade to be friends and pretent that nothing happened and continue to smile. If you ask me, I can't do that. We are human Girl, there is no way you could ever do that in an instant. If it's over a long long time, then that makes perfect sense. But not now.

Be strong. Smile. Stay happy. Take care and be confident.

It is always better to walk away with grace.
The least you could salvage is your pride and dignity.

Regards,
Loves :)

After so many years....

2010-04-07T23:38:00.003+08:00

to be real honest, i am not feeling extremely well recently. not in the mental aspect since i'm perfectly healthy, it's on the emotional aspects. i am disturbed by so many things happening around me. like so many things.

many a times, when ever i overheard the girl, or any one of my friends complaining about their parents being so difficult here and there, and i always, without a fail, will encorage them to look on the bright side of it and try not to pick a fight or quarell with their dad or mom. just because i have many friends out there who has lost their parents to accidents, illness and some in the event of a divorced. and so, i always appreciate how fortunate i am to have both my dad and my mom with me. i really really really do. that said, they still get on my nerves some times. and that is frustrating to know.

SHE has always pick on every single thing that i do since young but also at the same time showered me with unlimited amount of love and concern. i know how she always stick up for me and stand by my side.i know it all. things got worst, when i entered the bowling arena. she's harder on me than anyone in the family. pushes me to my max and only when things start to collapse, she learnt to let it go. *although suicide did come into my mind several times, but i dont have the guts to do so* and so many times in my life, i always wonder, would it be better if i'm dead? i guess she would probably be sad, but after a while she would be all happy that i'm gone. that's what she said before, although i did bring it up to her and she deny saying that before. what can i say boy.

from young, i have developed this habit of not saying "no" to her. because i simply know what kind of consequences i will exepect after that. after a few tries, i gave up just because i was too tired to have an argument with her. i never win. and even if i did, she was the one who gave in, not because i really won. so i don't see a point. but having that said, there were times that her disapproval does make a point and save my ass from lots of trouble. so that i can appreciate. however there are still so many things in my life, even after i'm 21, she still rules it over me. but, i can tolerate it. no problem. just have to let it slide.

and so, from time to time, i am always thinking about ways and solutions to live peacefully with her. no fights. no arguments. at least throughout the year and the only conclusion i have is that i must have my own earning power and to not spend so much time at home alone, together with her. and from the past 2 years of my life, i have proven myself right. HE who spends more time with her for the past 2 years on my behalf since i'm always not around, has been into more arguments and fights with her more than i did. awesome isn't it? i found a scapegoat. *i really hate to put it this way, but that's the reality and it's cruel*

sigh. i resigned from my job some time around in feb this year and till now it's only 2 months and i have been ALMOST into an argument with her TWICE. can you imagine, it's only 2 months of me spending more time at home and i almost had 2 arguments with her?! i cannot imagine how to survive for the next 8 months of my life. i regretted quitting from my job. seriously i did. i'm now begging to god that some one just employ me now, in an instant. thank goodness i took up the internship offered by my school for 2 months starting in june. so from now till then, i will just use study as an excuse to leave house and not to be home. pathetic am i? i have a house i cannot go back to until nightfalls. what a shame.

honestly, i have no idea whether is she picking a fight with me on purpose. at first, she was all happy about this boy i just knew and is always cheerful when i'm out with him, however after she found out that he smokes, she became all wary and upset whenever i'm with him. for now, i can still take her attitude as long as she doesnt jumps over the line like what she did with the previous friends of mine, i'm fine. i can take that. next, she is still comparing me to this another bowler saying that i can NEVER EVER win her in my whole life and that i suck as a bowler since i have been bowling for god damn long and still cannot overtake her. THIS, i can take it. no problem. it's true that i'm a lousy bowler, but as long as i know where i stand, i'm fine with it. i don't need her encouragement, her approval, her consent or her support in my bowling. i have already learnt to live without all that. i'm fine.
NOW, she nags on my passion i love most which is also bowling. i participated in this league organized by this friend of mine, it's a weekly thing and each time i'm selected to bowl, i would have to pay $16 for 4 games. that is reasonable. every where else charges the same. my team is not strong, but i'm just bowling for training and for my friends. and this is what she said :"don't spend so much money on this useless, cannot win game. $16 is not cheap and if you cannot win is like throwing money into the sea. we are tight with cash now and please try to save money since daddy is working hard to earn money. be more sensible a bit. you so old already. now every thing is so expensive!" guess what, you don't know how much blood has rushed into my brain and i feel like telling her that if she ever worried about money, she shouldnt be spending OUR money on jackpots. i'm fine with her playing mahjong since it's a luck thing and you are playing against humn. i'm fine with 4d because she always did her homework before betting. but JACKPOT?!?! you've got to be kidding me. and she lost from at least $150 to $'000 of dollars. and WHAT IS MY $16 COMPARED TO THAT?!?!?! not to mention that she frequents the jackpot room almost vey night for god knows how many years since I WAS YOUNG. seriously, i wonder if she ever knows what she's saying. half of the time, i know she KNEW what she's talking about. she just want to pick a fight on me.

if i were younger then, i would have shoot her with it and i forget about sleeping tonight. but now, i just need to blast my ipod and pretend not to hear a single nonsense she has spoken. it just makes my blood boils. fine. i can take it. no problem at all. i can take it all. if my dad can, i could too. i will make it through for this 2 months until my internship starts. and after that i'd better start my job hunting. i cannot stand staying at home, being together with her alone for long hours. it's torturing. i'd rather work till i drop dead. at least i know my efforts pay off.

i'm so pissed now. i really wish i could do something else now to distract myself from her. and i have decided that from tomorrow onwards, whether i can find anybody to study with me, i am going to do my self study anywhere but home. even my house downstairs i'm fine with it. and, i am not going to bother or ask my dad to pick me up or send me home. i have enough of her grumbling about the waiting time. even if i have to crawl, i'll crawl home. cash. is something i dont have since i dont save and i always give my allowance to my parents. but, somehow i will manage it until i get a job. this year. so it's only a few more months to bear. i know i can pull through.no problem.

i really want work.

Emotions

2010-04-05T00:59:00.002+08:00

Checked up on this girl and felt that she is not doing well at all. Something is bothering her and she seems to have some difficulty dealing with it. Girl, as long as you have made up your mind, dont regret it. life is simple, we make decisions and we dont look back. everything's gonna be alright. we're not perfect and that's perfectly normal. smile girl.

It is not wrong to want to feel wanted by someone important to you. it is our very human nature that made us to feel this way. checking on phone for messages and calls, missing him every now and then, and wishing that he was there with you... all these are normal. it is not because you're weak, dependent or stupid. is what any girl would have done. when they are in love.

It is definitely not too much to ask for a boy who would feels that you matters most in his life. this is the very basic requirement you can ever ask from a boy. and if he can't deliver that, he's not worth for you at all and that's because he doesn't love you much. Boys, will argue that each and every one of them has their own ways in expressing their love for the girl they like. but if you ever notice, at the end of the day, there are always a FEW THINGS that any boy would only do for the girl he really loves and wants to be with for as long as time permits. take your parents for example. there is a reason why with all the arguments and quarrells, they are still married to each other and not divorced.

You will be able to tell apart from those boys who are out to play and from those who seriously wants a life with you. and i know that, you probably knew that it is not quite possible for him to leave her after knowing so much about them. and this, is normal too. if he really can put her aside, he would have already done so long ago. no need to drag till now. their history is undeniable and for whatever reasons he may give, the fact that he has stayed with her for 4years proves that he has feelings for her. be it love or for atonement. he has it. and the truth is, he cant let it go.

truth hurts. it always does. but it brings you back to reality. lies on the other hand is like a delusion. a weak bubble to put around you that will burst easily. also, the most important in life is to be honest with yourself. what is it that you want? work towards your goals. if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, i can always lend you mine :) friends are there for a reason. so you're fighting alone at all.

stand tall. brace yourself. take a deep breath, and chest up! walk away confidently. show him that you are better off without him. happier and you can definitely move on and will take a big step at a time. this will pains your heart no doubt, but time as the best healing medicine ever, will numb it for you. widen your eyes, broaden your scope, find a better man. there is no need for you to cry to sleep anymore. you can do it because you are not alone.

Girl, you are stronger than you think you are. believe that since i am the one who said it. have faith and confidence.

tell him. that this love game is over. you are through and through with him. lay down your rules. be firm and that you know that it is the right thing to do. tell him. that he can have his ego all to himself. that you no need to be in his arms anymore. the tears you've cried, are no longer for him.

you did not lose him. is he who has lost you.

walk away, girl.

walk away with pride and dignity.

you deserve that much.

everything will be fine :) it's ok, you don't have to be afriad. the worst will be over soon.

Dead Tired

2010-04-05T00:45:00.003+08:00

24hrs bowling is total madness and i survived. yes, survived it all. i have no idea how i could manage to pull through without a wink of sleep in between and i was constantly hungry. my left arm aches because of holding my heavy bowling ball while getting ready to bowl, right forearm ache because of wii the day before and of course, bowling for 14games. my left tigh aches because of my balancing, my right hemstring hurts because of my power step. conclusion is: bowling is taking a toll on my body.

of course, a sequence of events have contributed to my aches such as roller blading on wednesday, ice skating on thursday and playing wii and mahjong on friday. do not underestimate the power of wii. my arm aches because of that. we played rrr1 and rrr2. we're gonna conquer rrr3 the next round. although we may look stupid, again.

although bowling is tiring, it's fun and of course the company of friends made it possible for me to deal with it. with constant cheering, laughter and jokes, we are always on the ball. we came in fifth out of all the strong teams out there. it is hard to name it all so i would just name the main characters on the team, the first was jennifer's team, second bronscon's team, third uncle jack's team, fourth patrick phua's team and mine on the fifth. so, it is an awesome team that we came in 5th out of 30 teams.

we bowled 48 games for qualifying. from 9am to 4pm. fast ain't we? then 72 games from 9pm to 8am. in between from 4pm to 9pm, we played l4d2, eat dinner, gelare ice cream and talk cock. as for me, i read my twiling book. edward is still as charming as he is. how i wish my boyfriend is him. anyway, end of report, off tagging photos on fb. ttyl.

The Impossibles

2010-04-02T02:15:00.002+08:00

Finally after 23 years of my life, i've stepped into an ice skating ring and ice skate with Foo and Sim. Awesome friends i have. Sim as pro as she's roller blades, get the hang of skating pretty fast. as for me and foo, we took a while but gradually we are able to skate across the ring and we now know, how fun ice skating can be :) Tham, i will definitely bring u along with me next time and we will make it fun too...

This little girl called me from so far away from our homeland. at first i thought it was some stupid china agencies calling me so i hung up on you, sorry girl, i don't mean it. i'm glad u called. at least u had someone to talk to, i may be busy, but please remember, i will always be there for you because i know how hard it can be to be fighting alone this seemingly long and tiring battle. what can i say? i'm in a similiar situation, but i think i can handle it, alright. don't worry dear, you have my back!

Girl, sometimes learning to give up is not a bad thing. in order to gain something new, we have to let go of something old. like i've said, love can sometimes be like magic, and magic can sometimes be illusional. there's no doubt that you will be heartbroken and all your wounds will open up. but that's part and parcel of this whole damn thing. and that is exactly what makes us stronger. just like you, i'm tired of this whole thing as well. what can i say? it is a battle not worth fighting for. it is high risk and low/no returns.

Having said all that, running away is definitely not the best solution. facing it is hard, but if that's where u fell, you would need to pick yourself up from there. problems are bound to happen, and we need to know how to deal with it, so we can prevent it the next time. saying is easier than getting it done. girl, i know this better than anyone. but it's not impossible as long as you tell yourself so. positive thinking is what set everything on the move. try to understand more about him, before u pass your judgement on this relationship. words, may seem to be what it is, but trust me, the power words have, is undeniable. when things are spoken, you feel so much better.

I seriously don't like the way he treats you. it is like he is having all the joy to himself and you girls have to fight over him and he, sitting on the sideline, enjoying this drama. look, if he has already made up his mind on you, put it into action. if not, it is the same as playing around. and girl, if he is doing that, i think you deserve some one better. you don't need to go through this for him. he may be one of the good catch, but good on the outside won't last long, it is what is in the inside that makes it worthwhile. of course, the looks play a somewhat important part in the evaluation process :)

So girl, think about it. if this is really taking a toll on you, why not just let it go. you may be surprised that you will find it easier to breathe after letting it go. it starts with your mind. if you want a change, everything starts with you. i'll always be here. love you always.

There It Goes Again

2010-03-31T01:26:00.002+08:00

Let me recall, when was the last time i studied? oh it's last Friday at Chinese Swimming Club, study room, waiting to bowl with Clement and Gerard, to practice for Saturday TP Alumni Bowling Competition. Yes, and it stops there. Saturday.Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. and even Wednesday. I did not even touch my books once. Not once. What makes it worst is that I skipped my morning classes on Monday and Tuesday. Shoot me now. Someone. Just pull the trigger.

For the first time after so long, I'm starting to feel anxious about my studies and I will lock these feelings tight in my heart to remind me that I am playing to my heart's content now, and I will also slought for the remaining days I have till exams approach. I play hard, but will study harder to make up for all the time lost. These feelings, are signs of guilty. Guilty that I have been playing and slacking so much that now when thinking back, felt that I have wasted my life away just like that. Reality sits in pretty fast and I'm starting to feel that now. So much now. What have I been doing the past few days. Oh Gosh!

You know, I am going to set some very strict rules on myself after this week ends. Since I have not more than 6 weeks left to study for my exams and my time is running short:

1. I will ONLY use my computer on weekends.
2. To sleep before 12midnight if i have morning classes the next day.
3. Self discipline. baby. self discipline.
4. Concentrate and Focus.
5. Everytime I feel like doing something, think about how much time i've wasted.
6. Supper is fine :)

Alright, with these i'm going to abide to this starting Thursday. I will want to keep my word and study hard so that I will not disappoint my parents. And for some reason, I don't feel as trapped as I use to feel. The power of words, now that i finally understand how words, can move people and steer their directions. I realised that I cannot underestimate the power words can hold. I think it can even move a moutain. and some, it moves my heart and determination.

A series of event that happens recently, triggered me to wake up from my slumber and to see the real world. and never did i expected that i will find back myself through such an unexpected encounter. I always thought that bowling was my comfort zone that brings me back to who i am. I'm not wrong, it just that bowling is only an avenue for me to numb myself in a place i'm familiar with and to take my mind of from other distractions. My bowling friends are there to lengthen the time to get distracted from my distractions.

But now, in order to find myself back. my mindset about my own life. the path that i want to take. the things that i'm willing to sacrifice for. the consequences that i've prepared myself with and feeling to be alone and strong, I've found everything from animes. unexpected isn't it? i have thought so myself too. I was watching some animes and remembered my intial promises i have made to myself. my determination on certain issues and my resolution on so many things. slowly, like pieces of my memory that starts to fall in place, comes back to me. and now, i think i am capable to, once again, deal with this loneliness. i have been dealing with that for so long that when someone happens to step in, i have opened up too much and it became a habit that i must have someone with me. to listen to my woes, happiness and unrelated issues. or even to spend time with.

I think i am ready to set off on my own once again. since i have been through so many times of this and experience really is accumulating, I can handle this. It is just the matter of going back to where I have stopped and move on from there. My mistake this time round is, i guarded myself too much and always reject my own feelings. when i learn to accept it, the burden gets lighter each time. and slowly, just like this, feeling so tired to fight it you became immune to it.

Studies.

You Know You Know

2010-03-17T22:16:00.002+08:00

Just yesterday, i've experienced some funny moments with Sim May Lou and Siewmei. We were waiting for the lift in school after about 5hours of study and we're heading out for dinner. The lift didn't take too long and when it came, there was one middle-aged woman inside, i walked in first followed by Siewmei and guess what, the lady didn't see Maylou and closed the door right IN FRONT of her face. Everything just happened in not more than 10secs, i guess. Both Siewmei and I were too late to response to help her. lol. thank goodness Maylou's nose is still intact. You can't imagine how funny it was. Of all people, to close the door on Maylou, is something we've never thought it would happen.

and just today, Maylou has learnt her lesson and she has decided to be the first to walk in to the lift :) anyway, we weren't productive today. procrastinated and slept most of the time. in the end, we decided to end our day earlier than usual. we sat and talked over dinner about many things that we've always wanted to do but has never come true. and for each other, we have decided to skip classes the following and have some girl's outing :) awesome!

we decided that we would go roller blading, and then dinner at bedok 85 (see us whack all the food!) and then spent the night over at my place to mahjong! **we will be playing small coz me and Siewmei believe in beginners' luck** and we will also skip class the next day and go either swimming, movie, ice skate, sing k or shopping around the east area.

i am looking forward to that. since we have plan in advance, i hope nothing goes wrong for that day. like no rain, no mensus, no last min appointments or anything. hope that whoever is up there will be nice to us on that day. CAMERA will be in action too!

According to...

2010-03-11T17:28:00.003+08:00

Someone told me something. and it felt like some one has just squeezed my heart so tight that it seems so hard to breathe. i choked on my own words as i tried to speak. and at this point of time that i know that my conscience is slowly killing me from the inside.

I'm trying. trying my best to piece things up to its original state. to bring everything back to where it supposed to be. don't misunderstand. i'm not acting to be strong or to be benevolent. perhaps it is in my nature to handle things this way. i'm not as harsh and tough as how i always speak, in fact i always use the soft approach to end things. that is all because, i know how soft my heart can be at crucial times. i'm tired of denying that and is learning to accept that fact.

All i need is to have someone, anyone, to assure me that my decisions are not wrong. and that i'm right. that is, this is the right thing to do. i need some confirmation that no matter what feeling i may have, i need to make the correct decisions for the benefit of everyone in the long run. i need affirmation that this is where things should be heading towards to. There is already no other alternatives.

i'm cornered.

N They Say

2010-03-07T22:14:00.002+08:00

women can be silly sometimes, don't they? after going through all the hurt, in the end, we still choose to forgive and love again. our human heart can be so fragile, yet sometimes seems to strong. isn't this amazing? i bet.

i'm so tired of talking about my current thoughts, situations and my plans. so tired of it all. the answers that i always get, is always the same. and deep down, somewhere in my heart, i knew it all along that, that has to be the ending for it. and speaking about giving it more options, i wonder if there is really an alternative to it.

i hoped that someone can just tell me frankly, tell me that i'm stupid enough to get caught in all these and it is time for me to wake up my idea. i need my wake up call. where is it? well, i hope that things will work out eventually. but meanwhile, i'm still considering whether should i give it a fight?

my conclusion is still, i'm dumb. the only thing that i don't have that makes it perfect is to be a blond.

This Amazing Thing

2010-03-07T02:40:00.002+08:00

Who could have thought that I could manage to pass through my weekend just like that. in a blink of an eye. my saturday is gone. and what is this thing that made it all that easy for me? they are my friends and bowling. just like what i've expected, bowling really occupies a lot in me. and with all those amazing friends tonight, they have just made my weekend happier.

I thought that i would have to struggle through my weekends, that would seems longer than any other days, but surprisingly i made it through the night without thinking much about you. not as much as when i'm alone, doing nothing. i am glad. glad that i don't have to think about you. at least i know that i've made some progress on my own.

Something nice came up today, Thanapon, this thai friend of mine, came by to Singapore and went back in an instant. -.- as usual. he comes and goes just like an unexpected gust of wind. one moment i received an sms from him saying that he's in Singapore and the next sms he would be telling me that he's leaving in a few hours time. dear me have to remind him that he would need to text me earlier to at least allow me to do some planning to meet him or at least, send him off at the airport. today's timing was just bad. nothing he does coincides with mine. but he's understanding and knew that i'm really tied down with some important appointments and told me that he would notify me in advance. i would appreciate that, boy!

Anyway, i have just wasted the night like that, although i enjoyed it :), i need to get back to my books as soon as possible. guess what, i have decided to particiapte in some mini competition tomorrow even though i know that i am not ready for that yet. and i really need to study. please, whoever is up there, give me some extra brain cells and allow me to study my MA enough to just pass my test. at least. -.- omg. and i realised that procrastination is my best friend. and that's bad. zomg.

There's something about a girl :)

2010-03-05T00:01:00.001+08:00

"There’s something about a girl when she’s in love.

When a girl is in love she devotes everything she has to him, and everything she does is because he’s worth it. She reaches out to grab your hand because yours are the only ones that fit perfectly with hers. She cries to you because she finds the warmest comfort in you. She forgives you no matter how many times you’ve hurt her. She cooks you your favorite food just to see you smile. She fights hard with you because she cares. She teaches you a lesson only to help you learn and grow. She kisses you unexpectedly because everything in her body wants to. She calls you when things are bad because you tend to ease the hurt. She drops plans with her girlfriends because she rather spend time with you. She falls asleep in your arms because it’s where she wants to be. She hurts when you are hurting. She sticks by your side even when times are wrong. She surprises you because nothing makes her happier than making you happy. She pays for your shit because she actually wants to. But a lot of the reason why she does all of that is because she’s afraid to lose you.

There’s something about a girl when she’s on her own.

When a girl is independent she devotes everything she has to herself, and everything she does is because she knows she’s worth it. She doesn’t need anybody to hold her hand, she could do it on her own. She cries to herself because she knows she’ll make it through the night. She forgets you once you’ve hurt her. She keeps food on the table for herself. She fights hard for herself because she cares. She learns and grows from her own mistakes. She doesn’t kiss just because. She doesn’t need anybody to help her ease the hurt. She drops plans with her girlfriends because she rather spend time alone. She doesn’t need somebody next to her just to get some sleep. She hurts. She knows to stick to herself when times are wrong. She doesn’t need surprises because she knows what makes her happy. She pays for her own shit because she actually wants to. But a lot of the reason why she does all of that is because she has lost you."

Quoted from my lover's blog :)

since she has private her blog and not everyone can see this. and here i thought that this post of hers is rather true and would like to share it with all the other girls out there. and for you boys, take note that this is what exactly is happening to girls in these situation. ***although not all girls are like this***

Hmm...

2010-03-04T01:21:00.002+08:00

several questions were asked. not from me. but from others, to me.

it got me thinking. and pondering about it.

honestly, i am feeling disturbed by the questions that they asked me. so disturbed. and at the same time upset with myself.

what should i do now?

this cannot drag any longer. it has to come to an end. but it is not the time yet.

patience. patience. the right time will come, for me to leave this game.

i need to wait. to execute this. wait.

Mood: Panic

2010-03-02T22:51:00.002+08:00

Fuck! I just realised that i couldnt find the CD that Jane has handed to me on Sunday. I need to pass that to Flora on Thursday along with the keys and the expenses documents. omg. my room is in mess and i really cannot remember where the hell i put that CD! Fuck!

I remembered taking it out, placing it somewhere that i thought at the back of my head "it will be convenient for me to bring out so that i wont forget" and i remembered that i was packing my notes on that day because i need to study on monday. and and and, i remembered bring a lot of stuff home on sunday and wtf! i forgot where i put that CD.

omg omg omg omg...i'm so dead...i need my memories back! of all things i forget, i choose to forget where i place the CD. NB! WTF! memories, sobz! please come back..i need to recall and i only have till thursday and i haven't start studying for MA on thursday and I DON'T HAVE MY ORGANIZER WITH ME!

i feel so handicap...

sobz...cd...please come out!

My Medicine

2010-02-28T10:50:00.004+08:00

Time flows everyday and just like that it passes by so fast before i knew it. It is all coming to an end. An end to my work, ended with SBF and now i only have my studies to accompany me through my seemingly long weeks ahead.

The reasons for all these?! Nothing in particular. It is just the way things are and how it is supposed to end. I am already prepared for it long time ago. To me, having more free time on hand, may not be a good thing afterall because by having more time, i would tend to think about you a little more than i should.

And so, i want to keep myself occupied. The best medicine for this is not to wait and sulk on my own or to go party or clubbing to numb it. I will go back to my comfortable, familiar and safe zone; bowling is my cure. Now that i realised that i have always fall back on my bowling whenever things do not end up well for me. I like that me on the lanes. That aggressive, strong-willed, determined and clear-headed me, that is always on the lane. Sad to say, i have not successfully applied that practice in handling relationship. i wished i had.

I never knew that i was this weak in this area as compared to when i was younger then. Say, age really does make a difference in things don't they? as we get older, the things we view seems to be different and the things that we value is clearer. But i think i'm handling it just fine. like what a friend of mine said "it is difficult to keep a distant and to stay away when you see each other so often" I hate to admit it but I'm doing my best here too :)

I believe i can find my own ways and assurance that i will reduce the number of times you appear in my head everyday and also, to place more concentration on my studies so as not to disappoint my father any further than i already have. I hate it everytime i sneezed because it would just come across my mind that someone might be thinking of me. Recently, i have been sneezing more than usual and i tell myself that it is a sign that i'm falling ill. Anyway i will get myself back on track like the way i used to be, and hopefully, i can, at the very least, salvage this friendship.

I don't have the confidence to say that once our tests/exams ends, things would be the same as the way they are now. I don't even know if i could keep my word to not drift away. Sometimes, i thought that i should not give in to you and i should, treat you like how i treat my other friends. Only then that i realised in order for me to do that, i will need time to know you better through the things you do. That actions has to come sincerely and genuinely from that person himself for me to be able to understand a person better.

In whatever way, i have no intention in going back on my promise and also i know myself very well that once i am able to accept this person as my good friend, i know that i will never consider him as a potential partner at all. Just like my closer male friends i have, because i know them too well, i won't date them and they, will never have this idea across their head as well. This is a friendship, a bond, created that will last as long as it can take.

I wish i could stick to this resolution that I made.

For now, studies will always replace you whenever i think of you. I will refrain from making the first move to sms (unless otherwise necessary) or any other actions that may / could have lead you on. But still, i am curious as to how in the world things could have developed to this stage. I wonders. and is still wondering.

Mood: Sad~

2010-02-25T17:14:00.002+08:00

The bomb has finally dropped on me. Karen Kuang called today and told me that at the moment they already have enough staff to work on weekends and hence, they wouldnt need me to work on weekends anymore. *sniff* *sniff* this time round, I am really leaving for good.

I am sad because I have been with this music school for maybe 2 years or so and have gotten used to all the cute little students here and my fantastic teachers who never fails to bring laughter to my life. But as the saying goes, there are no banquet in this world that doesnt have to say good-byes. and i am doing mine now.

Initially I am still pondering over whether should i work on saturday or sunday, now it is all cleared. I dont have to work on either days. I feel so empty all of the sudden. Maybe it is time i try to find something to do. sign up for some courses, maybe. Suddenly, I am so free. No bowling, no work. only studies. sigh. i need to start working soon again. i cant stand idling around not doing anything.

ARGH!!! This is so boring now! i want my busy life back..*sobz*

i contradict myself. i want to work and i don't want to work. haiz. haiz. haiz. this week is my last week of work. *sobz*

what am i supposed to do now? i have so much time on hand. what can i do? what should i do? oh come on! give me something to do besides studying. maybe it is time i take on a more active role in bowling. oh, maybe i shld sign up for music classes. but if i'm not working, i'm broke. and i really dun want to take money from my dad.

so i need to find another job soon. work work work. damn!

For You

2010-02-25T16:07:00.003+08:00

Steffi, i know that u were searching high and low for me online last night but i am really tied down to something important and hence was not able to respond to your sos immediately. Just so you know, i dont own a bbb or iphone that allows me to connect to the internet even if i'm out. I am not too sure if it is abit late for me to say this but since i'm so far away from you, i can only support you mentally and that is all that i can do now at the moment. at least for you.

I saw your messages on facebook and i already replied to almost every single one of them. just in case if anything happens again and i happened to be not online, i know u would always refer to my blog and that's why here i am blogging to help you. at least i hope i did.

Seriously, based on what you told me from day 1 till now about you and Ostrich (*** sorry i had to call him that but he really fits into that description flawlessly***) I don't know if he is even serious about being together with you. I can understand that he needs some time but this is dragging on a little bit too long. trust me, the longer this drags, the one ended up getting all injured with wounds would be yourself. You should know this better than I do. Physical wounds may recover but emotional wounds would take longer. Considering yourself in the current situation you are in, trust me, it will hurt even more because you are stuck with him 24/7 in Australia for at least another 6 more months or so.

Look back, Steffi. what happened to you when you're in singapore. when you're in NUS. You wouldnt want the same thing to happen again, don't you. Priortized your things. Set out your mind and heart to do things right. Don't fall at the same spot again. You've already fell once, the price you paid was great enough. Don't make the same mistake again. You just have to keep reminding yourself about this. Why did you go to Australia to study? What did you promise your father? What have you promised yourself to do when you have decided to go to Australia to study? This is the kind of thoughts you should start with first. Affirm yourself that you are there for some serious business and not for play. Find it. Find it back the determination that you have before setting out on this. I believe you can :)

You know, many things happened and that cannot be avoided. What is done, cannot be undone. So no use crying over split milk. What you must do now is to know what you want to do. No use waiting for Ostrich if he cannot give you any confirmation, clarification or an answer to his actions. Waitng will only kill u even more. Time waits for no man. Remember that. Look, Ostriach has NEVER given you any clear answers or plans as to what he has in mind. I know what you are going to say at this time "He told me this and that and this and that" bla bla bla~ Yes, it is true that he TOLD you, but he never DID it. It is just empty promises. Promises and words that he need to tell you so that he could keep you by his side. and if things don't work out well between you and him, his can always falls back on maddie. You know this better than anyone else. So why are you still hanging on to him?

Probably you should ask yourself, why did you even fall for him? his looks? his brains? the way he talks? the way he humours you? or? find out, what exactly make you fall for him. and once you know that, used that as a weapon to make yourself to STOP falling even more for him. Tell him to stop doing it if this is what it takes to make you not waver your determination. Do whatever you need to do to guard yourself. Drifting is definitely not a wise option, because you are going to see him at least for another year and avoiding him would be tiring. But then again, there are always many solutions to one problem. it is just looking at things from different point of view.

I wouldnt ask you to jump straight into the conclusion that he is playing you. if you cannot do it face to face, then ask him over the phone. no point doing it over sms or msn, because u need to hear what he says and read him off from there. like his tone, his actions, the way he talks. msn and sms-es hides every ounce of these feelings. Stay calm. Cool you head. Slow down your heartbeat. Imagine that you are going for a perfect game and this is your last shot :) I know you're going to say that this is random but bowling is a game, in this, love is a game too. in fact it is gamble.

Just so you know, guys would always give you answers like "i really don't know" "maybe" "probably" "i am not sure"and bla bla bla bla...so to avoid this aimless talk and not to waste anymore of your precious time. tell him to answer you either a YES or a NO to the questions u asked. and forbid himto say all the above mention. trust me, when they give this kinda half-assed ans, it just makes you even more irritated and annoyed than you already have. And in order to do that, first you must know what you want to achieve out from the talk. What is it that you want to find out from Ostrich. For example, whether if he loves you? whether if he has the intention to get back with maddie? whether is he going to stick thru think and thin with you? what are his intentions and plans? and from there, once you know your objectives, work out your questions for him. That's how things should go for guys like Ostrich who cannot give you a definite answer. and if he really pissed you off, you can always chop it off. his little brother.

Steffi, so you should stop assuming things based on what you have read on other pple's blog or facebook. Although it may be true about your assumptions. but it would be best if you get the direct answer and hear it straight out from him.

AND AND AND, you know he is a sweet talker and that sweet talk you out of it. so you must first know his tactics and then you must know how to break it. it is easier said than done. but this really really only based on your will power. only on your will power. how strong u can be in your mental. it is a fight u must take. but also, you must warn yourself of the consequences. brace it. accept it. and learn to live with it. you will do fine :)

If you need to cry, don't every do it infront of him because at the very least you need to protect your pride and dignity. but my advice would be DON'T CRY! but knowing you, you probably would cry for one night and then recover the nexy day and then when u see him again and he sweet talk you again, you will cry again for another night. It takes courage to cry, i know. but it also takes a certain amount of determination not to and that is the first step to being strong.

So, anything goes wrong and really needed to talk. you can always call me. although phone bills is going to accelerate but once in a while, i'm alright with it.

Stay strong, steffi!

The Story Goes On...

2010-02-20T00:39:00.002+08:00

*sigh*

what a way to start a post for the day. but. that was what i did before i start typing.

where should i start? no idea. thinking back, this is the first time i have caught myself in such a complicated situation and i know it is affecting me even in the slightest possible way. exams are really coming and i dont want it to be the reason why i will not be able to de well. i know myself too well, so that's why drastic measures are needed. to save myself from drowning.

i like to procrastinate and with this thing going on, it accelerate my procrastination process which is bad for my concentration since to start with, i have very short attention spent on studies. so i need to stop this earlier to give myself some time to recover and get back on track. i just need time. that's all. but. i'm always running out of time. wonder why.

i hope that i made the right decisions today. i wont further elaborate and so dun bother asking me because i am so lazy to talk about it. i hestitated a bit. and was searching for my source of encouragement. i have thought of various ways and approaches but at the end of the day i can only come with one conclusion. i bet i killed a lot of brain cells. anyway. it's worth it.

of course my only source of encouragement is to assure myself that this is for the best and to affirm my decision.guess what, it is through facebook. like i've said, it is device that does wonders. photos is always the best evidence available because seeing is believing. i make sure to lock those images in my head so that i wont get sweep away.

*sigh*

i felt bad. but. there's really nothing much i can do about it. so much of gossiping about others, i dont want to see myself in their position. that's depressing. letting go is always the best option. although it is easier said than done. but i'm already used to it. i have trained myself well to deal with this professionally.

i just wish i could lose some parts of my memory sometimes. so people, being forgetful sometimes, can be a good thing. but. people like me, who is very kinestatic and has very good photographic memory. forgetting it is hard.

*sigh*

if u cant win them, you join them. so if i cant forget them, i just have to accept them. this is to make life easy.

*sigh*

i'm tired. going to bed. i don't even know what i'm blogging tonight. readers, do u understand what i'm typing? if u do, awesome. if you dont, its normal.

What's now

2010-02-19T02:36:00.002+08:00

dear fifi msn me at like 2am and told me that he bf lied to her with photos from his ex on his ex's facebook wall. so you see, facebook is a device that acts as a weapon and sometimes a shield. however that latter one is not very often. see what internet can do? it does wonders.

she is like an erupted volcano that i think can at least kill more than 1,000km radius, of people around her. but you cant blame her that she flares up like that. basically her bf lied and he told a very big lie that even if he jumps into the yellow river, it cant prove his innocence. seriously, i cant really tell if fifi or her bf is at fault.

to think abt it again, if her bf can cheat on his ex to be together with her, it shows that he would prob do the same to her right? and i know fifi must have prepared herself for this and that's why she never gave 100% of her heart to him. at the end of the day, there is no one except yourself to protect your own heart. and there's just so little that she can do because that faggot is already on his way to australia. what a smart move. but he better be prepared to face the typhoon later.

when this happens to her, it rings a bell in me that i have to reflect on myself too. just so you know, i'm caught in a very difficult position and a little more complicated than fifi's. at least hers is clear cut. which makes things so much easier to handle. that's what i think at the very least. but again, when it comes to the heart, things can never be any where simpler.

maybe i shld start to look into this whole damn thing again and really carefully consider every aspects on possibilities and probabilities. economics and stats may not be my strongest module but i can get thru it pretty alright. so prob it is time for me to apply the correct equation to the problems to find the best fit answer.

if u ask will everything be fine? of course it does since time has always been the best medicine around since ages ago but at the same time, it is the most bitter medicine too. so i should start to buckle up and brace myself. having saying all that, i know that fifi prob knew that something like this is going to happen sooner or later. just like how i know what the outcome is going to be. it's a matter of sooner or later.

according to the "art of war", to fight a battle, you must end it fast and swift to prevent more casualties because as the fight drags longer, the more people will get hurt.

so u see, it is all prob the right time now. i guess. it is just choosing the best tactics for this.

steffi, u know what u must do right. at least do those things that u know u have to know and must find out. from there, your picture will be clearer and your view will be better and u will be able to make a better decision.

life's like this :)

2010-02-19T00:08:00.004+08:00

the white clouds just passes by~
over the clear blue sky~

what was left behind
is the dark grey clouds
that is going to fill the sky

between risk and opportunity
like a fine line, a fine thread
that comes a consequence
like a thunderstorm~

a shelter for sun and rain
build with confidence and faith
to prepare for any disasters
as tough as the hardest rock

this is it.
soon.
after the storm, comes a calm.
a rainbow for joy.

for a smile.

Hokkaido, Japan

2010-02-13T19:54:00.002+08:00

Finally after 4 days i have managed to connect to the internet. Actually this current hotel that i am staying in, Sapporo Grand Hotel, has free internet access and i am already staying here since last night but because i have no idea how to connect the cable, so i did not access to the internet until today when i asked Ronnie (uncle Albert's son) to help me with the connection since he is a pro in this area. lol. he is damn awesome. i took like more than 45 minutes to connect but failed and he didnt even take more than 45 secs. omg.

Over in Hokkaido is always so damn cold. all the time it is always like minus 10 to 12 degrees or sometimes even lower. For the past 4 days, I have experienced probably like 7 times of snowing. Like REALLY SNOWING. Surprisingly, when it snows it is not as cold as when it doesnt. Trust me, the first thing you have in mind is that, you pray that the wind dont blow. if it does, your cheeks and nose would probably be frozen. My fingers and toes are, most of the times, numb and cold. At times like this, i wish i was in Singapore, but after seeing the beautiful scenery, I dont wanna go back anymore. LOL. but oh well, I'm coming back on the 16th. that's sad.

These time round, the experience i have is very much different from the one i had last year. Because it is nearing to valentine, there are more activites and more events to enjoy. there are like chocolates everywhere, which is damn freaking awesome, and also many cute ice scultures. omg, these sculptures are really damn amazing. you can view the photos on my fb. damn fantastic. the food here is superb. although their miso is not as delicious as the ones i had in the other part of hokkaido, but the ramen and everything else is even more awesome. omg. i think i have put on weight ever since i arrived here. i cant stop eating. chocolates, cakes, ramen, rice, miso, biscuits and tidbits. damn, i love the hot cocoa here from the vending machine.

Also, there are so many interesting and funny moments when my dad and uncle albert (the old man) having a conversation. just like when we were in Nepal, they are a comedy pair. They really made my day. lol. also, my dad slipped and fell in a slow motion when we went to the sulphur valley. it was so funny that i couldnt stop laughing for like 10 minutes. and uncle albert was in front of my dad and he was afriad that my dad would domino him. lol. was damn freaking funny since i was at the back and saw the entire view. also, there is this cute and adorable baby, kai xuan, which is very tempremental but really cute. she only knows how to say "nooo" and "scareeee" hahaha....super cute. i would have kidnap her and yi kai (the one who went with us to Nepal) anyway, she is only 18 months old.

We bought food, musical box (my mum bought it for me as a present), cups and chopsticks. the cups here are really amazingly nice. i couldnt help it and bought 3 cups. one for myself, my mum and dad. awesome bo! awesome right! but i bought 4 pairs of chopsticks, 2 of them are mine :) anyway it's my dad's money....hahahahah....

There are no handsome guys here but more old peh pehs. hotspring is wonderful and i even went to the open air public bath. so i was dipping myself in the hotsprings with snow moutains as my surrounding. cold air and hot water, best combination ever. it is really what we always say as "enjoying life" the open air bath is really a whole new world of experience.

Well, there's not much shopping but more of sight-seeing and that's more than enough. i really love it here although it is cold, but it is damn awesome.

I am leaving to Tokyo tomorrow and I will only reach Singapore on the 16th at 1230 MIDNIGHT! OMFG, that's late. actually it shouldnt be considered as 16th but 17th instead since it already pass 12 midnight but oh well it doesnt matter. i am looking forward to shabu on the 17th with my besties!!! STEFFI I AM COMING HOME SOON! wait for me!

anyway, got to pack my stuff le..super busy and tired.

TO ALL MY FRIENDS OUT THERE, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!!

love you guys :)

siewmei, i bet u miss me right..lol :)

Secret Happiness

2010-02-06T18:26:00.002+08:00

Guess what, today my jumpstart student (12months to 23months old), gave me a chinese new year goodies bag!!!!!! he is soooooo sweet and adorable....too bad today is his last lesson :( so sad...when he is soooooo cute and lovable...omg...he brightens up my long and tiring day...i'm gonna miss him...anyway, that goodies bag only has mini oranges. but it is good enough :)

I will go back home and take a picture :)

When The Sky is Clear

2010-02-06T11:19:00.003+08:00

Looking back, i have never regretted working in this small, comfortable and cozy music school. although i always complain about the work load at times, this is just part and parcel of my job scope so there isn't anything i can do about it either. Anyway, since i am going to convert back to part time, there is no need for me to carry that much responsibility anymore. It is time i hand it over to another committed, long term staff for Parkway.

Just like any other saturdays, i will observe the people who walks in and out of the school. some of very familiar faces, so rather new. and with this, i look at how the discipline their children and how the teachers tackle younger students. let me tell you, it is a very challenging task to deal with young children. i'm not very good at it myself, but they will always talk to me about things i can never understand. basically, the langauge they used is what we call the toddler's language. apparently, only their parents will understand them.

Out of all, there is always this particular student i always noticed and i thought that the parents must have brought them up well. She comes for lessons at 10am every saturday and without fail, her oldest brother would always bring her for lessons and when the lesson finishes, he would picks her up. He helps her carry her school bag, water bottle and then patiently waits for his sister to takes off her shoes before going into class. A very gentle boy and i always tease him as usual by telling him "you're such a good brother!" and he blushes while walking out. And today, he came and told me "i am not authorised to sign any documents for the school on behalf of my parents or sister" i laughed. told him that i wouldnt make him sign his life away for nothing and those documents that i had him signed, are just merely for paperwork, not anything important. He is so funny. but oh well, after this month i wouldn't see that student again because they are leaving and so am i :)

Leaving for Hokkaido this coming tuesday and only last night that i finally know what time flight i am taking. need to pack my things by monday. but oh well, maybe i will pack them on sunday instead. since i am taking the night flight, i will be a good student and attend my morning audit class on tuesday. at least i didn't miss out too much for audit and tuesday is the last lesson for this month before we go on our study break. i am so going to miss my studies. ***like real. -_-

This month is like another hectic month. Chinese New Year is here, Gerard's place is gonna be another gambling den and i hope not to see myself at his house gambling. I should be studying instead just so you know. and that THAM STEFFI is going back to AUSTRALIA on the 20th FEB! damn, i'm gonna miss her though. HEARD THAT BABE! but oh well, if Gerard and Daryl are to confirm going to Australia in June, i'll probably be able to tour around with them and maybe i will drop by Canberra to visit Steffi and so, STEFFI! be prepared that i may need to stay in your hostel and bring me around k?

Anyway, leaving all the fun aside, i need to buckle up and start studying. ggxx. after my trip, i'd better get all my thoughts and plans collected and start my engine even though it runs on diesel. omg. i cannot afford to flunk my final year and damn i need to find a job soon. if not i have do not have enough pocket money. sobz. g game. crazy month isn't it? tell me about it man.

i better sign off soon. working now :)

Bla Bla Bla~~~

2010-01-30T17:09:00.002+08:00

Yea yea yea, okay i know i know so stop reminding me people. exams are around the corner and guess what, i did not even do my tutorials and essays let alone to flip through my notes to start my revision. ggxx. i know how screwed i am now so stop stressing me any further. besides it is a super challenging task to match siewmei's, maylou's and my schedules together to find common days for group study. we are all so busy with work and the both them with their boyfriends. -_-''

Siewmei says she is gonna come out with some spreadsheet thingy for the 3 of us so that we could come together to study. awesome! and also, maylou told me the other day she has already started studying. zomg. and just a few days ago i discovered from my classmates, they have ALL started their REVISION! omg. and so, what am i doing here, at seimpi school of music, working my ass off for? well, for my pocket money obviously :) smiles. but still, studies are important. yea boy, i need to buck up.

the first step to get me into this is to find my source of motivation, which obviously is something i did not have at the first place for studies, and also self discipline which is also something really challenging for me. there are too many temptations around, like sleep, manga, animes, eat and maybe to chill out with friends. all these are never ending. *sigh*

so the morale of the story is, i need to start studying real soon. at first i was thinking of starting after chinese new year, but it is not quite possible given my current situation and because i am just tooooooo lazy to dooooo anything. argh! where's my drive?!?!?!? still finding still finding..

alright, i will go home and study after work today.

awesome.

Some things

2010-01-23T20:40:00.002+08:00

It has been donkey years since I last went to a movie with my PARENTS! awesome right. I know. The last time I watched a movie with the both of them (according to my dad) was when I was oly 2 years old. Tell me, how am I supposed to remember something like that?! OMG, I was only 2 years old darling.

The only time I could remember going to a movie with my mother was when I was in primary school. Very certain but don't know which year was it. The movie we wateched was Lion King, the Pride Rock. Awesome! Up till now, I still love that movie. I can recite the entire plot for you at the back of my memory. If only I put that into my studies, I would have been a scholar. yea right!

We are going to watch Avatar 3D and even though I have already watched this show with Steffi, weewee and the others, I still wanna watch it again. Of course the other time I watched 2d because 3D ran out of seats. Besides, my dad is sponsoring my movie ticket for today, so why not! **Smiles**

Anyway, we are going to downtown east to catch a 950pm show and my dad did not know that we could book online. He is a moutain tortise but that what makes him funny and it is so like my dad. SO CUTE!!! yea right....my backside.

So the show is gonna end around say 1am?! and i need to work tomorrow morning at 830am. Ong She-na, well done. G Game. Some more I still have many issues I need to deal with tomorrow and my sunday teachers have been giving me hell a lot of problems and they have been falling sick for god knows what reason that it may be.

Off I go now to a movie with my parents.

Look Around Me :)

2010-01-19T20:59:00.004+08:00

still browsing on his photos and i thought how nice it must have been. and then when i slowly recall, he did told me this plan of his once in his car. his plans to do countdown elsewhere instead of singapore. indeed, he made his dreams come true and of places he choose japan. well, i'm not implying that he cannot go since it is his freedom. but why of all places, his first stop has to be japan. nevermind me. i'm just annoyed. thinking that he just wanted some one or any one to acompany hm to fulfil this dream of his. it was just last year november, after my nepal trip, that he asked me out and he just gotten himself a girlfriend before christmas eve. say, guy changes mind pretty fast isn't it? it just within weeks and he still dare to tell me he would do anything for us to be together. bullcrap. honestly, their words, as sweet as it is, contains more lies than truth in it.

and then after looking at how happy they are and i knew instantly that they are creating happy memories and then i decided to browse through my own photos. i laughed. laugh at my own stupidity and also at those photos. me too, had my fun although it is not that romantic kind of fun but it is the warmth, jokes, laughter, friends, and all those silly things we did, that makes the best out of everything. i know that i am not alone. for the past few days, those times when i thought that i was lonely without you, i was wrong. i wasn't. i had my friends, who stood by me in rough, happy and wild times. these friends, have never once turn me down when i needed them. although they may be busy with the boyfriends and girlfriends or even bowling, studies and work, we still spend our holidays together doing crazy things. from birthdays to gatherings to holiday trip and to festive party, they are always there :) awesome friends i have.

i looked at all those photos and remembered what we all did, i smiled again. thinking back how much laughter they have brought into my life and the bond that we have that can never be shaken easily. well, i have to admit that some of them suffered more from my nonsense and my non-stop grumbling about so many things from bowling to my bitches and to my studies. surprisingly, they have never gotten sick of it and still willingly listens to all my nagging and complains. say, aren't they awesome?! i really love my friends.

after looking at my photos, i looked through my own albums and realised that i had my own adventure too. *so what you have your tokyo adventure* anyway, i have been to places that i really love, for example: JAPAN!!!! although i have to admit that i felt a bit lonel because my dad and mum were like a bit lovey dovey and i don't have siblings to play with and i don't enjoy talking to strangers so i always end up entertaining myself. even though i am already used to entertaining myself since young, but still, it is bored. however i still love it. it is hard for my family to get together often even though it is just the 3 of us and because of my work and studies, my dad's working and golf and my mum's mahjong. it's rare for all of us to travel around especially i am already not young anymore and probably does not enjoy travelling with a family. but hey, i really enjoyed all the times i spent with my family.

and so i know, i am always surronded by wonderful people. shouldnt be too involved in my own feelings for something else. i have enough and have nothing more to ask =)

Easy going is cool~

2010-01-18T22:54:00.003+08:00

Dragged myself off the bed this morning and skipped breakfast all just because of the buffet later at Suntec.

Met up with Siewmei at tamp control station and had a japanese old lady who could speak fluent english asking me for directions. Out of all people in the crowd, she approached me. awesome isn't it. it seems like i always have this "LOOK" that strangers will tend to approach for me to ask for directions and stuff when actually i'm bad in directions myself. and, friends say first impression of my is dao and stuck up, so why are there still people coming to be if i had that scary look? weird.

Whack don't know how many plates of fish paste :) yum yum yum. the fish paste there is my all time favourite. of course there were the mantous, chestnut cake and the nian gao...omg...ggxx super suepr full. had the sense of satisfaction.

when over to PS to do some shopping here and there and bought same stuff for my over-flowing dvds and vcds. damn, need to pack my room soon before mother starts yelling at me since CNY is around the corner. what a chore!

bad news: HOKKAIDO trip may be CANCELLED. because 1. JAL is going bankrupt. 2. not enough people to sign up for the trip. God, do you need to be so cruel to me? I really want to go Japan to enjoy myself and get the freaking out of this country once in a while. Never mind, daddy will tell me the outcome tomorrow.

Good news: i have recovered 4 folders from Siewmei's ext hdd. Awesome shit. But there were some jpegs/photos that i could not open with my laptop. but oh well, at least i knew i recovered some of her movies like 17again or something like that. Alright, will continue the recovery tomorrow since I cannot do the recovery anymore today.

Anyway, took a super long bus ride home from PS. at times like this, i love long bus ride with my ipod on and my mind in a blank. it gives me an excuse to think about many things about the past, present and the future. don't worry, i'm a tough girl. Will get by some how.

Tomorrow will be a freaking long day. Had school from 930am ro 530pm. OMG! and after that worked from 615pm to 915pm. PENGZ. i'm so gonna collapsed tomorrow.

Signing off......

Sometimes...

2010-01-18T00:19:00.003+08:00

A very bad habit of mine, i would just click on his profile on facebook to check out what is he doing and how is everything. not too sure by doing so what is that i want to find out. sometimes i asked myself, why bother checking up on him? but i have never honestly answered my own question and even till today i clearly know that i am always running away.

i'm not going to say that i envy them now and i'm not going to say that i regretted not taking his hand back then. but, i cannot deny that my heart is aching. why? i don't know. i wish i know. put it this way, i want to know too. it is easy to read others and understand what others are thinking, but i guess at the end of the day, the only person you don't really know is yourself. for me, i guess it is this way for me.

he is now with this quite sweet looking girl who seems to really loves him a lot and he seems to love her a lot too. good for them and that was what i have always wished for. hoping that everything would end between us since long ago. but then, why is my heart still aching. maybe because it's the time of the month and i'm feeling emo again.

i saw his pictures and they are travelling around tokyo, japan for new year count down. sweet. it is something he would do since he is the romantic type of person and he always has a glib tongue and somehow or rather you would end up following whatever he says. perhaps, that was one of the reasons why i would agree to date him back then.

looking back, perhaps he was my first love. from that very day when he asked me out and listening to his dreams and wishes, i knew that this man will be a successful man in the future. he's smart, not too bad looking and he has everything a girl may want, an ideal partner but somehow ever since then i have always doubted him.

apparently back then everything is not serious at all. probably i was the only one who fell quite deep for it but that is what a player is good at isn't it? he left me for another girl whom happens to be one of my good friend. he hops from girls to girls and you could guess how many girls' heart he has broken and how many i don't know if he ever tried to fix them.

did i really lose him for good? i really don't know man. i wish he could tell me that he was just playing around so that i could at least bury this and so i will never have this habit of looking at his fb pofile. thinking back, probably he was the caused why i don't really trusts guys even till now, always guarding my heart so that i won't walk into the same situation again.

when browsing through his photos, i wondered what if i have taken his hand back then, he girl standing there now would it still be her or me? or would it be, 10 years down and he who's a player and wil hurt this girl now like what he did in the past, and will i, still be thinking, what if 10 years down, that person who will be hurt would still be her or me?

i hope that this all nonsense are just becases it is the time of the month and i'm just having some terrible mood swing. wake up tomorrow and forget about everything. sometimes, having a short term memory may be a good thing. take my memories away, so that i dun have to remember how it feels. Also, all the promises that he made and all those words he said, take it back. it would definitely make me feel better. although he was not the one at fault because it was me who pushed away his hands.

Bad Mood: Do Not Disturb

2010-01-14T23:13:00.002+08:00

As the title says, indeed, I am in a freaking bad mood now. Kind Siewmei has lent me her external pink maxtor 250GB external hard drive and now, I am not too sure if I am giving the external hard drive problems, or the other way round. However, I only know that the conculsion is, this is not the ideal situation that I should be in. Fuck it. Seriously, when is wrong with all these complicated devices when they are supposed to make life easier for mankind.

nb. Fucking pissed now. What's worst. when I tried to restart my laptop, there is this whole string of words that only god can understand that and before I knew it, in a few minutes, ALL THE DATA IN SIEWMEI'S HARD DRIVES WENT MISSING!!!! oh yes yes, I am in deep shit now. YES I KNOW SO STOP TELLING ME THAT. oh my fuck, what is wrong my electronic devices these days. If you wanna pms, pick another day you doo doo.

Die.When I tried to open the file using my desktop, only my folder is there and 3/4 of my animes just vanished into thin thin air. Yea, the air is so think it's suffocating. nb. screw it man. Hopefully, god will be nicer to me and please direct me to find the best solution. At least let me recover all the data. I should have back it up. But then again, if I have the memory space to do back up then I wouldn't even need to borrow Siewmei's external hard drive. Well done Ong She-na. Good job man. You are so screwed. Dead Duck.

Once again. Fuck it. Anyway, I have to go back fixing the drives. nb.

later.

It Goes Like This...

2010-01-09T16:12:00.002+08:00

Alright, let's say "WELCOME TO 2010!". I know that's a bit too late since it has already been more than a week after we have welcomed the new year some time back.

So with the new year here, there is also a new year resolution. It is only recently that I have decided on my new year resolution and I will try my best to meet my own expectations. *smiles*

Year 2010 Resolution:
1. Pay more attention and not to fall asleep in class. *this is a little challenging because books ain't my best friends at all.

2. Study REAL HARD for my upcoming mock tests in march and exams in may. *i don't wanna repeat another year.

3. Increase Seimpi Parkway student enrolment by 50 students by the end of May. *awesome right? i'm referring to net intake meaning including termination.

4. Get myself a suitable auditing job and free my weekends for rest and play. *not quite possible at the moment but still trying.

5. Lose at least 5kg by the end of the year. *since i've stopped bowling means no more exercising, i'd better watch my weight and figure. besides it's pretty manageable.

6. To learn at least 3 more pieces of new piano songs from my teachers. *i have already conquered [i'll be there by jackson 5]. now attempting [everything i do by bryan adams].

7. Be a nice person. *although i'm always nice :)

I think that's all to it. Maybe I should add something like learning how to cook and etc... but on second thought i'd better not list that down because the probability of me doing that is nearly impossible. The other things is i want to travel. But then again, it is not possible because my schedule is always so tight and i'm always so busy. Having said that, perhaps it is time for me to do some catching up with some of my old friends. It has been a while since i last comunicate with them. Wonder how are they doing now.

It is also time for the few of us to go sentosa for a break, go sing k after harping on it for so long and never once really get it done, go play l4d2 and make a fool of ourselves and probably can hear steffi cursing and swearing, and play mahjong since we have talking about it and it never came true.

exams are coming... are coming... are coming.. exams are coming... and i'm so not nervous. that is not really a good sign. I am getting anxious because i am not anxious about my exams. *sigh* Really need to start to motivate myself a bit more to study harder. She-na Ganbatte! Fighting!

Renri no Eda

2010-01-07T02:07:00.002+08:00

Manga: Renri no Eda
Genre: Josei, Tragedy, Romance, Drama
Status: Complete

My thoughts:
It has been so long since I last read such a good manga. Although the previous one that I read Cappuccino wasn't too bad as well. Nonetheless, I would say this is one of those mangas that I have read that could touch my heart so much that I cried while reading it. This just shows how awesome this manga is.

Seriously, this turns out better than I have expected. I was quite hestitant on reading it at first but looking at the ratings and it has only 4 chapters, I've decided to give it a try and I didn't regret reading it. It seems and looks so real that I can imagine the feelings the character feels inside me. I really couldnt stop my tears.

Now the storyline. Although it is a japanese artist but the story revolves around koreans. Amazing isn't it?
It talk about this charming playboy who brokes many girls heart, and couldnt stop going after for more girls since many couldnt resist his charm at all. Until this one faithful day, he met this girl at a bustop near a hospital and decided to pick her up.

He tried very hard in his very own ways to win this lady's heart only gradually to find himself falling deeply in love with her. He would do silly things just to make her smile at him. However, no matters how hard he tries, she never gives in and only insists to be friends. But that doesn't make him back down for her really loves her so much.

When he finally got her, the doctor who is in charge of his physical check up after his minor incident, break the news to him that he has a tumor near his heart and his life expectancy is short. He drives him into a corner so bad that he decided to break up with the lady but ended up finding out that she has lung problems and her days are numbered as well.

Despite knowing that their time together is short, the lady cut all contacts with him and even moved out from the hospital she is currently staying so as to avoid seeing him. He who really could not let go of this relationship after knowing his and her's condition, went through great lengths just to see her again. She finally agreed to start a relationship with him

Time is short but he manages to give her everything that she always wanted yet seems to be out of reached. They experienced happy moments and doing crazy things. Until the very end, he could not tell her that he has a tumor and has intended to hide it and to never let her know his condition. Because of his love for her, he does not wants to add on any worries since he has personally experienced how scary can death be and he doesnt want to put her through this again.

However, he never expected that the doctor in charge would break the news to her without him knowing. After she died, she left a telemessage that has preset it to be sent out after she passed away, in the message holds her final words, her feelings, and everything else that she knew and never told him about, including his condition.

That's how the story beautifully ended. It shows not only love between them but also their friends who constantly has been their support until the very end and how important friends are. Its no wonder that there a saying goes "forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest". Indeed, their love is sweet and say yet strong and firm. It is a really recommended manga to read.

Sudden Thoughts About Myself

2010-01-05T23:13:00.003+08:00

Recently I have been having and doing random things. I suddenly feel like updating my CV which stands for curriculum vitae, which also means resume. Also, I have the sudden thought of changing my job. And having the sudden urge to study for my exams which is in May. Last but not least, I have the sudden thought that I should only get a boy friend after I turn 25. How cool is that.

I have been hearing many things from my friends around me, be it younger, older or of the same age. With this I have finally come to a conclusion and I am going to stand firm on it and promise not to waver anymore and that is I will and ONLY WILL get a boyfriend after I turn 25. Why? Now I tell you why.

Unlike some of friends who are the fortunate ones, they already have a stable relationship with their boyfriends and its just a matter of time when they settle down. As for me, I somehow seems to have a little bad experience with guys. More like, I don't really have a very good memory of them.

Of all aspects in my life, I can overcome hardships in work, study and bowling. But the only thing I have been always very weak in is relationship. Seriously, I am not very good with that and as a result I would always prefer to end up as good friends. The harmony and balance that I don't want to break. Friendship is the everlasting one. But having said that, it doesn't mean that I ran away from all my encounters, its just that I have not truly met one whom I will go head over heels for.

As you can see, I am not someone any guy can match up with. Not like I'm saying that I'm damn high up or what, but in terms of character, I can never play the role of an injured deer or rabbit that always needed some one to be my support. Neither will I wail or whine to get my way. So basically I'm not anyone's typical girlfriend to start with. Oh yes, I understand that.

I always thought that I am strong and can walk down my life alone not getting into any relationship or whatsoever, until one of those days where I always pour my troubles onto my friends on our long journey home, she told me that no matter how strong or independent a woman may be, at some point in time when you're feeling down or when somethine bad happens and you really need a shoulder to cry on, you will realise how important your partner is. She even questioned me asking if I want to cry alone when that time comes.

To be honest, I probably will call up some close friends of mine and let my heart out if that time really comes that I would break down that badly. I hope that times like this wouldn't come and I don't want it to come either. Because the only time I can think of that I would reach that state, has only one scenario and I don't wish to mention it here.

It is only recently that I have come to realise and notice that I am indeed getting mature in my mentality. Guess it is true when those elderly tells you that as you grow older you will start to understand things that all along you have been very stubborn about. That I cannot deny.

From the day I have decided to go into accounting, I have aimed to be a career woman and of course at that point in time I am fully aware of the consequences many career women faced. That is they have no one who could stand beside them as their partner and they are destined to walk down the path of life alone with no support at all. I understand that and also willing to make that sacrifices. But now, I'm thinking a bit slightly different from then.

All along, I have modelled after my father in career wise and I want to have the same awareness as my mother that my father is lacking. Generally I want to inherit both my parents good points and put these characteristics into mine. To mould myself to be an independent and relaible girl to a point where my parents can not worry about me anymore. I have always kept that image in me. Up till today, I am not anywhere near my father nor my mother. I don't have the wisdom my father has nor do I have the precision my mother has. I only start to see this in the recent years after many many things happened.

At the same time when I want to be strong, I was weak too but fortunately I always have my parents there for me to walk through anything and everything and for me, they have always been strong and firm. As for me, I'm still as timid as ever and couldn't really do anything on my own or rather for my own's sake. But that's all there is to me isn't it? That's kinda sad if you think about it.

So you see, I am neither here nor there now and this really makes things a little complicated comapred to my secondary school days where I have only two worries, studies and bowling and nothing else matters. If you were to ask me what made me change my mindset, I couldn't tell you exactly what is it but probably I would say from life experiences and that I am really not young anymore.

I look around my friends, especially guys, who once told me to be their girlfriend, and I look at the lives they have been living up till now, and some has gotten themselves a wonderful girlfriend I hope. So much for all the love letters back in school days and all the promises made, they are lovely aren't they? Yes, I couldn't deny that and with so much changes around us, it forces me to think that age has really catch up with me and soon enough I will be stepping into another world so different from mine now.

With all these going round and round in a never ending cycle, I feel that a person's mind and heart would probably by most stable when you reach 25 and above. Be it a male or female. 25 is like the breaking age where some how or somewhere along the line, emotionally more stable and more sensible in many things. Although I my sound every positive here, trust me, I have very little confidence in guys. That's one reason why I always go running to my three female friends, even though one of them is not really reliable, to pour and consult my worries. I bet they are damn frustrated with me and find me annoying. (they are fsm, ts, sml) *smiles*

Now with my new resolution in mind, I hope that I can help myself to reduce some troubles and worries because I know myself some times I can get too carried away and I should open up my view a little more. To accept things and situation that I am not comfortable with or to recall back what it used to be like back in those days where I enjoyed my life the most. I have decided to set m heart all out on studies and my career. Relationship will come later and I will not go look for it. Neither will I go around pondering over anybody whether will he be my Mr. Right.

Also, I hope my mother could stop nagging and harping on this issue. But then again, I can never really run away from it isn't it? Well, guess I will need to face my mother head on and tell her straight out what I have planned out for my life for the time being while the future is still being subjected to changes. LOL. I really hop ethat my resolution can help me pull through this stage that I am in.

So that you know, at my age is actually one of the most dangerous stage in part of the growing up. Because now that you are legally an adult and that you have to be responsible for your own actions. Innocent and naiveness does not really apply anymore and ignorant won't help you to get out of trouble. Worst still, people my age are usually reckless, rushing for don't know what reasons, curious about adult life, gets into complicated relationship and making serious mistakes in life.

At the end of the day, I wish I could stay the way I am and at the same time grow to become a better person in life. I am not here on this Earth by chance, I am here for a reason. For a good reason I hope. I hold my own fate, my own destiny and paint the picture I want and colour my life the way I want it. To know that I will never regret in any decisions I made, and to live my day to the fullest. I must build myself to be a stronger person in mind and to have more self-discipline.

Having that all said, can I really do it? Sigh... ... ... ...

Screw it, I can do it :)

Faith is taking the first step when you cannot see the whole staircase.

Just Like This

2010-01-03T09:32:00.002+08:00

Another year has gone by and now thinking back to all those time again, it all felt like it was just yesterday. Although a new year is here, everything still remains unchanged. I am still working my ass off on weekends, and studying my brains off for my exams; some time around in May which means it's around the corner.

Like the previous year, we gathered at Jolin's pub for countdown and celebration of the new year. We had an after party at wee's house until six in the morning and I was dead tired. I went back shower and 'plop' to sleep. Oh I forgot someone, greg stayed over at my place. And so here I am on a Sunday in my office working and feeling sleepy.

The start of the year was not as bad as last year but I wouldn't say that it started well too. I made a couple of mistakes at work and my co-workers have to cover my ass for that and today, I have collected the wrong amount of fees. demoralizing isn't it? It's just the start of the year, first few days of work and troubles keep pouring in.

Despite all these, I had fun at Kawai's 20th party last night. It was damn awesome and it felt like it was her 21st instead. but damn it, she'a young so still 20. I hope she doesn't read my blog if not I'm going to get it from her. lol.

Also, steffi has been harping on her bf forever but oh well as long as she's happy with it, as a friend that is the only thing i can do i guess. Then you know something, I just cutted my finger this morning with a pen knife. F-ing pain can. doo doo back side. it's quite deep some more. it couldnt stop bleeding for a few minutes.

omg i'm so damn sleepy...i wanna sleep now now now....but working zzzzzzz

To Drown Myself

2009-12-14T02:36:00.002+08:00

Suffocated?! not really, but true enough i have been under the weather lately. i could feel it myself as well. Maybe i just want to lay low for a while but on the other hand, so much so that i want to be left alone, at the same time i want to have some one to accompany. don't ask me why because i don't even have the answers myself.

Manga: Hapi Mari. felt that it was a good manga. talking about life and marriage. well, it seems like the latter does not really apply to me but i feel that i couldnt trust this but also want to have a try. playing with fire, ain't i?

i shall continue to indulge myself with manga and 2d imaginery friend.

What has become of me?

2009-12-12T17:07:00.003+08:00

So many things weighing on my mind. I'm exhausted. Truthfully, I cannot seem to find any drive to do anything, be it for my work, bowling, music or even studies. Wonder where did my motivation went to.

Work, of course is not as smooth sailing as it seems. Recently it seems that I have been making many mistakes here and there. For example coming late by 30mins for work, did not clean my centre properly and that Karen (head of operations) said that Parkway is in a mess and dusty, questioned me how come I did not put up the lyrics for the Christmas prom finale song, questioned my attitude in the morning when I refuse the bring the spoilt metronoume back to Parkway and some more I cannot recall now.

Sandra mentioned something me being proactive in my work or somewhere along that line. Proactice she says. What can i say boy? i cannot really say that i'm right but i also cannot prove her wrong either. Damn, this is work and it is my job to do so. Should i resign now? or stay till June and hit her target to prove her wrong and leaves? But what does that shows? i'm capable? Sandra, you've underestimated me? You've got me all going at your finger tips? Human, just simply creates trouble for themselves. i wish for the world to end now.

But have they ever thought that I went out of my way to collect keys from Siewmei just to open the door at Funan on such short notice? Have they ever considered some times I would willing to help travel from centre to centre just to transfer some books or to collect books? Sometimes, people just take things for granted. Despite having said that, i am not anywhere better off.

Recently old flame just got attached. So much for saying he'll never consider any other girls, at the end of the day, all man are the same. They would always choose the easiest way out. Well i don't blame him and it's not like i love him anyway. Just reflecting. Do i sound like i regretted? oh boy, i don't. it just makes me feel that males, we cannot trust them easily. So sick and tired with them, BUT, i don't swing that way!

Life is short, beautiful yet sad in so many ways. i want to be strong and versatile. i want to prove myself yet at the same time i don't want to show off. i want to lead but also to follow. Say, life is strange isn't it? i went to have a small pep talk with a few of my colleagues, and they told me not to give up and not to feel depressed because of whatever happened in life and work. Everywhere you go, there bound to have problems as such. You can never run away from it.

i'm feeling frustrated now.

End Of The Year Syndrome

2009-12-05T14:02:00.002+08:00

Recently, it seems that I have encountered quite a number of people with very weird attitude. Perhaps it is towards the end of the year and everyone's mood is a bit at the low end because of the sudden work load that has been piling up. To be honest, I am equally stressed up as well.

When the month of December it's around the corner, I often experience mixed emotions. I'm happy because it's festive seasons, but on the other hand, work load has doubled and life has been a little miserable especially I have just completed my Half Mock test earlier this week. Also, December means that my final exams are around the corner. Tell me that I'm so dead.

Besides, not too long ago, I had this sudden urge of resigning from my current work. Frankly speaking, this environment that I am working in is really very chaotic. There is not one proper system and sometimes things can really get way out of hand. Some times I really wonder when the management have all the time to find fault with you on small errors, why don't they use this same amount of time to do something more productive?

I am not too sure myself whether in the near future will I be like them. But seriously, I am tired. very tired. Maybe cause I'm getting old. *smiles* But I'm always young at heart. Well, I guess the only way to brighten up my day is to indulge myself with animes and mangas. Speaking about mangas, I am running out of mangas to read. I'm looking for something more touching to the heart. Maybe I should start reading forums.

*Sigh* If I'm really that bored, maybe I should start studying for real. My goodness, I seriously do not wish to flank my final year now that I am already half way there. I need to buckle up and work hard. Like seriously work hard for my study. Afterall, I have more time now since "idiots & Jokers" no longer takes up my time and I really need to fully utilize my precious time.

Time passes by so fast. For those people who always find themselves bored and wants to find something to kill time, please think again, before you knew it, time is actually silently kiling you and not the other way round. Jeez, tell me is this a sign of old age? Probably. *smiles*

Right now, my current situation is that I am standing at a cross road, thinking where and which path should I take. What I really want and I know that I really need more self-discipline. I also need more self-motivation. I hope that one day I could become a millionaire overnight and do all the things that I want. For example, buying an acoustic piano for my leisure learning and also keeping my gu-zheng for a change time to time. I want to have lovely dogs that will always be there for me when I'm sad and also with my parents who will retire and no need to work and enjoy travelling around the world. That's too much of an ideal scenario isn't it? *laugh* But seriously, I want that kind of life. Soon enough I realised that it is not quite possible in Singapore.

Anyway, need to get back to work and damn the CCTV that's going to be watching me for the next 24/7 of my time here and my nightmare will start next tuesday. Life is going to interesting. The first step to believing is having faith.

What if?

2009-11-26T01:11:00.002+08:00

2012 is a movie that talks about dooms day, which also means the end of the world. when mankind is facing a threat of being extinct. the graphics are really fantastic and spectacular. seriously. its a good show that i don't feel that i've wasted my money on it.

this movie is like a wake up call to all human beings who are still alive right now. to treasure and look at things from another perspective. seriously, i have no idea what i want to do when the world really comes to an end. maybe, just stay with my family would be all that i ask for. to stay alive? that would be a miracle and it can only happens when you have the luck, information, connection and resources.

life is so fragile, so short.

speaking about life, i so tired of everything right now. all these just keeps troubling me and i really wanted a break. getaway from everything and lead a life with no worries, no troubles and just to enjoy every single second of my life.

perhaps if i start to let it go one by one, i would probably feel better. sigh.

New manga

2009-11-17T02:17:00.002+08:00

hey peeps, just read this damn funny manga...lol...it's called Power...should go and read iit..couldnt stop laughing...

it really brightens up my day for sure :)

Entertain me more than you should

2009-11-13T22:10:00.002+08:00

Had this hilarious interview with *you know you know* today. what a bad day to choose, it's friday the 13th. well, couldnt get any better, was caught in the rain for 15 mins and I ended eating Mr. Bean for lunch while waiting for the rain to subside.

They told me I was given a chance merely because they might need to use me for next year end major games. They are expecting me to be of their service when there is a need for them to call for me. well said. but this time round, i don't give a damn to whatever plans you guys have for me. bull crap.

funny isn't it? they told me that they wiill not only up the training fees next year, but also will do some re-arrangements to the co-share. it's no longer a refund of co-share once you qualify for masters, it depends on the magnitude of the tournament. they may even make it so that you have to finish a certain position in the FINALS to get your REFUND of the CO-SHARE. tell me, should i cry or laugh? but i find it laughable in many ways.

besides, they said people been complainiing about the 20% tax. well, they said that they even thought of reversing the situation. we pay all the full amount and if we win, they will give us 20% or more. well, wonder if they have brains, anyway, they don't have one to start with.

the day *you know you know* implement this, no one would want to join them anymore. we could get full sponsorship from somewhere else. and what happens to this supposedly a non-profit organization? have they ever wonder that they are speaking to a person who takes business?! what's more accounting and auditing. you've got to be kidding me. they think too full of themselves. which they have always been anyway.

and they made some unnecessary comparison. and i kinda shoot them with my "HRM" knowlegde. thank goodness i attended class today. so my memory is still kinda fresh. what nonsense are they spouting. comparing us to the westerners. you've got to be joking. our culture is not even the same with theirs to start with. don't be ridiculous people.

they told me so many jokes today. now that i'm thinking whether should i bowl for the upcoming event. because they say, no money no play. oh well, i'll just have to see what kind of faces they are going to show me. forget about the major, forget about Ovaltine, forget about everything. I'll take the ride and go off on my own.

felt so empty now that i no longer have so many commitments. was thinking of completing my music. after i stopped at grade 4, maybe i should continue to grade 8. not too bad an idea. music does not segregate age, gender or nationality. passion lies within the listener and how the listener interprets the music piece.

somehow, although i said that i felt empty but at the same time this feeling is also a sign of relief. finally, after many years of struggling, debating, anticipating, hoping, arguing, feeling disappointed and agony. i have put a stop to all these once and for all. like a stone lifted from my chest, i have truly given up hope on them.

i'm amused myself to think that i have stayed with them for so long. speaking about commitment, i had it compromise with other factors. i don't regret doing it but still will feel the ache. it's okay, it's just like a heartbreak. time heal. when i get too busy, i may eventually forget that i'ma bowler. I will be a successful person in my field of work. and show that i have not wasted my youth days for nothing.

i had my fun, laughter and sad moments. it's alright. this journey took me longer than it should. i'm tired. am not going to embark on this journey anymore. but to my friends from the same circle as me, i would certainly hope that even when i'm no longer with the organization, we are still friends who hangs out, have fun, talk cock, sing k, eat steamboat, play mj and party till we drop.

what a tiring day i had.

New manga

2009-11-09T03:44:00.002+08:00

Hi peeps. just read thiis manga which is damn good...The Change!

to know more about the plot pls visit my other anime and manga world webbie!!

OMG!!! SO FUNNY!!!

Picking up pieces of myself

2009-11-04T23:26:00.003+08:00

Hi peeps! I'm back from my nepal trip quite a few days ago but have been too busy recently and lazy as well, so didnt have the time to blog. I haven't even tag my photos yet, sigh, will do that soon.

Anyway, I want to Kathmandu and Pokhara in Nepal. Nice place with splendid view and scenery. Snowy moutains, beautiful sunrise and cooling weather helps me to feel refreshed as well as relaxed. Never really felt like this before back in Singapore since the day I stepped into adulthood. Sounds old. But true enough, i'm not young anymore.

Well, before the trip some stuff happened. Something I felt so embarrased about and something I felt super ashamed of myself. Fell for the same old trick, same old trap, same old me. Fuck! well, I don't really want to mention names but what happen is some modelling agent approached me, took pictures and videos, signed a "contract" and gave him a $100. Now, i'm on his web.

Well, I reap what I sow even though i regretted so badly after that. I really hated myself for that. I emailed and smsed him and ask for the removal of my media but he simply refuses and instead ask for a matchplay against me. a bowling of 3 games and winner call the shot. I asked him to fuck off.

Apparently I am still on his website and I am still bugging him to remove my profile. It boils down to the point that I really hated myself. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking back then. It's a shame that I never learn my lesson. I swear that I will never give a second thought to this kinda thing anymore. I still hate myself for that. Until the day he decides to take down my profile, I don't think I could forgive myself.

Sound serious right? It is. No joke.

Now that i'm being thrown back to reality, bowling sucks. yea, screw them. Besides I have been neglecting my studies so its about time i start picking it up. I still hate myself. Sigh.

I really hope that the stupid, brainless, idiotic, fucked up and annoying bastard, faggot, moron, asshole would remove my profile. everytime i talk about this, i hated myself even more. Please don't bring this up. I really hated it unless I need to vent my anger.

Casting all these aside, I really enjoyed Kathmandu. no worries, no cellphones, no laptops, no work, no burden. As light as the breeze, as free as the clouds. Although the living condition is very bad, it still feels nice and good to be there.

I want to feel like this again.

Moutain and River

2009-10-21T02:28:00.002+08:00

Finally finish packing my laguage for my 10 days trip to Nepal. I can't wait to get there.

This trip is probably an excuse for me to break away from my "forever so busy" schedule and to have some room to breathe. Also for me to cool my head and seek for guidance for inner peace... *sounds like i'm going to be a nun* lol, Joking.

Anyway, it is true that this trip is for me to clear my head but it is to find the direction that I must take in future. From a career prospective and also in relationship. After reflecting on what I did before on "woodblock" and "old flame", I've realised that all along I have never been true to my own heart. I am avoiding this situation and ended up giving wrong messages to the wrong person.

Alright, MY BAD! So, now i'm going to do my best to salvage what ever I can. Hopefully I still stand a chance. It's not like i'm going to confess or anything but since I plan to leave the bowling circle, I don't think I'll get to see woodblock anymore. Hence, it would be a good opportunity for me to clarify things with woodblock.

I don't know if I stand a chance now for woodblock but at least I would want to know what was his feelings back then. This could at least lighten my heart a little. With this, it's also about time I should make my stand clear for old flame. He may have very good future prospect but he probably won't be able to give me happiness.

Now my question is should I clarify things with woodblock face to face or over the phone? Well, any suggestion? Just for your information, he is a reserved and shy guy. So what would be the best? Another thing to take into consideration is I won't be able to see him anymore after AIA. So How?

Next is should I tell him after his tourny or before? Since it's going to be a trashing session, what would be the best strategy? Sigh.

By the way, I'm really thinking of quitting bowling for good. Probably soon. So people, don't jump or drop your jaws when you hear news like this. I've already given you ample time to prepare your heart. LOL.

I realised that I kinda like woodblock. Like seriously. omg.

It has been a while now

2009-10-09T22:47:00.003+08:00

Well, i realised that i havent been blogging for quite some time for now coz i was really really busy...with work, training and also studying...i'll try to summarise all of it again once i have more time...

New Blog

2009-09-09T22:55:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking for quite a while about creating another blog, link or any online source for my manga and anime review. I find it quite inconvenient to read my own stories plus all my reviews for mangas and animes. Hence, probably I will start something so that readers has the convenient to choose what they want to read.

Will update again.

Sayonara!

how many more times

2009-09-08T00:10:00.002+08:00

shocked. not exactly. i've kinda expected it somehow since today is his birthday. yesterday when i saw the latest event posted on my facebook wall, it stated that it was ***"old flame" birthday. i was contemplating whether should i drop him a birthday message but decided not to because i dont want to mislead him in any possible ways.

but who would expect him to nudge me on msn today and asked how's life. so well, just being nice i said hello and wished him a happy birthday. just a simple happy birthday and nothing else. i kept my sentences and reply short and simple. hopefully we can still be friends after what happen that very saturday night on siewmei's birthday.

he asked about my exams and school so told him that i've gotten busier lately and somehow seems to be running out of time. after which he got disconnected and then he drop me an sms. he said that he still misses me alot and would do whatever it takes to see me again even though he knows that my parents would disagree.

my reply to him was [even though there's no outcome to it al all?] and this is what he replied back [yup, even if there's no outcome to it, i know that i love you and that's a fact i cant deny regardless of whatever outcome...even if i must die, at least i spend my time with you and not worrying how the future's gonna turn out]

omg, his sms sounds damn serious. and my reply to him was to sleep early dun think too much and good night. am i cruel? now i'm thinking whether right from the start should i even reply to his messages.

at this point of time i wished i could talk to siewmei or maylou about this since they are the only ones who know about the whole story. but i couldnt find them online. i thought of talking to steffi, but she's not online either.

this is where i need to tell myself to solve your own problems and stop depending on others. i really don't know how to deal with this situation. who can really understand how my heart feels now. really. i dont even know where to start looking at the root of this problem.

i need to start to calm my mind, and heart to look at a clearer picture. to judge from a third person's point of view. i need to solve this problem on my own. how?

i want some answers.

***note people, someone pointed it out to me the other time about this. well, when i said old flame, it doesnt mean he was someone i used to date or something. it's just a reference for me to call him by names. because at that point of time i couldn't think of any other suitable names, that's why i used "old flame" as a representative for this person. So, please do not mistaken him as someone who is really an old flame. thanks peeps.

Naughty Me!

2009-09-04T00:31:00.002+08:00

as usual, my day today is as long as ever but despite my long and tiring day, i'm looking forward for this coming weekend.

saturday, csc gang is going to have a farewell party for clement tan because he is going to NS soon. to train himself to be a better man =) but they have league till late and party will only start after that which is about 10pm plus. now, i'm contemplating whether shld i go or not. sigh.

plus, on the fb invitation, the organizer didnt invite me. it was a last min invitation by wee wee. well, maybe they didn't want me to be there. lol. okay, she-na stop jumping into conclusion. well, we'll see how things goes :)

sunday will be a steamboat days with siewmei and maylou. super looking forward to that. wanna gossip with them more and enjoy some girl's talk with them...we'll be having our dinner at bugis. if it's good, steffi and gang, next time i'll bring all of u there to eat...whack!

hanayouseisama wa 16-sai is a dissapointment. they translate halfway here and there. makes my reading so screwed up. wish i could read jap but too bad i can only understand by hearing. damn it. why can't the translator do a better job. i'm referring to a manga by the way in case if you are wondering what i'm blabbering about.

finished watching shaman king AGAIN. so now i kinda wanna read their manga. wants to know what happen next coz i highly doubt they will have a season 2 for that anime. although i thought it was a pretty good anime just that there are some parts here and there are missing. IMPT parts especially.

well, i'm tired. wanna sleep. good night peeps!

what a crazy day I had

2009-09-02T01:02:00.002+08:00

Now, where should I start talking about it... ... ...
I guess it all started with my morning class. well, i'm supposed to have Audit lessons today at 9.30am and when i reach there, the lessons was cancelled because my lecturer called in the morning and reported sick. wasted my trip and my precious sleep. Neverming about that, so I decided to ga back hone and continue my sweet dreams.

At around 11.00am to 12noon, i recieved a couple of smses from Siewmei and Maylou telling me that our exam results are out. But because i was too tired, i didnt bother to check until i started hearinh unplesant news.

Went downstairs to the bookshop to get the Aural Test Scores binded as requested by one of the teachers. While waiting, it suddenly rain like cats and dogs. So, i was kinda stuck there for like 10mins of so until the rain kinda subsided a bit before heading home.

After i reach home, checked my results, i cabbed down to work. Bought Mac for lunch and to my horror, i forgot to bring my office keys. Well done Ong She-Na. So i had to cab home and cab back to my office... Today, Comfort Taxi earned quite a bit from me. Congratulations.

Next, I bought Old Chang Kee for breakfast and the aunty thought that I was a secondary school student and gave me discount. well, that's very nice of her and so I accepted her offer. LOL. that's the good thing that happened today.

Oh yea, another thing is i passed my second year uni and everything went smoothly. That's good. although some of my friends didnt get through it as smoothly as i did, there are really many of my friends who took UOL failed at least one module. Damn, i'm super lucky.

And, my keyboard, the "I" button came off. tried putting it back but the key does not stick to the stick anymore. so right now as i type, the "I" buttons keeps coming off and sometimes it doesnt receive the message.

anyway, i forgot what i wanted to say coz i'm damn tired now. Oyasumi nasai.

waiting and time passes by

2009-08-30T01:03:00.002+08:00

while i was trying to find something to do to kill time, unknowingly and without realising it, time is sliently killing me. i'm waiting. waiting for monday to come and that i can get to celebrate teachers' day with some of my colleagues.

i'm waiting. waiting for tuesday to come. the release of my 2nd year uni results. probably i should start training my own heart before i collapse with a heart attack upon receiving my results. speaking about this, i realized that i don't even know how are they going to release the results to us. lol.

i'm waiting. waiting for wednesday to come so that my favourite anime Bleach and 07-Ghost will upload the next episode. super looking forward to it as this is the only thing that brightens up my long, tiring, boring, routined day. i would love to drown myself in all of my animes.

i'm waiting. waiting for thursday which is also the day that the fansub group will release the new episode for my another all time favourite anime, Naruto Shippuuden. if i didn't remember wrongly, think the next movie for shippuden is coming out. hopefully it will be out soon, i simply love this anime so much :)

i'm waiting. waiting for friday to come because i love to attend my new HRM class. HRM is in short for Human Resource Management. Love this class cause my lecturer is so funny. I also enjoyed my tuesday class very much, audit may be the most boring subject but i have the most funniest lecturer to entertain us in class. i feel so blessed with good teachers.

i'm waiting. waiting for saturday to come. to see all my lovely and friendly colleagues at work and they will teach and give me some pointers to me for piano playing. i'm slowly learning how to play some piano pieces. getting in touch with my artistic side.

i'm waiting. waiting for sunday because it is the last day of the week and i can get my full day rest the next day. arhhhhh, how nice. i would love to pamper myself in my bed with my comfy blanked, lavender pillow and my stuffed animal, narnia. actually, i've got a second name for my stuffed animal, yato. eh, sounds nice?

so before i knew it, another week is gone and the same thing will repeat itself again until maybe next year april i might get another new set of routine to do. god knows whether is it a good or a bad thing to push myself this much. but one thing i know is, i'm doing things that i love. studying, training and working. at the end of the day, it is how u feel about things that is important.

well, for the long-run. i'm waiting for my another all-time favourite manhwa "the bride of the water god" to upload its next chapter. i'm so super duper ultra looking forward to it but it seems that the translator is trying to be funny by keeping their readers in suspence. it's torturing me.

sigh. here comes my boring life. thank goodness i have my animes and mangas to add some colours to my life.

guess this is like another random post. again.

say, my blog is nice isn't it?

Random-ness

2009-08-29T00:48:00.002+08:00

I was quite disappointed that my Bleach template got kinda screwed up since it was one of my favourite template and so with this, i've decided that i should get a cooler template. Where there's a will, there's a way and i've found a damn COOL TEMPLATE.

I really love this current template i have...it's awesome! like cool to the max! and i did a little editing to my cbox. and added some effect here and there. i'm starting to like my blog more now. But i have a problem is that, i wanna add a gif image on my blog. the one that i showed on my cbox. That webby has a naruto gif image on the bottom left of the webby. I have that gif image but how do i go about inserting that into my blog. That's a tough nut to crack.

But if possible i want it up on my blog...don't you think it's damn damn damn awesome!!! i'm so fascinated with my own blog now...felt kinda satisfied and all...

Anyway, putting all these happy happy feelings. MY RESULTS WILL BE OUT THIS COMING TUESDAY. jeez. dooms day. better enjoy now while i have the mood. CHUI. hopefully i can pass every damn thing. argh!!!! WHERE'S MY QC DURING MY MUGGING PERIOD MAN! if only have put in a little more hard work, i probably do not need to worry now.

I want tuesday to faster come and also dun come so fast. Irony. i know. sigh. anyway, before dooms day, seimpi music is gonna celebrate teacher's day. GUESS WHAT. we will be watching "the proposal" at Great World City, CATHAY GOLD CLASS cinema. served my lunch some more. Cool hor. I also say. I'll be going down with siewmei but unfortunately, we have to wake up damn early.

We need to be there at like 10.00am so you can imagine what time i have to wake up inorder to reach there on time. if only i have supernatural power such as teleportation. then, i'll never be late for anything. ain't that amazing? yea, that's highly impossible anyway, unless i'm night crawler. LOL. i dun want to be nightcrawler also.

Oh yea, readers, when u have nothing to do..you can feed my fish for me...ain't they cute?? if only it's a dog or something...hahaha oh mayve fyulong from 07 ghost. you know you know, that small little dragon looking pet that always follow Teito around and it's name is Mikage. It's so damn cute can.

Oh damn, i wish i live in an anime world. it's full of amazing and unexpected things. but that means i'm fantasizing. sigh. sigh.

ALrights, it's getting late and i need to turn in soon since i've got to work tmr morning. and i got a feeling my eyesight is starting to detoriates.omg. save me. someone. i need to start to stare at more trees and grass.

Mood: Happy yet sad and annoyed

2009-08-25T00:26:00.003+08:00

I'm happy because one of my favourite manga that i've been waiting for them to update since last year has finally complete updating. It's Kiss/Hug. A nice and beautiful romantic story that doesn't seem real but something i simply enjoy reading.

Another reason why i'm happy because i've finally get to go to facial today as we have been postponing our appointment from the start of the month to the end of the month. Amazing isn't it?

I happy also because Vampire Knight, 07 Ghost and Shiawase Kissasanchoume has been updated recently. I have always been looking forward to read their manga and now they are keeping me in suspence. Wonder how long more do i need to wait until their next update. Sigh.

I'm happy also because i've been searching for this song for damn long and i've finally got my hands on it. =) it's hitomi no kotae by Noria. it's the ending theme for 07-ghost anime. Super Duper nice. Got addicted to that song.

Next, I'm annoyed because i happily bought some bread and pastries home and mother was making a big fuss out of it. Saying that do not anyhow buy breads and pastries from any random shops because they don't handle them properly and how cockroaches and ants end up inside the pastries. Also she said that i bought so many; 3 piglets, one chocolate cake, 1 coconut bun, there's no place for her to store these useless food. She said that we could throw it away but it's a watse of money. And because of the bread and pastries i bought, she said it took up do much space on our dinning table that she has to store the chin chow she brewed in the refrigerator. Okay, i got the message now. Next time, i wouldnt buy bread and pastries back. Besides, i wounldnt have the chance to do that for i'm starting school tomorrow and from this week onwards till end of the year, she would only be able to see me at home after 9pm every week days and after 7pm on weekends, provided if i dun go out after my work. So she dun have the chance to nag at me anymore. To a certain extend, i told myself that it's a good thing to keep myself busy. So my conclusion is, the lesser time i spend at home, the lesser trouble i'll get with my mother, the lesser the argument will result in a happier living environment. Now to come to think about it, i think she is the reason why i occupy myself to this extend.

I'm sad because one of the anime that i've been chasing was suddenly licensed and i cant get to watch it anymore. It's hanasakeru Seishounen. Omg, that's how sad can. I was so looking forward to it and now they're telling me that they've decided to license it. I'm just so sad. Sigh.

I'm sad also because after school starts, i barely have time to watch anime or read manga. i need to buck up on my school work and to do revision. Sigh. I wish i could spend more time on my animes and mangas. it's my alternative source of relaxation other than sleeping and slacking.

Okay, i realised that this is just another random post again. i should hurry up and go to sleep since my class tomorrow is at 9.30am.

Manga Review: Koi, Hirari

2009-08-18T03:30:00.001+08:00

Manga: Koi, Hirari
Genre: Romance, Shoujo, School life, Drama
Status: Completed. 12 Chapters

General Feel:
If you have read backstage prince before, this manga similiar to that. However, this has more heart-warming scenes that tickles your heart. A little unique from Backstage Prince something worthwhile reading.

Story:
It says about this young girl, Misaki Sumire, met her first love during her first winter back in her mother's hometown. It was New Year's eve when she met this young man, Kasuki, who happens to be a very famous traditional japanese dancer from a very famous dancing school.

That unexpected meeting has brought these 2 young people together and because of the difference in family background, they have made obstacles after obstacles. With a strong rivalry, Kasuki's younger brother, Haruka, it adds on to the diffculties this pair young lover is facing.

With all the commotion, public pressure, fiancees, rivalry and the main aspect of this story, which is the heart. How much would either parties willing to sacrifice so that the other party need not suffer. What trials they have to go through to achieve approval and blessings from everyone.

Please read them if you have the time.
If you like backstage prince, you would like this too. I've learnt something from this manga. About the treatment to someone who is precious to you. Well, I kinda feel that it's quite true to a certain extend.

Hope It Ends...And It Starts With Me...

2009-08-17T02:04:00.003+08:00

Saturday...another long day for me. Had work in the morning till evening as usual and headed out to Siewmei's 21st birthday party at Aranda. Although i didnt buy her any presents, cause i really don't know what to buy, treated her to lunch on Wednesday as her present. That's probably the most sincere present i could give.

Anyway, old flame insisted on picking me up from work and to send me down to siewmei's chalet. Also, he wants to send me home after that. Well, so i took this chance to clarify matters with him. thank goodness he doesn't know that i have a blog.

While in his car on the way to Aranda, he asked how's my day and stuff and told me he kinda missed me. Honestly, that puts me in a damn difficult situation. I felt like i was about to murder some innocent man. Though, he's not that innocent anymore based on what i know and heard about him in the past.

Past may be in the past and we should not bother it too much, however, your past is the one damn good thing that haunts you forever. So even though he may be "nice and innocent" now, it does not deny the fact that he lost it once. That is not very fair for whoever comes after that. If you know what i mean.

Anyway, i did hint him by saying what if i'm not the girl who will walk beside him in the future and also i asked him what would he do if i leave. When a girl says that, it's kinda obvious and i know that he kinda already knows what i'm going to say next. Unfortunately, i've already arrived at Aranda and so i had to get out of the car and to attend the party.

After the party, he came to pick me up as promised and we continued our conversation from there. While driving me back, throughout the entire trip he never once let go of my hand. That puts me in a even more difficult and awkward position because i'm not too sure what am i supposed to do next. Should i brush his hands off? or should i just let him hold on to my hand? what should i do? and bla bla bla...worrying through the journey home.

We had a little chat at my house downstairs and so i told him that it would probably be our last time meeting each other because i wanted to draw the line and maybe we should not contact each other anymore. He kept asking if i could make out some time for him and all he asked was just another dinner or movie. But this time round, i rejected him firmly. no buts, no maybes, no see-hows. I said no.

As when his eyes became teary, i feel so cruel towards him. and it was then i couldnt tell him straight that he is not the man i truly want to be with. Because somewhere out there, whenever something happens, woodblock would surface in my mind. I know that's bad. But i can't help it. That is when i realised that old flame is really not the one for me.

I wanted to be honest for once, with old flame. like telling him whatever i said on my blog. Like how i don't feel the love from him and somehow some where doesn't feel quite right despite the fact that i know him for like 7 to 8 years. Also, he may have good career prospect and he may be able to provide me for my life **from a realistic point of view**, but i don't feel like being part of the picture with him.

My heart doesnt skip a beat when i'm with him. Maybe at first sight, my heart beats a little faster than usual. But after a while, i tend to worry instead of enjoying my time with him. When he held my hand, thoughts like "shit, what am i supposed to do now?" , "what if someone saw us?" , "should i push him away?" , "will i hurt his pride?" , "i dun want this" and etc... will come across my mind.

But that doesnt happen when it was with woodblock. I'm not using woodblock as my excuse to push old flame away. It's just that somehow, i dun feel right with old flame. Also, it's not like i'm expecting something out of woodblock. Eventually, i may find a better guy than him and i will move on in life and i may forget what woodblock has done for me.

That aside, after getting off the car and ignoring him. He smsed me and told me that he would probably need some time to get over me and also, honestly he would do anything for us to be together. Tell you what, i didnt reply his sms. Am i doing the right thing? hope i did. don't want to mislead him or anything.

Time will heal. I hope it does. For him and for myself. I just hope that school can hurry start, training can hurry resume. So that I can keep myself busy and not think about anything. Not about old flame, not about woodblock. I just want to focus on my studies, bowling and work. Hang out with friends to chill. Mahjong. Sing K. Eat steamboat. Play L4D. or anything. gathering.

Relationship is troublesome. I knew that long ago. I shouldnt have bothered myself with all these unnecessary things at the moment, when i have other better things to do. Really. What have i gotten myself into. I brought this upon myself. If only, i hadnt gone out with him. Well, it's too late for that now. So, just be a little wiser next time. RUN, when you can see it coming.

Manga Review: Tsuki no Shippo

2009-08-14T19:40:00.000+08:00

Manga: Tsuki no Shippo
Genre: Historical, Romance, Martial arts, Drama, Shoujo, Comedy, Adventure
Status: Completed. 105 Chapters.

Story:
Usagi is a child from a famous ninja village and her grandpa and great-grandpa were well known shinobi as well. However, she doesn't seem to inherit their genes and could not even be qualified as a shinobi. Despite that, she is a herbalist. Someone who is good at mixing medicine.

Her first mission was to go to Iga, another village and marry the leader of the village to bear his child. The amiable man is Hanzou. Hanzou is like a perfect man. He has the looks, the skills and the leadership. Everything a woman desire, he has. BUT, he has a problem. He does not want to marry.

It's a story that involves these 2 characters as the main characters of the story. This manga has a good plot when comes to politics play since ninjas are often send to missions such as gathering information, smoking each other and fight each other.

It also involves with a little tragedy because of a war between the villages. And how does the war make a change in every character's life. It complies with Usagi's journy in becoming a herbalist, a shinobi as well as Hanzou's wife. The people she met along the way and the people she lost in battles.

It has happy, sad and frustrating moments when reading this manga.

OMG. SO DEAD.

2009-08-14T02:14:00.001+08:00

To be honest, i'm kinda in a deep pile of shit recently. well, i believe many of you would know that when one shit comes, all the shit would come as well. omg, i'm so dead. perhaps this is my karma. a lesson for me to learnt through the dangerous way. the most dangerous way.

so where should i start talking about it. alright, perhaps it all started out with old flame meeting up and stuff. this could get pretty serious and to make things worst, i've played with fire and burnt myself.

this boy whom i have know him since my teenage years came back asking me out for a dinner. and well, here i though no harm going out for a dinner since it i hadnt been going out much and my social life seems a little boring and dry. this is the point where you could say, trying to start the fire with a match stick. and here it goes.

after dinner and stuff, we talked a bit and till now we still contact each other. and of coz, the meeting didnt end with just the first dinner, we went out for a movie and stuff too. so it pretty seems like a date. at least, that's what i thought too. and this is the point when i realised that under the match stick that i lid, there was a pile of dry grass below it.

so it has been a week already. and after many sms-ing on the phone and stuff. i'm gradually starting to feel frighten by him. in short, i'm afraid of him. he's not a stalker or anything coz he's in army now. i mean he sign on as a regular in the SAF. by saying so, i guess many of you could have already figured out that he has money.

he owns his own car, a tuscani. he has cash and credit card. BUT!!! that's not the point. there was this once serious talk we had and he was talking about OUR future. yes, hear it right, he said OUR FUTURE! omg. die. to be honest. he was never in my picture.

also, since recently i have changed my msn nick complaining about my comp and stuff. he hinted that he wanted to buy a laptop for me, on top of that, it is a macbook. oh yea, you didnt hear or see wrongly again. he said MACBOOK! and guess what it is the MACBOOK PRO!. jeez, at this point of time, my heartbeat almost stop for 5mins. it's not funny.

putting that aside, i was glad that there was this one sms that he mentioned that he feels that it's kinda hard for him to communicate with me. my mood was damn happy. i wish he could call off this whole thing. at this stage, the match stick that i lid, went out and i dispose it into the pile of dried grass.

erm. i dun even know how to describe the status we're in. god damn it. boys sure are trouble. damn big trouble-maker. i'm starting to have phobia against boys. zomg. correction. not boys. phobia against him.yes. HIM!

okay, apart from all these things. he said he wanted to meet my parent. my soul almost went out of my body.yea. for a split second my soul came out of my body and went back in again. for god's sake. what in the world is he thinking. i dont understand. i totally don't understand and dont get it. at this point of time, it feels like the match stick that was supposed to die, found its spark and lid again. this time round, in the pile of dried grass. the fire started.

and so when the fire started. now. i'm starting to find water to put it out. and if i don't find the water in time, i will burn myself. alright, i hate to say this but now i've a few plans on hand. i have to play my cards well and right. on top of that, i can never play this fairly and so cheating is necessary.

i have to get this settled by end of this week. if not, you would probably see my face on the orbiturary page or on my grave engraved on it R.I.P
it may sound serious. because it is serious. if i dun settle it fast. there will be dispute between my mother and i, my father and my mother, my mother and him, and last of all me and his family.

die. so dead. why would this happen at a time like this. why. why. why. tell me why. i thought i could keep my cool. oh well, i am keeping my cool on the surface. yes i am. i'm just venting my frustration here. and i'm glad i did.

during all these times when i'm out with him or texting each other. i know he cared for me. but somehow i don't feel that love at all. somehow it doesnt seem like it is real. it is not something i could put to words but i did some comparison between this old flame and that WOODBLOCK.

of coz i not only compared my old flame with woodblock but also with some other male friends that i know who used to be interested in me and how they approach and what is the feel like. but i can only compare him to woodblock because we have the same denominator here which is me. they are somewhat my type of guys and i had feelings for them.however, a very different type of feel.

woodblock gave me a more real feel. thinking back on those times when we spent toegther during our overseas tourny. somehow i could feel that he may have really cared for me from the bottom of his heart. he meant it. his actions, gestures and words.he meant it.

old flame is more of like a playing feel. although from the time i know him till now, he did mature a lot.trust me, he was damn freaking fugging childish in the past. but that's all in the past and right now he may turn out to be a not a bad guy. having said that, i dont feel anything from him.

a lady's 6th sense is always damn accurate. i'm not being bias here. really. but my heart doesnt tell me that old flame is the man for me. or the guy i want to be in a realtionship with. his actions, gestures or words doesnt seem to be what he wants to say. it feels more like, he is saying it because he knows i want to hear it. it feels like he is rushing it.

woodblock may be irritating at times. sometimes hot sometimes cold. i dont understand what you're thinking as well. nevertheless, those time that i spent with you really felt different. you're honest. straight forward and the feeling you portray is innocent.

taking dinner or lunch for example. the way the two of them talks and the way they acted towards me are so different. old flame cares more about going to a more high class restaurant, not to be embarassed in front of me. woodblock is more of like taking care of what i need. like sharing food with me since i'm indecisive. THAT is the difference.

SMS.woodblock would ask if we're on the right route home. if i would need an umbrella and telling me the weather is going to rain. old flame would ask how's my day. if i miss him or not.not to work so much and burn my weekends off and when can we meet again.erm, people, can you spot the difference?

when we walk.old flame would walk beside me and try to do funny things like hold my hand and stuff. ok, i can understand this part why guys do that. but it is damn not natural. he would try to pace me so that he would have his chance.woodblock would also walk beside me. but he is walking by my side and not BESIDE me. the difference is, woodblock ensures that i wont be walking alone. whereas old flame has an ulterior motive.

look, i'm not speaking up for woodblock. really i'm not. but this is what my feel tells me so. well, all along i'm a very kinestatic person. so feel to me is important. sigh.

that's why i always say, when anything that comes to the heart, it's the most difficult issue to tackle. and to be honest. romance is damn troublesome. relationship is like a burden. after this, i better learn my lesson and stay away from potential harmful males.

actually, it's more of having more self-control and awareness. sometimes it's not good to let your heart overpower your brain. there are times where you brain has to lead your heart to make decisions. i guess this shows that i'm still so emotional. so damn emotional. and childish.

i have to seriously reflect on my own mistake this time round. not all males out there are just your friends or buddies. argh! OSN!!!!!! get a hold of yourself man. what is wrong with you. damn it.

lost.pissed.frustrated.afraid.worried.unsettled.uneasy.disappear.lie.truth.heart.head.decisions.methods.steps.plans.romance.feelings.relationship.parents.ideal.troubles.storm.shit.sigh.sleepy.

Manga Review:Hadashi de Bara wo Fume

2009-08-13T23:13:00.002+08:00

Manga: Hadashi de Bara wo Fume
Genre: Historical, Romance, Shoujo
Status: Ongoing

Story:
It's about a poor girl whose parents has passed away long ago. Her only kin is her older brother whose job is a host and her family members are abandon kids whom her brother picked up from the streets.

One faiftful encouter with a rich man has lead her to have a wealthy lifestyle. However, she must give up everything that she has now. Her family and her love. She has to marry a man she cannot fall in love and has to abide the rules of the high society.

It's a story where politics play a subtle part and also how this girl has set her determination to pass thru all obstacles ahead. Being played aound in the palm of the young rich man and his butler. How is she going to come out of it? will she be able to gain anything valuable and priceless?

This story may not be as exciting as the other mangas, but if you're bored and has nothing to do. This manga may be one of the best you can find to kill them and keep you entertained.

Manga Review: Mademoiselle Butterfly

2009-08-12T21:40:00.000+08:00

Manga: Mademoiselle Butterfly
Genre: Historical, Romance, Drama, Shoujo
Status: Completed. 9 chapters.

Story:
It talks about an apprentice Geisha back in the 1900s by the name of *Butterfly. She was sold when she was 9 years old because of poverty. However, the only lucky thing for her is that her neighbour who lives beside the Geisha house she works in, happens to be a young chap who always look after her.

He is from a rich family and his father is a well known paintist. His brother is a wealthy businessman, however due to some incident that happened in the past, he left house and became a tattooist. And so, every day Butterfly would visit him during her free time and requested for him to paint on her wrist. From here, that's how their love for each other develop.

However, things did not goes as smoothly as they have planned. Because of the war, the young tattooist has to leave her behind to go to the front line. He leaves her in the care of his older brother and father, and at that time when he leaves, she is already carrying his child, a twin.

After many years, the war did not end and they could only communicate via mail, until one faithful day he stops sending her letter for a year and the next thing she know, she receives the notification that he died during the war.

Left alone with her 2 children who are 4 years old, the father and the brother. She has almost given up her life and did not want to live anymore. At the time, it was her 2 children who gave her the courage to move on in life and to be stronger as a mother of 2, to protect her children just like how he protected her in the past.

*note that a Geisha does not uses her real name but their "Geisha" name. So in this case, Butterfly is that young lady's Geisha name.

This story gives a different feeling unlike other romance manga/manhwa that I have read so far. Only for this manga, I have decided to skip some parts of the story. Whatever that was written in here is not the full story and it does not end with the last paragraph.

If this interests you, you may want to try reading. It is a short series and a fulfilling one.

Saturday Night Fever!

2009-08-10T11:30:00.001+08:00

Had to work on a Saturday morning, Eve of a public holiday...How sad can that be...and what makes it worst is that the music school i'm working in held a concert and i was the MC for that morning...Although it sounds like i'm complaining, it is one of the most fun saturday nights i ever had.

The concert was a success, and though there were a few unforeseen circumstances, i manage to get through with it. Trust me, i was nervous all the while when I was speaking infront of the audiences and half way through, it burns out so much of my energy that i can hear my stomach talking to me. I was afraid that the growling was too loud that it can be heard over the mic. LOL. luckily it didn't.

After me, it's siew mei's turn to MC in the afternoon. She was pretty nervous herself but she did well. and same as me, she felt hungry half way through. But looking at all those kids playing on the piano and violin, really makes me happy. They may not be my students of my children, but somehow i enjoyed watching their performance on stage.

The Seimpi gang headed towards malaysia for a trip, siew mei headed out for steamboat at the singapore flier and as for me, i headed out to meet the CSC gang at ion orchard and orchard hotel. and the journey of coma-ing begins.

We shopped a bit at ion, and it's damn freaking crowded and packed with human beings at every corner. We had to queue for like more than 45mins to get a table for dinner at some teppanyaki store. however, the wait is not wasted and i shared with sam kimchi chicken rice. although she did most of the cooking part, i helped out a bit here and there. yea, just a bit of here and there. lol

Des, Gerard, Travis and Tina bought like 6 bags of stuff from NUM. most of it are Havainas slippers. well, that's because it was on 50% discount on 2nd item. but it is till maddness. we got tired and hungry from waiting for them, that we headed down to the basement to grab some bite before our dinner.

Early in the morning, they went out to sentosa. It looks fun but i didnt get a chance to go with them. I wished i did since it has been a while. Anyway, there is always more to come.

After all the shopping and dinner at ion, we went back to the hotel to rest for the night. the room was amazingly small and there is a big hole on the wall that links to the toilet. so in other words, those who are not in the toilet can see who ever is in the toilet and vice versa. thank goodness there is a blind but still it feels unsafe.

we started playing guessing numbers. and i tagged team with sam, marc and edward. edward is amazingly good at it. and marc's hand can stop shivering. it was damn funny. clement, gerard, tcf and travis form up a team against ours. we lost quite a number of rounds and before we know it, we drank quite a lot.

Gerard, who is the culprit for edwards strange behaviour, was happily mixing "orange juice" with vodka. that "orange juice" had no juice left inside but more vodka. omg. and the drinks he mixed for us, taste like vodka shots. and i drank so much that my stomach burns. all thanks to gerard. but i wasn't dead drunk. i know my limits. =)

edward helps me drink quite a bit after the other 2 knock out and as a result, he pukes and ended up sleeping in the bath tub. poor gerard has to dry him with a hair dryer. it was damn funny. and then, everyone fell asleep after that. all of us had a long day and was really tired by 4am.

it's a crazy night but we had lots of fun. it has been quite sometime since i last hang out with csc gang and i really had my fun. i will be lookng forward to more cray things from them.

Trip to Philippines

2009-08-04T00:38:00.002+08:00

Hi all, i'm finally back from my tourny in philippines, manila. I had my fun and really enjoyed myself.

Bowling was avaerage, i think that i've already did my best but it just that i'm not good enough to win. anyways, the scores ain't on abf website, you've got to go to www.jbowlmart.com to see the scores for the qualifying and masters.

As usual, the scores are like monsters. So, basically i was bowling with a bunch of monsters and some human that has not yet transformed into one. in other words, it's an unripe monster, LOL. kidding. but the scores are really damn high.

putting that all aside, manila may be the capital of philippines, but it is not as developed as you think it would be. there are children out there in the streets that will come to you to ask for money. there are at least one security guard in every shops and there are security everywhere. it felt safe and yet unsafe.

played in the casino and lost about 5000pesos. convert it to SGD and that will be roughly $240. Roulette is fun but Bacarat has more chance of winning. Jackpot is stupid, but still there are people winning. like my lucky room mates who made their winnings through jackpot.

the food there is very salty and the drinks there are very sweet. their mangos are damn nice. especially thei ice-cream. the bowling centre has a very unique design with pillars in between lanes.

guess what, that centre has 39 lanes. weird isn't it? so i asked, does the number here starts with 0? everyone's laughing. lane 39 is just some odd lanes out of nowhere. the lane number starts with 1.

but oh well, bowling will all the pillars out of nowhere makes it challenging. although it's irritating and annoying since i always hit the pillars, this is what makes this game interesting and fun. came in 7th for classified. cash out a bit and it went back to the casino.

nothing much to shop and i've beenon my room watching animes half of the time. missed singapore food and was really tired since our flight is at 4pm and we were at the airport at 2pm. flight turbulence was terrible when we went, but it was better when we came back.

catching up on my animes and mangas updates. seems like i didn't miss out too much. will be back to training on wednesday and tomorrow is my only day off. gonna rest to my heart's content.

Manga Review: The Bride of the Water God

2009-07-23T23:07:00.002+08:00

Title of Manga: The Bride of the Water God
Genre: Shoujo, romance, supernatural, historical
Status: Ongoing

Story:
This comic isthe first korean manhwa I've read and thought that it was really good.

The setting of the story goes all the way back to our chinese ancient history. Where gods and demons exist in different dimensions.

This story evolves around a relationship between a god and a human. Unlike from those we usually see on shows where gods and human cannot fall in love, here in this story it is not at all impossible.

It talks about this young beautiful girl by the name of Soah, from a poor family in a supisitious village. She was offered as a bride to the Water God, known as Habaek, as a price to pay to end their drought.

When she arrives at the Water Kingdom and met Habaek, to her surprise it is actually a young boy around the same age as her little sister.

Never did she expects that the man she only comes to meet at night, Mui, is the original form of Habaek, who is the young boy she only meets in the day.

However, Mui who is the Habaek has a dark secrets that he never revealed to anyone and it seems that all the other people Soah met in the Water Kingdom seems to be hidding something.

In a unkown environment with no one she could turn to for help, she has to strive her way through and to survive the ordeal and also, to answer her own desires as to who she really loves.

As for Habaek, he seems to have a past that keeps haunting him and the people serving him are all not exactly loyal to him.

Having said that, he used to love one human women by the name of Nakbin but was killed by her own brother. He always make a promise to her that as long as it is Nakbin, he will always come back to her.

But Nakbin who is supposed to be dead, has returned not too long after Habaek has taken in his bride, Soah.

Soah, who has been proposed to by Habaek was put in a test when Habaek was drugged by Nakbin, to make Habaek fall completely head over heals for Nakbin.

Will Soah be able to be together with Habaek?
Will Habaek be able to fight his fate and be with the girl whom he truly loves?
What is the Great Emperor scheming and who is Nakbin that has reappeared when she is supposed to be dead?

This story will make you want for more and there is always a twist in it that makes it interesting to read.

I enjoyed reading it and I read it twice. Amazing, isn't it?

Capturing Moments

2009-07-16T22:34:00.002+08:00

It just one of those days when you are taking a long bus ride home and then you started thinking back of the good old days and memories from the past starts flowing into you. Yea, it's just one of those days.

I've been thinking ever since that night where we asked about your dishonesty and made you cry, I wonder what good does it bring to any body. If you come to think about it, it benefits nobody. However, I've already gotten your answer very clearly and so I won't dig into it. I'm more or less prepared for this long time ago.

Despite that, I will not deny that I really had my fun, laughter and joy when you were around. I bet the others think alike too :)
You were probably the friend that I had whom is always on the go to do things. Ever ready for play, ever ready for fun and silly things.

Although I really hated that fact that you don't pick up your phone, guess that's you and even your parents had it tough when comes to this. I can so totally understand that. But at the end of the day, you've really been a great friend to me.

Casting all these aside, the another YOU started talking to me casually. and THAT is very bad for my heart. VERY BAD! The fact that you stopped talking to me has been for quite a while, so what's with this suddenly friendly thing from you.

Boys are just boys. They are hard to understand and hard to comprehend. Yes yes yes, I knew that long ago. Plus, we will always bump into each other because we are all training at the same venue and at the same time.

I thought that I could slowly get over it, but each time I thought that I'm starting to let it go, each time you KEEP appearing for no special reason. Sigh. Why can't you just be normal? This feeling is just like, I'm about to deliver my shot and then my thumb got stuck and I have to swing my ball back so that I can catch it in time and wouldn't foul.

But anyway, I have a feeling that this wouldn't last.Probably like after today, you will be back to your old self again. SO, I will have to start to stop thinking unnecessarily. Oh boy, that is sure tough. Sigh. Well from ancient times, issues dealing with emotions are always tough. So, just hack it!

Manga Review: AI WO UTAU YORI ORE NI OBORERO!

2009-07-09T19:30:00.002+08:00

Title of Manga: AI WO UTAU YORI ORE NI OBORERO!
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Romace, School life, Gender Bender, Shoujo

Story:
There is an all girl's school called Saint no Bara, which means Saint Rose and an all boy's school called Dankaisan.

In Saint nobara, there is a girls band called Blaue Rosen who is admired by many students. Within them, there is a very charming prince looking guitarist, Mizuki. Everyone calls her Mizuki-sama. There is also another charming band member named Shun who is their vocalist.

However, due to some reasons, Shun was selected to go to New York to further her education and that leaves Blaue Rosen without a vocalist. At this moment, a person by the name of Akira appears and wants to be Blaue Rosen vocalist. Despite that. Mizuki would not accept any other vocalist except for Shun, but Akira's singing is way to attractive that Mizuki cannot ignore.

In the end, through a vocalist selection, Akira was selected to be Blaue Rosen's vocalist. With this, it sparks off a series of events that makes you laugh and have you feel a tingling feeling at times. This is all because Akira is in Dankaisen and is regarded as their princess.

Akira who is a princess in an all boy's school and Mizuki who is regarded as the prince in an all girl's school. This sure makes a very interesting combination.

This is an interesting manga series that is short, simple and sweet. It has only 29 chapters with 30 pages for each chapter.

I enjoyed reading it and I hope manga readers would enjoy it too. A change in the type of manga once in a while is a good thing. =)

Have a nice weekend.

Manga Review: Hana to Akuma

2009-07-06T02:12:00.003+08:00

Title of Manga: Hana to Akuma
Genre: Shoujo, romance, comedy, supernatural & fantansy

Feelings:
Hana to Akuma translate to english is known as flower and devil. It talks about a devil who seems to be a candidate for the next Demon King, left the demon world and started living in the human world along with buttler.

On one snowy night, he picks up a human girl who has been abandoned in front of his gate and from then on, many things happen and that either strengthened or weakens their relationship. the demon, ViVi, who named the human child, Hana, has encounter countless accidents.

This manga is still ongoing, however, it may not be fantastic novel of any kind, it sure has a tingling feeling to it as you read more.

It keeps you at suspense and sometimes, you thought you knew what the plots are, it catches you by the slightest surprise.

A nice and heart warming manga. No harm reading during your free time.

Anime Review: Nodame Cantabile

2009-07-04T23:01:00.003+08:00

First Season: Nodame Cantabile
Second Season: Nodame Cantabile Paris Hen
Statues: Completed
Genre: Musical, Drama, Shoujo, Comedy, Manga

Story:
Chiaki Shinichi is a talented young man who can play piano and a violin very well. Both his parents are well-known musicians in the music industry. His mother, Seiko is a world known pianist and his father Chiaki-san is also a well known violinist.

It may seem that he has a promising future either as a pianist or violinist, however his interests lies in being a conductor of an orchestra / ensemble. He tried to pursue his dream and went against his family's wishes and against his greatest fear of all times; flying on a plane and the sea.

He met this another young lady who is not so elegant nor brilliant, but has a very nice personality and plays the piano well. She is Noda Megumi and everyone calls her Nodame. Her piano has made Shinichi realised many wonderful things in life.

She has also helped him in the most slightest way in helping him to fulfill his dream being a conductor. Along the way, he has also slowly fallen in love with her. But Nodame has her own problems as well. She can play well on the piano, but she totally cannot understand music scores.

Nodame who has difficulties in struggling for her music, is also a slow and bothersome at times to Shinichi. The both of them who has a different character and different direction in their goals in life, who in the fell in love with each other bit by bit. How would their realation and music career will end up?

This anime has made me fall in love with classical music. When the ensemble plays, it really moves my heart. A heart warming anime that is definitely worthwhile watching. It makes you realised that you have a very artistic side of yourself. =)

Anime Review

2009-06-30T23:56:00.007+08:00

Title of anime: Higashi no Eden
Alternate title: Eden of the East
Status: Completed
Genre: Shounen, Action, Adventure, Mystery, Drama

Story:
There is this man who created a brilliant system with a corceive by the name if Juiz. Juiz is able to process any request from anyone.

This man chooses eleven young people whom he thinks worthy off to play a game that he invented. Each of them are given a cellphone that has a 10 billion yen credit. This cellphone will directly connect them to Juiz and it can also be use as an ordinary phone.

They have to follow the basic rules of the game and in an event if they failed to do so, they will be killed by a person called the supportor. This supportor can be either one of the eleven of not. He will not reveal.

The rules are:
1. In the event where you used up 10billion yen and did not accomplished the objective.
2. In the event where u did not use the credit within the deadline of the game and decide to withdraw.
3. This game will only have one winner and the rest will have to die

Hence, this players participated in this game knowing the rules. There is a specific time line to use the cash but there is no specific time line to finish the game. The supportor will decide the winner.

As it is only a short anime with 11 episodes, it is best that I do not reveal any more information and details on the anime. If not it will be as good as i dictate the entire anime plot and scenes to you.

If interested, please go and watch this anime. It is worthwhile.

Before it is too late.

2009-06-25T16:22:00.004+08:00

There's a saying that goes like this " you need to make up a thousand of lies, to cover up for one lie you've made." I couldn't agree any more to that.

I may not seem to be the one who bother about asking, but it does not mean I'm not aware of it. I may look like this, but I'm sharp when comes to things like this. You may be able to fool your friends, but at the end of the day you cannot fool yourself.

Until you have realised what you have done, it will be too late for you to make it up. You lied to everybody including to yourself. The outcome is that no one benefits from it and it is the nagetive effect that you will suffer. Have you not learnt your lessons? I wonder. Maybe that is what you've always wanted. Sympathy.

I can understand that there are certain things you would not want your friends, family members or anyone to know. But there is no need to lie, you just don't have to say it. But the moment it involves with another person, you know it will leak out sooner or later. No point hiding.

Paper can never cover for fire. There's a reason why people said that. Because it is true. If you dare to do it, then you will have to admit it. People make mistakes in life, who doesn't? Even God is not perfect, what can expect from us, who are mere humans?

I am surprised as to how *Euphoria (Not the real name) can make up impossible lies, But I am even more amused when you, who is the same as Euphoria, can condemn her about her lies. To be honest, you are not anywhere better.

The reason why you still have friends and Euphoria doesn't is because, your lies meant no harm to anyone. But that doesn't mean that you are telling a white lie. Speaking about hypocrites and how much you disliked them, you are just one of them in case if you didn't know.

Leopard can never change its spot. We all know that. Despite that, humans are kind by nature and we will always give chances, hoping that the person will turn over a new leaf. However, these people will usually take it for granted.

All these while there were many things, I didn't say and I know you haven't been very honest as well. Since, you are about to leave soon then I guess this game is about to end. I've asked myself many times, why do I play this game with you?

The answer is simple. You look so awkward until the extend that it is pitiful. It true that it humours me from time to time and you never fail to amuse me with your lies. Beautiful yet sad lies. All these only protrays a bad image of you, when your reputation hasn't been very good to start with.

The brain is like a space. That absorbs anything and everything. That can transform everything to nothing. Is it your personality? or is it your brain that is the problem? That causing you to make up such lies with such wonderful words. Too bad I didn't study pyschology.

A mental illness? I doubt so. It is just you. Pushing all the blames on to anything. Even the country is at fault. You, who has been constantly running away from your troubles, will always find that trouble will keep troubling you till the end.

You have never truely made friends with anyone. Although I know that it is hard to find true friends in life, it is not impossible. I found my true friends. A few is a treasure. If you're lucky, you may have more than a few.

Things aren't going to explode like a volcano. There will be no one out there to broadcast this either. No one bothers, I would say. That's why is pitiful. In other words, people have given up on you. Maybe that's what you've always wanted all along.

What ever reasons, motives or intentions you have behind all these lies you've made. I believe you have already acheived your goal. Congratulations!

It may be a good start for you but past is past, history is history. It will always and forever be there. People will remember you for who you are now. This will always remain in them until the end of their journey. Maybe that's what you wanted.

Anyway, this is my last piece of advice to a friend. Before it's too late.

Manga Review

2009-06-19T14:24:00.002+08:00

Title of Manga: MARS

Story:
MARS talked about the darkness in people and how some of them can overcome it and how some cannot. It has a little of romance, violence and tragedy that makes you keep wanting for more. It has a different vibe in the story that is able to leave an impression in your mind.

Synopsis of the story:
Kashino family runs a huge business, Oak Group, which is fairly well known in the business realm. They have 2 sons, Akihiko, the younger brother died in a car crush during car racing. The elder brother took over the Oak Group. (forgot what's the name of the elder brother, let's call him Kashino)

Akihiko was loved by many people including his father. Hence, from young their father has been bias for Akihiko and the elder brother was a left out. Akihiko has a lover but that woman was eventually married to the Kashino.

After Akihiko died, his lover gave birth to a twin brother. Elder brother is called Rei and the younger one is called Sei. Kashino, despite knowing that these children belongs to Akihiko, he still raised them as his own because he was not able to have children.

However, the mother didn't believe that the Kashino would love Akihiko's children and, she who has a terrible temper and loves her children so much that in the end she suffers from mental illness. She even attempt to kill Rei once and after that incident she was immediately sent to a mental hospital.

Not long after she's discharged, she committed suicide. At that time both Rei and Sei were still too young to understand what death is. Kashino was left in despair that both his brother, wife and father are no longer in this world and he himself wasn't too sure how to be a father of 2.

Under the recommendation of his friend, who is a psychiatrist, who is the doctor in charged of his wife, to send his children to a relative who lives in L.A for the time being until Kashino's emotions are stable.

When in L.A they were put under one of the relatives' care. Rei who has a violent temper is a total oppposite of Sei who loves art and is a good boy. Rei promised his mother that he will protect his younger brother who is often the subject of bully.

Things progressed in a negative manner when Rei attempt to kill one of the bullies who always pick on Sei. When they moved back to Japan, Sei commited suicide in front of Rei. Rei was in a shock and he lost all his memories and also, suffered from mental illness. Hence, Rei's memories as a child were vague and unclear.

Rei who loves motorcycle racing, starts to be more human like after meeting this girl, Kira Aso who eventually became his wife. Rei confessed his sins and feelings to Kira and she has helped him to cope and overcome his mental illness.

Aso Kira has a tragic past where she was rape by her step father and that leaves a scar in her. Her wound was so deep that she became an introvert. As for her, it was Rei who has helped her to step out from her comfort zone.

These couple has met many obstacles and people that has caused them pain. Such as Masao Kirishima who also suffered from a mental illness, a very serious mental illness that has resulted him to kill and injured many other people.

Slowly, step by step, they build up their bond between them and their future. From a delinquent teenager to a grown up man and how they have overcome difficulties with their friends' help. They who have beared the costs, have also taste the sweetness of the fruit of the outcome.

Memories Are Nice

2009-06-14T01:05:00.004+08:00

While casually having a chat with my dad today, we spoke about my childhood years and all the people that I've met and how we seperate along the way. That's where I remembered my childhood playmates that I had back then when NSRCC was still called Changi Safra.

Hilda, Janice, Cheryl, Eunice, Jasmine, Camille are the names that sounds familiar to me now but yet seems so distant. I have 2 of them on my facebook and so I decided to check them out since I have the time today. We are all really leading a life so different from when we're young.

I guess I did not change pretty much since bowling has always been the main focus in my life from when I was young till now. But to them, who has gave up bowling, they lead a very different lifestyle. I would say, normal girl's teenage life. Did I missed out a lot? I wonder to myself.

Time really can change a person. They, who used to be a daddy's girl, have now become trendy, party and happening young ladies. As for me, who used to be naughty girl has become pretty much a daddy's girl. What a total opposite we are now.

Say, life is strange isn't it? Maybe, somewhere down the road in my life, I might run into them again. Will we still be the same again? Probably not. It's kinda hard to be how we used to be since we are all different now. For the better or worst, no one knows.

How many years has it been and I still can remember all that has happened to us back in Changi Safra. When did I even stop going there? How did we stop contacting each other? I cannot recall. Well, I do have good and bad memories from there but it doesn't really matters now, right?

Anyway, memories are nice. =)

Feeling Sick

2009-06-09T02:30:00.003+08:00

As I have more spare time now, I have started reading manga and just finished reading this manga series "Special A". It's really a damn good manga. Although some of the things inside is a bit ridiculous, that's what makes manga interesting to read isn't it?

Special A refers to a class classification. They are made up of the top 7 students in an elite school. They have their own school campus which is called the Campus Paradise which is another building of its own apart from the main campus where ordinary students attend and also it is, where they will spent their free time in a green house especially build for them.

I love this story because there is a sweet sensation to each of the characters' love story. How they fell in love and how they overcome the obstacles that lies ahead of them. When they discover their feelings for each other, how they convey to the other person through various means.

It's not very fantastic but it is something worth reading. There's a reason why it is placed second in the top viewed shoujo manga. It brings me back to my old school days although I'm not anyway near any of the characters illustrated inside. It is the fun they had and enjoying every moment as a student.

Ever since Saturday's victory banquet, I haven't been feeling well at all. I had a fever that shoots up to 38.6 degrees on Saturday night after movie with steffi and gang. It went down to 38.4 on Sunday when I went to work and slowly to 37.4 at night and on Monday morning it went down to 36.9 degrees which is my normal body temperature.

Although my fever subsided, it comes together with cough and flu. My head was spinning really bad with the flu and I cannot sleep peacefully because of that. Hence, it resulted me taking afternoon naps more often than I usually do.

I drank like tons of water and have to go to toilet like every hour. But it reeally does help in making me feeling better. But my eyes are still puffy and head is still spinning. The coaches actually had to send me home the moment I reached the training venue. Wasted trip and they wanted me to see a doctor. Which is something I don't really enjoy doing.

Guess I will have to make a trip down to my family doctor and have a check up. Hopefully it's not swine. Damn, of all times I have to fall sick now. My dad says it because I overexert myself and that is the main reason why my body system collapsed. I believed so.

Flu Flu please go away. Cough Cough please stop coughing. Eyes Eyes please get better. I got a feeling my eyesight has been detoriating but oh well, I will improve it by staring at more trees and grasses.

I wanna get back on to the lanes to start training. Usually when I'm sick, by bowling will improve my condition but i didnt expect the coaches to send me home today. zzzzzzz......maybe I should start looking around for some manga to read or play some games in Facebook or maybe start watching my animes.

I wanna get well soon....

He stops talking to me. Well, I should have see that coming.

Pissed

2009-06-05T04:07:00.003+08:00

Yes, I am pissed. Pissed by the fact that I wasn't allowed to bowl anymore because it was late and it wasn't my fault that the squads delayed till this late. If it would have started on time, It wouldn't be "late" already right? And so, they reap the benefits and I bear the costs. Well done, give a round of applause people!

I'm always amazed by how these "people" can find thousands and millions of "excuses" to abuse their authority. You know what, there's something call Karma. You will get it soon. Sometimes, justice is a little slow. I understand that.

For once, ONCE! I didn't make it into the finals. Oh Fuck! I cannot believe how much I've lose out in my own game. How much further down am I going, I wonder? How far more must I climbed to be where I used to be? How did I even manage to make it that far in the past? I seriously wonder, when did I start falling down till I reach this stage that I'm in. When was it?

A little history about myself that some of you may not know. I started bowling at the age of 15 and made it into the National Youth at the age of 15 and to the National Team ( which is currently known as the Elite Team) at the age of 16. I've been in the National Team for about 5 Years before I was demoted to the Intermediate Squad 2 years back and now, I'm demoted to Development.

I asked myself this "Why are you still bowling and staying in the team?" "Why did you let yourself fall until you're treated like some other newbie in the team? "Why are you still holding on to the placement in the team?

I did not find a honest answer to my questions and I am still asking myself these questions. Is the bowling world really changing towards the other kind and not mine? Than what's left in bowling when there are no challenges anymore? How do I create miracle once more?

Look here, I'm a perfect example of a discarded product that has failed their expectations. Aunty Alice was cruelly kicked out from the squad. Jennifer is barely hanging in there. And me, I am already at the doorstep, waiting for someone to kick my ass out of this team. Reality is cruel.

I hate to admit it but this is what the bowling world is telling me. So how now brow cow? Well, I shouldn't be taking it too seriously. But once I leave the team, I will lose all contacts with my friends now. That is one thing I don't really want to see it happening. Especially when I'm the type who is not really good at making the first moves.

Friends are the reason why I still want to be in the team.

Now, I really need to figure out how am I supposed to pick myself up from all this mess. Though i'm not the one who created this mess, but since I'm in it, I'd better figure a way out unless I quit bowling.

Show me some guidance man....I'm feeling so tired....

Complains

2009-05-31T09:09:00.001+08:00

The aircon in this office is so damn not cold. Like a sauna. Air con engineers, please hurry up and fixed these air-cons....its far toooooo hot.

Dead Tired

2009-05-30T14:33:00.004+08:00

Thought that when my exams are done, i'll have more time and more space. Never did i expect myself to squeeze every single available time slot i have to work, bowl, eat, sleep and maybe shit.

Work load is forever never ending. Never knew why. One waves after another. Don't they evey feel tired. My battery is running low now. Singapore open is tiring. 5 bowlers to a pair is not A JOKE. it's damn freaking slow. I almost slept while bowling. That is HOW SLOW it was. omg.

Not too sure if I would be able to qualify and hopefully i could. At least let me win something this year before i quits the team. Life is sooooo tiring. We can figure anything out, except for life.

This little friend of mine, is facing some hell problems now. More like she is living in hell. (that's what she thought). Actually, things ain't that bad. She can always start all over again. It's allright to watse this year. It's a learning experience and if she is willing. She can always start from scratch. It's tough, but it is not as if it is not going to work.

Like a little lost lamb, she has not found her way back on life's track. Long before, i've already told her, she needs to think about her life. As a friend, that is how much i could do. there is nothing more i can help by just advicing because ultimately it is her decision on how she wants to live or watse her life away.

Sometime i've kinda pity her for not being able to mature from her mistakes. It makes me wonder, how many times must she fall in order for her to understand what life really is. Not that i'm very experienced in it, at least i know what i'm in for.

She is probably the first person i've ever met that is so screwed up in the inside. When i stand from a parents' point of view, i wonder what would i do if she were to be my child. At this point, i'm glad that i've always have such great parents. Actually it is also because i'm a good girl by nature too. =) smiles.

Everyone has their own problems. Every families have their own troubles. What may fit me most may not be what fits the other person best. All i could do now, as a friend, to stand by her and help he through her toughest time. That's my role.

There is probably another thing i need to discipline myself more. I realised that is has been my weakest spot all this time. yes. I know. Don't have to keep reminding me that. Well, and that is relationship. I'm always too concern with what others may think and stuff like this.

Now i've decided. poker face. :) yea. I have to be not affected by it. Will not ignore, will not avoid, will not approach, will not question, will not consider and WILL treat everyone naturally. Actually, i am treating all my friends naturally and equally. So even to those who is .... .... .... whatever, will also pretend i didnt know and treat them naturally as well. It will make my life so much easier.

Ok, deal. that's gonna do. I will just do with it first.

Goes one and comes another...

2009-05-27T22:10:00.002+08:00

I shall declare that today i'm a happy girl. *screams* You can never imagine how relief I felt the moment i stepped out of the examination hall. In order to end it earlier, I walked out 15mins earlier then usual. Didn't bother to check my answes. That's how eager I was to get out of the examination hall.

While I was doing my paper today, I've already start to plan what should I eat along the way. Orange Julius? BK Onion Rings? and then I started thinking, when should I bowl my MQ and should I go work this friday. That shows how distracted I was during examination condition.

Well hopefully I can qualify by this Friday for Singapore open so I don't have to go down to Mt Faber Safra again cause it's just too damn freaking far for me to travel down regardless whether I'm working or from home.

Now I have 2 worries in my mind. One is what if I cannot qualify for Singapore open? I will be so damn freaking sianzzzz... Second is I hope August don't come so soon. August is the month where the UOL will release our results. Trust me, I do not wish to collect my results. I'm afriad that I might just get heart attack and die. Also, I might caused my parents to have high blood pressure.

Jeez, just when I though I can forget about studies and books, I have to worry for my results. OMG. But oh well, what's done cannot be undone. So hack it! I dun really give a DAMN!

Ok, HOLIDAYS!!!! but the swine is getting serious. Singapore already have one confirmed case. That makes travelling abroad kinda difficult now isn't it? Sad :( damn the swine man, just screw it.

How comes that "SWINE" is not being quarantined yet? they should have just lock her up at some zoo together with some other pigs. Ok, that's random. She didnt offend me anyway, i'm being mean here. but what to do, everytime I talked about SWINE. It just reminds me of her. LOL

Facial. Yeap, i'm going for facial with Siewmei next monday!!!!!!! am so happy about it. Siewmei is nice enough to change her appointment to suit mine so that we can go down together coz I dunnot how to go to that facial place. Ain't she nice? So God, please ask the marker to give her another few more marks for her papers. Kindness begets kindesss right?

Work, bowl, eat, sleep , shit...ok i'm back to my usual routine. But at least now I have a little more time than usual. Maybe I should visit my lecturers again to disturb them...muhahaha...oh yea, i forgot something. I need to complete reading books. I've promised to finish reading Hack and then Angels & Demons and then Marley & Me. If i'm not wrong, i think i promised Kawai that I'll read Harry Potter too. I think.

Sianz....but oh well reading helps to improve in my english before some one keeps complaining i'm like a Ah Sum. OMG.

I think I will read my manga, watch my animes first. Then read the story books! hahaha....okok, think i'm blogging too long. Shall end here.

Man

2009-05-25T22:18:00.003+08:00

people are getting weirder these days. Maybe it's the weather. Or maybe studying has make my brain overworked and am thinking too much. yes. that has to be it. ok, back to studying.

Fun Day Out

2009-05-24T02:18:00.002+08:00

Didn't have the chance to blog last night cause when out with steffi and kawai and only reached home at about 1am and we had training the following day in the morning. Disasters!

We met up for a movie marathon yesterday. We watched wolverine and then angels & demons. omg, the 2 movies are really the best. If we had more time andmore money, we would have night at the museum 2. LOL.

The next few movies we are looking at is drag me to hell. it's a damn scary show but I like =) muhahah, and steffi is still as timid as ever..*sighs* guessed like my horro movie partner got to be Ka. So sad. coz Ka is too noisy when she's in the movie. She kept asking my questions when i need to FOCUS on my movies. LOL. but can't blame her, she's just curious. Young girl mah.

AT plaza sing, I saw this damn awesome shop and it's called the OTAKU-SHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, they sell a lot of damn COOOOLLLLL stuffs.....*SCREAMS* I want to work there so i can wear the VK uniform and some kimono. Actually it's not a kimono, it feels more like a yukata. but oh well, it doesnt matter. I JUST WANT TO WEAR!!!!!!!!!!

Damn, if only cosplay in singapore is as popular as in japan. zzzzzz....well, a day out with the realy lightens my mood a bit. I thought i needed a break and i really do need one. Chatting with them, gossiping and laugh together. really brings me back to life. eh, i mean i do have life btu not that frequent.

I tried to study in the morning but failed terribly. Damn so i need to do all the catching up today. and i need to train for singapore open which is damn tiring and i hate to plot my MQs cos the timing is all so weird. and my work....zzzzzz i'm starting work this thursday...ARgh, i wish my no-pay-leave was forever.

okok, i better sleep now if not tomorrow cannot wake up in time for work. then it will be dks, ggxx and g game man...boss will sack me soon if i keep this up...hahahahaha....anyway, i will be looking forward to another day out with the girls like this. =)

oh yea, for some strange reason tiacpin is damn nice today, he treated me to lunch and also bubble tea for greg. maybe he strikes lottery yesterda?! but when mw and greg asked him, he said he lost $50 due to pin 7. Maybe he dont want the karma...hahahaha...later kena swine...lol...kiddin.

OKOKOK, i really need to go back to bed...

Towards The End Which Seems To Be The Beginning

2009-05-21T23:58:00.003+08:00

Finally left with my last paper on next Wednesday. Cannot believe that I actually cleared 3 papers already. Felt like I'm on the verge of death. Didn't know that studying could be that hard. Wish I could be more hardworking from the very beginning. Have learnt my lesson, and will start studying 3 months before my exams. That is for next year.

As the days passed by and the weeks crushed on, I realised that I have very little confidence in completing my second year. The more I think about it the more demoralized I am. Say, how am I suppose to pick myself up after all this is over.

There were times where I thought I would break apart and crumble. What am I going to do if I don't get through my second year? Wonder how much will I disappoint my parent. I have already make them given up hope on my bowling, I cannot afford to let them down for my studies. That is the only other thing I could make them feel proud of me. If I can't even achieve that, then what's left in me?

Reflect. Thinking back on my studying sessions, although we were not as productive as we should be, we learnt something. Should be. I didn't put in enough effort. Not enough. Breathe. Yes. I need some breathing space. Sometimes I wished I had the courage to cry it out. Did you know that it takes courage to not to cry, but at the same time, you need some courage to cry and let it out?

I didn't know that too. Until recently that I realised it. Because we are all adults. Crying became something that isn't even in our dictionary. Let it go. That's right. That's what I thought too. Let it go, since there is nothing I could do about it anymore. What's done, cannot be undone. Knew that long ago.

I need a change. True. A change in myself. A change from within. That is not good enough. My attitude. That has too many weakness. That has to change as well. To become stronger. Every day is a brand new day, a brand new breeze. I can't just be myself right now.

I'm not moving forward at all. Stuck here. Unable to put my best foot forward when I know that I can always do better. I've knew that all along. Really. Laziness that sets in me, taking away my motivation. Ain't bringing me anywhere at all.

Casting aside all unneccesary thoughts. Clear up my mind. Reconsider. Plan. Friends. Family. My future. Career. And my life. Sighed. I need more determination and courage, to walk down this path that I've choosen. This is only the beginning. I will take some time off my busy schedule. Take a walk. Peaceful scenery. I need that.

Rest is important.

I'm signing off.

Hopefully

2009-05-20T04:06:00.003+08:00

Getting tired from studying every day to prepare for my never ending exams that always seems to have uncountable number of chapters. How long more do I need to read and write until I can get it into my head...wonders... ... ... ...

I'm exhausted. To the extend that I no longer feel panic for my upcoming paper on Thursday. Although I know that I'm far from completing that module and I seriously have not enough time, I can't seem to find the urge to study. Perhaps I'm thinking of too many things at a go and that probably caused my brain system to mulfunction and detoriates.

Manga and anime is my all time favoutite past time. It just brightens up my day somehow or rather. After my exams, I'm so going to be a full time watching anime and reading manga maniac. Well, that if I could squeeze out some time from my work and training...zzzzz...

Went back to TP to study today with Siewmei. Catch up with some lecturers and our Course manager. She is still as friendly and as busy as ever. Well, I spared her the agony by letting her finish her packed lunch before she needs to rush off to some Graduation Ceremony by other courses. Had a fun and memorable chat with Mr. Lawerence Leong. He is still as funny as ever and we talked about our good old school days when we're in his class. He can be scary at times but his class was the most effective and productive. I never slept in his class before. Can you imagine that?

Mr. Tan Si Cheong is still as nice as ever. So as his best friend Chan Seet Meng. Still as gentle as ever. LOL. I still can remember how he always skipped my table when comes to checking tutorial answers. The surprising thing is that almost all the lecturers still remembers me. How nice of them. =) *smiles* Seeing them and having lunch with them really helps to bring my fatigue level down.

Despite me graduated from TP last year, it feels like it has been many many years since I last went back to TP to enjoy a tertiary student lifestyle. Realised that life as a student is really beautiful. Every other day is filled with laughter, stress, fun, enjoyable and frustrating moments. I still cannot forget how I felt back then when I stepped up on the stage during my Graduation Ceremony.

I've completed another stage of my life and is time for me to advance to another level. New challenges, new friends (although I don't really talk to other people in uni) and new experiences. We only have one life, so aim it well. I really hope that I can pass my exams and get through my second year smoothly. Well, guess it useless now as I've already taken my papers and there is already no turning back. I'll just have to pray for the best.

*sigh* it's 4.25am now and I'm starting to feel sleepy and I'm getting a little emo here. Recently, I've bumped into you but we hardly talk. But well, each time I see you, you reminds me of the past. I though I have COMPLETELY forgotten about you. And I'm so wrong about it. Don't worry, probably I'll need a little more time to forget every single thing about you. ENTIRELY!

Argh, whatever...I'm ignoring it. I missed upper thomson steamboat >.<
I want my MAN TOUS!

Pondering

2009-05-16T00:38:00.003+08:00

Gentle breeze, sounds of waves, golden sand and children playing on the beach. Nice scenic view. Something just strike into me today and maybe i should start to reconsider the way i live my life until now.

Recalled the conversation i had with one of my poly lecturers some time back, told him that i'm currently working full time, studying full time and bowling full time and then he asked me:"Why are you trying so hard?" "You need some rest and you need a life."

I pause for a while and i smiled and my reply was " i didn't want to idle around since i'm already not that young anymore."

Now that i'm looking back at my tight schedule and how much i have to struggle for my exams, and how much i'm complaining i have not enough time and want to have more sleep. i begin to wonder perhaps is my commitments that are choking me so much.

Should i give up on either one? what would it be? studies is impossible. work or bowling? well, i need to have income and i still want to bowl. resign from national sq? hmmm, thought of that before but there some other issues bothering me at the moment. If i didnt have those issues, i would have left the team long time ago.

What should i do now? *sigh* maybe i'll decide after i get back my results in August. Maybe i really need a life... hmmm, but knowing myself that i love to slack and do nothing, that's why i choose to schedule my time in a way that i don't have time to idle around. Am i really pushing myself that much?

Looks like i'm going to spend more time thinking about what i want in life again...

Time Waits For No Man

2009-05-16T00:17:00.003+08:00

Met the girls back in school for studying today. Clarified some stuffs and studied half a chapter of Corporate Finance. I have 7 chapters to complete and I only have another 5 more days to go...Maybe i should start planning my time well...i tend to watse too much time on unnecessary things such as reading manga, visiting facebook and blogging...zzzz

I conclude that there is 80% of my failing my PoBF which i took yesterday, so i'm starting to plan for my year 3 modules. Anyway, i guess i'll need to cover 2 chapters a day for my Corporate Finance and leave 2 days for me to do past year papers since i like to procrastinate. AND, i'm having Post-PoBF Syndrome.

Although today is not as productive as ever (maybe because i'm still recuperating from yesterday's battle), we had lot of fun and we spoke about how we going to enjoy our holidays after our exams and before our results are out. We spoke about holidays, clubbing, fishing, prawning, mah-jong, SUPPER!!! and what other modules we are taking next year.

We had dinner at Lau Pa Sat and we spent a total of $42 on food....we did order a lot of food and after that SM told me she's going to start slimming down after exams. Well i guess i'll have to do that too. Need to reduce my total fats on me man...

A couple of nice event happened today. Bumped into 2 of my secondary school friends at Lau Pa Sat and it really brings back memories. Recently i had my PRIMARY school friends adding my on facebook...oh my gosh, primary school leh...damn old school loh...but i was glad that they can still remember me =)

One of my thai friends came to singapore this morning and left for Hongkong in the evening at 8pm. Well, he thought that i could teleport and gave me such short notice of his departure. Didn't manage to see him off at the airport and also forgot to sms him, so he called and i bid von boyage to him...well, i guess habits ARE really second nature...it nice having to know such nice people...

Oh yea, and speaking about nice people...SM is super nice today. She waited for me and ML to reach school for almost 2 hours and 30mins. OK, i confessed that i really felt bad letting her wait in school ALL ALONE for the both of us and i've kinda disturbed her studying progress caused i kept talking to her and that makes her stop studying for god knows how many times...lol

I promise i shall not disturb her again when ever she is so serious in studying...i should start to be serious in studying too..erm, am i abit too late to say that since i'm already half way through my exams? oh well...it's better to be late than never!!!! hahaha...what logic is that...-_-'''

I wished for my exams to be over but at the same time i also wished that my exams dates to not come...how ironic can i be...i'm tired...

My Head Feels Heavy

2009-05-14T23:10:00.003+08:00

Omg, omg...2 papers down and 2 more to go...damn...i can feel that my pimples are popping out one by one...Guess i'm seriously too stressed out..i need to make my pimples go away. It's irritating seeing one lump protruding out of my face...i seriously need to go for my facial soon and extract all the unwanteds out of MY FACE! okay, that's irrelevant.

Went to the Expo this morning to fight 2 battles. The examination hall is damn freaking cold and sitting there for 3 hours really is a torture. Besides, i think i've already killed half of my brain cells while fighting the papers. It's really tough. No wonder the passing mark is 34/100. Now i know why.

Microeconomics was my first paper in the morning. It didn't turn out as bad as i though it would be. Before the exam, SM gave me and ML 2 sweets to cheer up. Well, i think that worked pretty well. I need sugar to keep myself awake. After econs, we had Orange Julius...my favourite and studied a bit before going for our next paper.

Bumped into a few of the TP ex-coursemates. So i guess there are still many of us who are taking UOL, but they're in SIM. Anyway, PoBF was a disaster. I spent 15mins trying to choose 4 out of 8 questions that will maximize my marks. The first thing that came into my mind was "BLANK". =_= right, that was what happen in the examination hall. I didn't know what the hell the question wants from me.

So after spending 15mins choosing my questions, i spent the next 15mins sleeping...lol...yes, you didnt hear me wrong, i slept during the exams while others are busy writting their essays. G Game. After i woke up, it seems that some of the answers float through my mind. hmmm, lucky i took a power nap.

Then i spent like a few minutes here and there ston-ing, looking at invigilators and looking at the time. hmmm, i realised that i was procrastinating...jeez...finish the paper at about 5pm and suddenlt another set of answer appeared in my mind, so i used 30mins to finish 3 parts of a question. Ain't i fast? lol. Hopefully they are the right answers.

And after which, i went to training looking like a zombie with messy hair and teary eyes (cos i was sleepy) and my pimple still irritates me. Anyway, training was.... .... ..... well, i couldnt find a word to describe. so i'm gonna just leave it as it is.

Despite my tiring and long day, there were a few funny moments. of coz, i was the joke of it. you know what is the answer for vibration + silent = ? and that is ViLent....well, that was what i said in the morning. unknowingly.

another equation : Orange Original + Regular = ?
the answer is Regina....don't ask me why, it just came out of my mouth...lame hor..i also say...

Hopefully i can study well for my next 2 papers. really tiring and on the verge of death. I dun wanna re-take any of my papers. Pass will do man...just let me pass, that's all i ask for. do you think it's possible??? erm, no comments.....zzzzz..... -_-'''

Status: Dead.

2009-05-13T22:52:00.005+08:00

Tomorrow, wake up at 7am to bath and then eat breakfast at 730am, prepare myself and leave house at 8.30am and be at the Expo by 9am and into the examination hall by 10am. 3 hours paper. Then rest for 1.30hr and then another paper at 2.30pm to 5.30pm and then, training at 7pm at OCC.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! time flies so fast and tmr is my exams. Is there a way for me to pause the time and then rewind it back so that I can have a little more time to study? oh well, guess that's not possible at all. Great. And after tomorrow you'll probably see my dead body lying somewhere. Oh yea, I forgot...I can't die yet, I have another 2 more papers to go before I pronouce myself dead.....zzzomg

I'm stressed to the max and I'm having a mega pimple breakout. I have no idea where these pimples come from and it's kinda irritating...After one subsided, comes another one. Maybe that's the reason why I cannot seem to remember my stuff, cox my pimples are absorbing all the inputs and then produce them on my face as output. er, that sounded like econs...

Went out studying with the girls as usual today and the 3 of us were like stressing to max in the library. hmm, probably i shouldn't say we were, it's more of like, WE ARE still stressing on our exams. Well, although they dun have mega pimple breakout like mine.

I really hope that exams can finish fast and I can start my full time watching anime and reading manga profession...LOL..oh yea, i forgot that i still need to go back to work...WHAT A DRAG!. but oh well, i like it when i get my paycheck... hehehehehe...ok, that kinda lower my stress level by a bit.

And of course, after exams means holiday with the girls...yeah~~~ we're going shopping, playing and massage!!! i hope that we can go facial as well and clean my face...maybe i should start making facial appointments. but i'm just too lazy to go for facial...haiz, it's tough being a girl...damn...

*sigh* i'm going back to visit my books now and i got to sleep early tonight since i'm going to wake up early tmr...no time to watse and time waits for no man...eh, i sounded wise hor...lol..okok...in a perfect competition, she-na equates at no expectation = no stress and that will maximize she-na's consumption profit. MUHAHAH, ok...i sounded insane.

Bye peeps. enjoy. eat more. sleep more. play more. slack more. and still slack more.

Another Day Wasted!

2009-05-10T04:00:00.002+08:00

It's a public holiday and here I am mugging at home for my exams in 4 days time. GREAT!
Since i'm blogging now means I have not had much progress with my studies...BINGO!
Now i'm soooooo screwed. I need to quarantine myself at home tomorrow the whole to make up for today. EH, mummy, sorry i think you have to spend mother's day alone. I'll be spending mother's day with my books. SO enjoy mum!

Well, woke up at 2pm today since i dun have to meet sm or ml for studies at 12pm anymore. I read some mangas and found that I've finished 4 chapters with 195 pages long of manga today. Titles Itadakimasu. Well, so now you'll probably figured out what I did for the whole day. =) SMILES..yes, i read manga today insetad of my PoBF study guide. Good Game.

Recently my eyes has been failing me. I tend to see double image. zomg, is it because i studied too much??? maybe...ok, another excuse for me to not study. HOW LAME.

Tried doing skipping today and after 25 rounds i'm so tired. I had leg cramp after that. WELL DONE. i'm getting old....argh! this is not a good sign...

I'm supposed to be studying now but when ever i see my books i feel like sleeping and when ever i see my manga i'm energetic. Someone, please tell me what's wrong with me. Perhaps i got some illness when i see books i'll immediately go into a sleepy stage.

haiz, bored.

Glimpse From The Past

2009-05-09T01:28:00.007+08:00

Took a step, I walked into Temasek Polytechnic. Nostalgic. All the memories from my poly years came flowing into me. I really missed those wonderful time. I went back to TP a few days ago for studying, together with anoter TP graduate, Siewmei.

The first thing that the both of us talked about TP was, THE FOOD. yes yes, trust me. TP has fantastic food. They are so delicious that despite me eating for 3 years, I would still go back for more. Well, TP is still the same as it is, and our dear lecturers and tutors, they are all the same as they are.

Bumped into Lawrence Leong, my International Finance tutor. He's as funny as ever and as easy to talk to as ever. Very nice person. We sat and talked about how am I doing and how's everything with school. I consulted him a few times when I was in TP. I was going through a rough patch at that point in time. He has given me a lot of guidance in my studies. I was glad to know a lecturer like himself.

Tan Si Cheong, still as friendly as ever. He is the Mister Nice Guy who doesn't scold his students and that's why we always bully him. LOL. we're so bad. And his best friend Chan Seet Meng were even nicer to bully. hahaha. It really brings back to those time when I really had a lot of fun in school. I love TP.

Saw Goh Yan Peng but she seems busy so didn't really talk to her. So as Peter Ooi. But I've already catch up with them before at the Inaugural Alumni Dinner. They are very ncie teachers. I wished I could be like them. LOL. Maybe I should consider changing my profession....hahaha. Kiddin.

I really want to go back there again. Have nice chat with teachers. Have fun and laughter. Enjoy my poly life. Enjoy my youthful days. I make it sound like I'm damn old. But I really really really missed those times. My friends, the teachers, the food, the fun, and everything else, BUT PROJECTS AND EXAMS. =)

Miss TP. I'll visit you again soon.

Summary & Conclusion

2009-05-09T00:51:00.007+08:00

People, if you happen to come across a pill that can make studying easier, please do let me know. I desperately need one. Oh yea, probably you can make some orders for my friends, ML and SM, I believe they need it too. LOL.

Recently I have been mugging hard for my exams (even though it wasn't really productive) and realised some bad habits about myself:
1. After lunch, I tend to feel sleepy and wants to sleep.
2. After dinner, no mood to study but have the mood to read magazine. Strange isn't it?
3. After sitting for too long, my butt hurts. The chairs are so uncomfortable and it makes me wanna walk around the library. So how is that supposed to help me in my studying?
4. Whatever I studied, I FORGOT!

Okay, somebody please tell me that I'm in deep shit. All right, exams are on next thursday and I really need to find my urge for studying. I have been trying to study both PoBF and Econs concurrently (I make it sound like I have a clone). And this is when SM said something that for once I have to agree that she is right. I am actually only studying 1/2 of both and only knows 1/2 of both and it is as good as hanging in the air with a breakable thread. Risky, tsk tsk tsk. So Risky. I didn't know I was a risk incline individual. I thought I was risk adverse. LOL. Econs....

Sigh...my week hasn't really been a good one. There were certainly some things that pissed me off but I've decided not to bring it up again since I have already said it countless time and I'm getting tired of repeating myself. So I choose to ignore. Spare my mind the agony. Books are already giving me a headache. Don't add on.

Bowling hasn't been good for me either. Listen, I don't know what happened to me or what is wrong with me. But I'm just not good enough and the thing that is making it worst, I'm detoriating. Not only my scores ain't good, my game isn't there as well. The feel is gone. Don't ask me why. If I knew what was the reason, I wouldn't be in this pinch now. I feel so lost for my bowling, for once. Especially when Singapore Open is around the corner. I really need to get back in shape.

*haiz* Work has never been easy. But since I choose it. I shall not complain. Anyways, promotion sounds good but it also means more work and responsibilities. I'm not too sure if I can take it but I'll still give it a shot to see how far can I go. But I've got a strong feeling that I won't be staying there for long.

In overall, my current condition is bad. I'm getting fatter each day as I munch unnecessay snacks during studying. My procrastination is hindering my productivity for studying. Bowling is giving me extra worries and pressure. Work is adding on to my headaches. Body is aching all over due to lack of exercise. Exams are approaching and my brain is starting to mulfuction even more.

Tell me, how can I jump accross this wall. Will I be able to get through my second year? Seriously I'm tired. Really. I'm so looking forward for my holiday trip with the girls. I'm starting to save money for that. After exams, WATCH ME! I'll make full use of my time to relax all I can.

Okay, my post looks a little longer than usual. Should get back to study, tomorrow. =)

Memories From The Past

2009-05-02T00:25:00.003+08:00

Although I know I can never run away from you unless I stop bowling, seeing you again is really ain't a good thing. I do not wish to recall memories from the past and I don't need anything or anyone to trigger that part of me, that has been asleep for quite sometime.

All right, I'll stop talking about it and so that I can conveniently forget about it. It seems like you and me will not be training at the same venue anymore. That is a blessing for me because at the moment I really do not want to see you at all until I know that my eyes will never wonder off to you anymore.

Besides, I really need to focus on my exams now as I am starting to feel stress because I am really not prepared at all. So not prepared. I cannot afford to fail. I need to put in more effort and I really need to do well for my exams. Do not wish to disappoint my parent.

Laptop, animes, mangas, blogs has been a distraction for me. Work load is getting heavier each time and things really ain't going smooth. Sometimes I feel that I may just collapse at any time. Right now, everything is already so difficult for me. So, YOU! stop making things worst. But oh well, it's not your fault since you know nothing about it. lol.

Okay, need to work in the morning tomorrow and this is damn freaking tiring. I want time to freeze man. JUST FREEZE THE TIME! How I wish I was blessed with some supernatural power where I can teleport through space and freeze time. Jeez. I'm insane.

At The Receiving End

2009-04-24T00:43:00.002+08:00

Was having a little chat with my dad today, regarding my life up till now, the choices I made, my future plans and my present moment. I realised many things that I have long forgotten about. Since I have been too busy with my work, training and studies. It seems that I didn't even have time to slow down my footsteps and take a look around my surroundings. How beautiful life can be.

While in the car driving out for dinner, me on my ipod, I started to think back to those days when I can start to remember things until now. I laughed. Good and bad memories. There were many tough times and I had my own problems as well, I'm surprised how much I endured it and that really makes who I am today. I'm grateful.

My friend today mentioned that she once cried really badly was because she had a quarrell with her bf. I can understand that. She resembles very much like one of my bowling/poly friends. In fact, I would say they are pretty similiar in terms of their relationship. So, I told her my friend's story. She might picked up something from there.

At the end of the day, every obstacle met is a lesson learnt. It is a life's journey that we have embarked on the very moment we were brought to life. How we colour it is up to us. Life, is already so fragile. Treasure it. We live and we learn. I learn from my family, my peers, my seniors and my own mistakes.

Well, it good to take a break once in a while and relax when it is really needed. Today's studying session is really fun. ML seldoms open up to the people around her. Especially me. Some how, some where, I know that I'm not that reliable when comes to relationship. I had my problems with that as well. But I was glad that she started talking more and at least, today her laughter and smiles were from the bottom of her heart.

Guess it's time for me to wrap up and end my post. To my friends out there, have a good week ahead, rest well and take care. Start thinking about your future and your life if you have spare time. >.< To SM, ML and TS: we'd better study hard and pass our exams. Anyway, we will get through this together.

Messed Up Spirit

2009-04-20T23:23:00.002+08:00

It is already mid-april, i'm starting to panic for my exams...for once in my studying life, i'm worried for my exams. So can you guess how screwed am i now.

Despite saying that, my mind doesn't seem to have the concentration that i need for my studies...why is that so? I wish someone could answer me. I really wanted to revise but every time i see my books, i feel like sleeping. Is it the environment? the weather? or is it me?

I'm always feeling sleepy, tired and restless. Exhausted. what should i do now? take a break? change an environment? or a change in my studying methods? Jeez, i really need to revise. I wanna pass my second year.

Let's do my best. She-na, dont give up! oshi oshi oshi!

Mind Over Mind

2009-04-20T00:38:00.002+08:00

Exams dates are drawing close, my revision is not anywhere near complete and my procrastination is still dominating me all these time. I'm so not in shape for studies. Jeez, Is there any remedy for that? Give me some smart pills so I can vomit my answers in exams like our Singapore icon, Merlion.

Corporate Finance: Too much theory to remember and the calculations are tedious. Not one mistake can be made. Guess what, i've only complete 1 chapter out of 9 chapters. AND! i'm dropping 2 chapters so that makes it 7 chapters in total. zomg, I really need to buck up.

Microeconomics: A lot of graphs and formulas. A total of 11 chapters with 2 chapters essay writting. I'm gonna drop one chapter that I really hated the most and that makes 10 chapters. hmmm, I guess i've only completed 5 chapters. You know what, econs is my first paper and I'm so not ready for it....zzzzzzzzz

Principles of Banking and Finance: ah ah ah, this is one whole chunk of theories that talks about history of the banking system that goes all the way back to A.D period. Answers need not be complicated but the structure of answering is important. It determines whether you can pass or not. The best thing is I've only completed 1 chapter out of 10 chapters maybe?! and this is also my first paper. 2 papers in a day, die.

Financial Reporting: This is has never been a problem for me. Practice is all I need. =)

Haiz, so how now brow cow? I hope that I can get through this year smoothly. This is no longer a mind over body, it mind over mind. Determination. Ganbatte!

Values Of A Friend

2009-04-09T02:34:00.005+08:00

The love of a friend is like no other

This kind of love is not the kind that smoothers

It teaches us that we need to give more than get

And that friendship is not something to forget

The love of a friendship will grow with time

And will continue throughout your prime

The love of a friend is unselfish and kind

It is truely a treasure to find

It takes constant attention and care

But if you've found the love of friendship surely you'll share

Lots of people need the love of friendship in their lives

So find a person in whim love will thrive.

The Other Side Of Light

2009-04-08T01:53:00.004+08:00

Bowling kinda sucks recently. Game is there but my scores ain't showing the results when sometimes, results is what matters most. I'm trying to get hold of myself and figure things out slowly for the time being as my mind is preoccupied with my studies and exams. I'm so filled with so many things I feel like i'm already at the brim, about to explode anytime soon.

Speaking about bowling and scores, I feel insecure. Towards many many things. But on second thought, these things are unimportant. It's not necessary neither it is something I should concern myself with. It perhaps something to do with my perception and feelings.

Personally, I have never like the idea of sucking up to anyone. But when I see my friends doing that, it makes me feel sick and tired. But, it has nothing to do with me, right? So why am I bothered about it? I would love to know why too.

They are all my circle of friends, but when this happens, I really feel like distanting myself from them until all these cools down, then i'll return. But, where's the meaning to that? They are my friends afterall, so what if they are sucking up to each other? It has nothing to do with you, they are still your friends, someone you know for as long as it takes. Is it worth ruining it over this one person? who is just, the centre of attraction at the moment?

I don't know, don't wanna know. I can overlook it like I normally do. I can choose not be affected by it. I can always not get myself involved. Geez, now I can barely understand what my heart feels. Perhaps, I should just ignore it. Is that a good idea? Hell yea =)

I'm so tired talking about them. It makes feel so tired when discussing about these people. So tired with them.

Refusal

2009-04-04T00:19:00.003+08:00

look, my family is getting paraniod over some irrelevant issues here. This makes me even more withdrawn then usual.

My mother was just having a conversation with me not long ago in regards to BGR. Well, it seems like she have some issues with some of the male friends that i'm hanging out with and that really puts me off. Especially when comes to those 2 guys she hated the most. (I havent been in contact with either of them, so no problems)

Well, i havent been into a relationship neither have been to dates. But seriously, i dont see any importance in being in a BGR. Why can't she stop thinking so much over it. It comes when it comes, why bother? I'm still young and what's the problem of not having a boyfriend?

She told me that this guy is not bad, this one okay, this one we will not disapprove and etc... oh my gosh, do i look like some old hag or what? and worst is she is speaking about marriage.... =_='''

Look here, i'm fine with my life now. I worked, I study and I still train. My schedule is tight and my life is busy. I hardly even have time for my friends, animes and mangas. Let alone for boyfriend. I don't really need one.

On second thought, I would rather not have a boyfriend and live my carefree and easy-going life. No need to worry or get myself involved with my emotions that sometimes may turn out to be hard to control. I do not wish to lie in bed and fret over every little things that affects me.

I strongly believe that I'm able to support my parents and myself fairly well in the future, and that I don't need to have some guy to help me support my parents. I'm fine being by myself.

It's not that I had some terrible experiences with guys, all my male friends out there, you are still my friend, no worries =) is not like i hate you guys or something. Perhaps I'm too independent on my own, and have different perception in regards to BGR.

I really don't mind being single. When will my parents understand that? oh yea, by the way, not having a boyfriend doesn't mean that I SWING THAT WAY... i'm a perfectly straight girl here ok!

Damn, signing off.
Mata Ne!